The first week of January brings a second Christmas for moneyed fans of the world's biggest pop stars, washed EDM DJs, and singer-songwriters with high-powered publicists. That's right, Coachella announced their 2019 lineup and we're back yet again to give our very serious reviews of every artist on the bill. Sorry if we were too mean.
Ibiza’s actually in the Mediterranean, but close enough.
Seems like a bad fear to have at a music festival tbh.
Feel like I read her in a Critical Theory class.
Two sentient v-necks.
Anderson.Paak & The Free Nationals
There’s a really loud beeping in the office that’s been going for like 90 minutes so it’s pretty hard to think straight. Can I just pass on this one?
More like Anna YouKnow I’m going to be skipping your set, right?
I hear he’s been getting really into “deconstructed club” lately. Great.
She’s had a rough year, glad to see her thriving.
A R I Z O N A
Still the best drink you can buy at a bodega for one dollar.
Why not Good Bunny?
Shame they couldn’t snag the butcher and the candlestick maker this year.
The can’t-miss set for every white dude with dreads.
Cool they booked the walking Spotify algorithm.
Shells. They’re called shells.
Hypebeast Hannah Montana.
I’m told this is a K-pop thing. Don’t wanna fuck with that.
An a cappella tribute to Frank Ocean.
Mid-level San Pellegrino flavor.
A duo named in tribute to the racist New York city planner who once said "I raise my stein to the builder who can remove ghettos without moving people as I hail the chef who can make omelets without breaking eggs." Weird.
Googled to see what’s going on here and every picture has “Hobo Johnson with a bowl cut” energy so hard pass.
“Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.”
She seems like a nice old lady.
These guys put out something on Vice Records so we probably shouldn’t say anything bad about them. But, eh, fuck em.
Charlotte de Witte
More like Charlotte de Shitte
More like Charlotte de Shitte.
More like Charlotte de Shitte.
More like CHONlotte de Shitte.
This Dawson’s Creek sequel sucks.
Christine and the Queens
Really struggling to say something mean about Chris! She’ll shine on the big stage!! She deserves it!!!
These dumbasses don’t even know how to spell.
The “D” is short for “don’t.”
Follow the money. Thank me later.
Are all of these people members of the same dream-pop trio?
All that sugar is bad for you man, switch to tea.
The “P” is short for “piss.”
Is it delivery or DiGiorno?
This man lives on a golf course.
Oh cool, EDM’s back.
Oh cool, EDM’s back.
Ok, EDM’s over again.
Sigh, another tech house thing probably. Pass.
Applied Math is hard.
This is the sound of privilege.
Top 5 haircuts of Coachella 2019.
Commercial fishing is terrible for the environment, pass it on.
Fuck, Kill, Join in Holy Matrimony.
But what about Five Tet?
Come on it’s got “awful” right in the middle of the name.
Yeah yeah we’re all into Dungeons and Dragons now, cool guys.
Oh shit, Harry Potter Live!
Lol still dunno what’s going on here. Lil Pump x Gucci Mane tape when?
A jack swing R&B collective about baby food. We’re in.
The Hills: New Beginnings coming soon.
Life is too short to waste time coming up with an acronym for this.
We will be staying put, thank you.
Hot Since 82
Ironically this is like the 82nd Coachella he’s played. What the hell.
Hurray for the Riff Raff
Actually it turns out Riff Raff maybe isn’t such a good guy, let’s not cheer him on.
Guitars are back baby!
Sick I hope Ray Romano is gonna be there.
We love reggaeton, we love J Balvin, this is chill.
What if we really see with our ears and hear with our eyes?
Rain not gonna like this.
Not a jam band, surprisingly.
Dude looks exactly what you’d expect someone named Jan Blomqvist to look like. This is simply an observation.
Can’t spell Janel le Monae without Lemon.
Look at this guy’s fucking logo.
Seems like a nice person. Javiera we wish you the best. Shoutout to Chile.
Literally just...so boring. Please listen to other electronic music jesus christ.
Wait till he levels up to TIFF files.
The horse girls will become too powerful.
The most exciting producer in Canada...is a real big fish/small pond situation.
Kero Kero Bonito
This band met on a message board,,, nerds lol.
The kids love him, but kids are idiots. It’s why we don’t let them buy cigarettes or guns or pornography.
The only reason everyone in this band doesn’t have the same haircut is cause the drummer is bald.
*65 minutes of emotional wailing*
IRL Goop on Ya Grinch.
Underrated beer tbh.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z went there once I think.
