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UPDATE: A Man in Germany, Not Grimsby, Has Killed the Biggest Rat You've Ever Seen

Humans have killed the Sun King of rats; the Louis XIV of rats is dead.

by Joel Golby
09 July 2015, 11:45am

The rat below is even bigger than a cat

UPDATE: Turns out the guy who posted this on Facebook claiming to have caught the rat in Grimsby is lying cos, as reported by our friends over at VICE Germany, it was actually caught in Duisburg last week. Still, though: gigantic fucking rat.

Below is a picture of a gigantic fucking rat. It's probably not something you're going to want to see if you're not a fan of gigantic fucking rats. Rats the size of dogs but with double the energy and none of the charm. Rats skittering towards you in a herd. Rats everywhere, on every surface. Their squeaks no longer high pitched, their enormous, monstrous mass emitting something meatier, bassier. You're trapped in a sewer tunnel with nowhere to turn and gigantic rats surround your head and face and body. You are in a writhing mass of enormo-rats. Their teeth grow closer, their squeaks more ominous. And then: silence. So yeah, if you don't like rats don't look at this and, ideally, don't read the previous 97 or so words:

As we originally expected, the guy was lying about catching the rat. The Mirror, where the story originally appeared in the UK press, got the picture from Facebook, a picture posted with the curiously emotionless caption, "Afternoon everybody, found this on Grimsby Docks." Like: had I just found a rat the size of a dog scurrying around in some shallow dock water and killed it with a stick, I would be much more freaked out than, "Afternoon everyone". Caption vibe-wise I would probably go for something more like, "ESCAPE THE COUNTRY, DEATH IS HERE AND IT HAS TEETH, FIRE ME INTO SPACE AND LET ME CHOKE IN A VACUUM."

That said, I wanted the Rat King to be from Grimsby, not Duisburg, because the Rat King gives me hope. In times of austerity, the Rat King would have done well to grow and develop to the size of a more menacing animal. Because nobody ever thinks of the rat, in these viral photos of enormous and harrowing rats. Nobody ever goes: fair fucks to that rat, it grew as big as hell. Nobody goes: that rat got hench in a sewer, and yet I cannot even get decent arms going to the Fitness First near the Shard three times a week. Nobody pins a picture of an enormous rat to their fridge as gymspiration.

Wherever it was, that rat grew big and monstrous and then some bloke in a high viz jacket killed it with a stick. Does that seem fair? The rats are robbed of their king, and we parade its body through the modern equivalent of the streets (Facebook), clanging the modern equivalent of a bell (the "Like" button) while hooting and hollering (Facebook comments just saying "EWWWWW GROSSSSS"). Do we truly deserve to be top of the food chain when we parade our kills thus? Rise up, monster rats, and put us in our place. Swell above the waterline and bite us to death with your huge sharp teeth. Human beings are beyond merit, and evolution-wise we are very much stagnating. Our species killed your leader and you need revenge. Drag us into the water and let us all drown.

@joelgolby

More stuff from VICE about rats:

I Trained Rats to Trade, and Win, on Wall Street

The Yucatán Custom of Filling Piñatas With Live Endangered Animals

A Conversation with One of the Estate Agents Pricing People Out of East London