Schadenfreude needs to be sincere to be funny. It's what made "Chocolate Rain" hysterical and everything Tay Zonday did afterward crap. Because self-awareness is the plague of the internet. And plagues never made anyone smile."Everyone's self-aware these days though," you say. Well, no. There is still at least one group that doesn't understand what Reddit is. That group is the Jehovah's Witnesses, and the internet's meme-hunters have just caught wind of a Church-affiliated video that discourages deaf Jehovah's Witnesses from turning to that most shallow of pleasures, masturbation.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Mark Holman: Yes, of course, what video is this? Is it on our website?I'm not sure if it's on your website. I can tell you about it briefly…
If it’s not official, I can’t discuss it with you. But I can discuss with you ideas and suchlike.Great. Well, the video is specifically aimed at deaf Jehovah’s Witnesses and it warns them about the dangers of masturbation.
Oh, I haven’t heard of that one, but I’ll keep a look out for it. You can ask me about the themes in the video.OK, firstly, as a Jehovah’s Witness, what are your views on masturbation?
Well, we always go on the Bible’s view, which is that it is something that we should try to steer away from. Masturbation is not something we would suggest doing. We just encourage positive things.So is masturbation an official "sin"?
It’s not officially a sin, but if you think of it as sinful then you shouldn’t do it. We don’t really refer to things as "sins"; if you have a good moral compass and love for the Lord then your actions will be pure. We do not encourage selfish activity.Is masturbation one of the more selfish things you can do?
I don’t see how it can be a non-selfish activity, by its very nature.Are there any specific parts of the Bible I should study to help combat onanism?
Galatians 5.22 and 5.23 are good bits.
Advertisement
That is my job and my faith.Um, is it true that masturbation can send you blind?
As a member of the Church, I don’t know. Certainly, there have been instances. Apparently. You would have to check with someone in the medical profession.Is there medical evidence?
It would be worthwhile checking that out for yourself.The video is specifically aimed at stopping deaf people masturbating. Are the deaf particularly at risk from the dangers of masturbation?
I’m guessing it must be hard to have such a disability, so the Church in America may have identified them as an "at risk" group. I don’t know if I am qualified to comment on that.What advice would you give to any Jehovah’s Witnesses who felt the need to masturbate?
Well, I wouldn’t give advice. It’s expected that people can exercise control themselves. To some I might say read a book to take your mind off it, for others this might not work. Hobbies are always good. It just depends on the person.Cool. Have you heard of the pop singer, Prince?
Yes, I have. He is a Jehovah’s Witness.He's quite vocal about how much he likes to masturbate. In fact, he apparently had two ribs removed so he could self-fellate. What do you think of that?
That’s disgusting. I don’t know if that’s true.Is he a bad Jehovah?
It is down to personal choice. He has a different lifestyle to most people. He’s a little odd.Do you like his music?
Yes, I do.
Advertisement
We have our own, specially composed music to suit whatever occasion we need.Is it good?
Yes, it’s very good. You should come along and listen to it.I might do that. Thank you so much.
It was nice speaking with you.Although I'm not 100 percent sold on the religion's views on the issue, it doesn't really affect me because I have never actually masturbated. So maybe there's still hope for me to find my route to God.If Prince can dig it, so can I.Follow Clive (@thugclive) and Sheree (@shereemilli) on Twitter.Previous tussles with religion:An Interview with a Jehovah's Witness PornstarI Spent a Week Trying to Believe in GodThe Creation Museum Is HilariousHey Atheists, Just Shut Up Please