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Bare Grills: London Is Getting Its First Naked Restaurant This Summer

It's supposed to feel like a spa, but I've never been to a spa and had to worry about getting pasta sauce all over my cock and balls.

Joe Bish

Joe Bish

Can't really remember when eating dinner became synonymous with 'having a mind-bending holistic experience', but it was probably around the time people started consuming previously unheard of grains and beans and feeling smug about it. We here at VICE have a penchant for bad-mouthing themed restaurants, and the reasons for that are simple: they're fucking lame, they fucking suck, the people who go to them are shit.

And here we find ourselves again in the grip of a pop-up trying to make us think. The Bunyadi is a naked restaurant that will open somewhere near London Bridge in June, I'm told. You can sit in there on a wooden stool in the buff and have your tea, though you'll be given a gown to cover your disgusting shame if you so wish.

The concept comes from a company called Lollipop, who previously masterminded experiences such as 'eating canapés with an owl' and 'the Breaking Bad cocktail bar', tickets to which would have set you back £30 for two hours (with two free cocktails!).

Burundi's 'liberating' tables

When asked about the hygiene implications of having everyone's arsehole plonked on a tree stump, a representative from Lollipop told me that people would put their gowns "under their bum". Of course, not everyone is incapable of wiping themselves adeptly, but I feel enough people are for me to not want to risk it.

You don't have to worry about Peter Pervert staring at your wife's tits, either, because a suave arrangement of bamboo will curtail any aims of Tom-peepery. It will be an au naturel kitchen too, devoid of metal and plastic, and have the feeling of a spa. I don't know about you guys, but I've never been to a spa and had to worry about getting pasta sauce all over my cock and balls. Maybe I need to go to different spas?

Whatever the weather, we can all rest assured that one of our primary human functions, the consumption of sustenance, will be conceptualised and monetised to the point where you won't be able to get a chicken burger on the high street without having to dress up in a full suit of armour and re-enact the beheading of Anne Boleyn.

@joe_bish

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