Certainly, the compulsive buying and returning (or as I like to call it, shopping bulimia) makes me feel as though I have a purpose. It is an ephemeral purpose, a stupid purpose, as the perfect fucking shower caddy isn't going to make me a whole person. When I die, I can't take the caddy with me. But I think that is the point, actually: a game of reverse psychology I play with myself, wherein I'm so ensconced in the minutiae of shitty home decor that I can forget about death. After all, what kind of person would spend hours at IKEA when they only have a finite amount of time left to live on Earth? If I'm wasting my time at IKEA, then I can't be about to die, can I?When I'm in nature, I never forget that I'm going to die. This morning, while walking my dog along the incline of the mountain, I remembered something one of my therapists told me about surrendering to anxiety. She was like, "A tree branch that is stiff will snap in the wind, but a reed will bend. You want to be the reed."When I'm in nature, I never forget that I'm going to die.
The answer, obviously, does not lie at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I know this. And yet, because I sense that there is no "answer" to the paradox of human sentience, I go to Bed, Bath and Beyond, because I do not know where else to go. I am a human who is ultimately afraid to want what I already have, in fear of being reminded of my own impermanence. So I look for new shit and hold onto it until it becomes old shit, and then I look for more.Follow So Sad Today on Twitter.Man is a worm and food for worms. This is the paradox: he is out of nature and hopelessly in it; he is dual, up in the stars and yet housed in a heart-pumping, breath-gasping body… a material fleshy casing that is alien to him in many ways—the strangest and most repugnant way being that it aches and bleeds and will decay and die. Man is literally split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order to blindly and dumbly rot and disappear forever. It is a terrifying dilemma to be in and to have to live with.