Oh I loved her in The Nanny.
For all the tech-bro burnouts who’d rather be on the playa.
Let's Eat Grandma
Uhhhhhh….. who’d she vote for in ‘16?
Is it too late to make a joke about The Sims expansion pack?
Too posi to make fun of.
Los Tucanes De Tijuana
Their wiki page lists 70 radio hits. So close to being so “nice.”
Over/under on people at this set who bathed properly beforehand is like 4+/-.
She made Pharrell cry once, which I think means you automatically go to hell.
These guys look like they have rich parents. Makes sense.
Men I Trust
Mon LaFARTe. Shoutout to Chile.
Only good when he’s wearing hats.
Can’t wait till he rebrands to Pacifist Tunesmith. This dumbass can’t spell correctly either.
Neither can this dumbass.
The natural enemy of LEN.
Nora En Pure
The set you’ll want to time your ketamine vomiting too.
Honestly you can’t knock psychedelic cumbia. The only band on the lineup from the actual city of Coachella. Saw them play a dive lounge there once and it was dope as hell.
Some of these artists need to skip Coachella and go back to spelling school.
There’s no way DHL will get them from Berlin in time.
More k-hole tracks, cool.
Y’all didn’t even try with this name.
*stuffs an entire PB&J sandwich in mouth and begins to sing along to A$AP Rocky tracks*
Polo & Pan
These guys are every dude at parties who won’t stop singing the merits of a swinger lifestyle even though they’ve only had sex like twice in their lives.
We don’t want to get Adidoned so pass.
Beans on Toast Father John Misty.
If symptoms persist, you can use an over-the-counter anti-itch cream.
If symptoms worsen, please for the love of god, just buy a new razor.
The way she yells “WOAH KENNYYYYYY” can destroy entire villages. Would rather not fuck with that kind of power.
Call us when that OPN collab hits.
Ross From Friends
Trash character from a trash show. Should’ve been Tommy From Martin.
RÜFÜS DU SOL
Good use of smiley faces
Didn’t she get Milkshake Ducked or something?
They look like Hobo Johnson’s Yin and Yang.
So a lizard?
Thought this was the Narnia guy for a minute.
Not as good as Caillou.
HeY gUyS I’m ReAlLy ExCiTeD tO PlAy At CoAcHeLla
SOB X RBE
We at Noisey also like acronyms.
Orange slices and capri suns for everyone.
Smells like content.
Any relation to SOPHIE?
If you spell Solange backwards its Egnalos which is a DMV in Brazil. Open 24 hours.
Please refer to above soffi
(I like your spelling waaaay better)
People Also Search For: Majestic Casual. LOL
But not too woozy to take a nap instead of making music, unfortunately.
Really hate this name.
Tale Of Us
Awful-romance-movie-starring-Rachel-McAdams-and-Ryan-Reynolds ass name.
More like Lame Impala. More like all their music sounds the Same Impala. More like Coachella should be aShamed Impala for booking them. More like Dumbass Impala.
Don’t know anything about them and their name is too regular to pun, so.
To quote our good friend Robert Christgau, “I think they suck.”
They’re called this because it’s scary how bad they are at music.
These boys are as pretty as their music is shitty.
Yeah, interrupting our good time with their shitty music.
Skip this set and wait til Thanksgiving when your dad and uncles get drunk and start having a jam session in the garage once the football games are over.
The Red Pears
They’re called apples.
She’s good as hell we hope she has a great set.
Tomasa del Real
Shoutout to Chile. Whole lot of Chileans on the lineup this year.
What the inventor of music will do in their grave once they find out about this shit.
Fun fact, these guys were voted onto our 2018 year end list but two Noisey editors hate them so much we took them off.
Ty Segall & White Fence
Sy Tegall & Fite Whence
Unknown Mortal Orchestra
Wish they were somehow less known.
Couldn’t get City Girls? #FreeJT
Lol, “ naw ”
Walker & Royce
Chuck Norris da 5'9"
...in bad music.
Cover “Africa.” Also Rivers return Dan’s calls.
Y’all think he’s gonna smoke weed onstage? Got a feeling he’s gonna smoke some weed onstage.
Not even worth our effort.
Not sure what he'll do to us if we make a joke, so no.
You Only Toot Turds Once
Happy fun dance music for good times with your friends. Go see it, Chad, you’ll love it.
ZeddRemember when he said he didn’t “get” why people like “Mo Bamba”? Yeah, fuck this guy.
This article originally appeared on Noisey US.