Francisco Garcia's Westminster Whispers

Westminster is a mmmmmurky place. Crammed with secrets, witness to centuries of shady deals and unsavoury compromise. Ideals are crushed. Lofty purpose is consumed by cruel necessity. Our fine journalists have been corrupted into a simpering hackocracy. Truth and honour are all too rare. Yet occasionally there emerges from the squalor someone ready to pour the thick bleach of truth down the damp crevices and blocked pipes where the powerful squat. And the results can be as explosive as you might predict.

Liam Fox Refuses to Rule Out Chlorinated Chicken Imports

Listen to me. You know me. You know what I do. The public discourse I've influenced. The junior ministers I've skewered with the sesh lance. I've rubbed haggis, neeps and tatties with Salmond and quaffed endless cocktail wieners with the Mogster… often in the same evening… but where are my manners…

If the blue bollo*ked fields of Eton taught me one thing… you never… EVER… turn down a spot of numnums with an elected representative of the PEOPLE. I don't care if Dumbled*re himself comes round with a bag of Doritos and a big "cooooeee boys" on his lips… if you get the call… you go.

So when I heard a certain Mr L Fox asked me to attend a little soiree, I'll confess my first impulse was a little bit "who, moi?" I mean this guy is like Mr Brexsh*t aha… and I'm just a likkle ol' hack!!

Long story short… to all the naysayers and ill informed p*pinjays shrieking about Chlorinated Chicken being somehow… sorry, this is too rum… bad… well let me just say one thing.

I might well have *allegedly* been found vomiting a kidney into the recycling bins round the back of John The Unicorn several hours later, but the paramedics attending made it quite clear it had nothing to do with the tinned poultry I'd consumed… quite the contrary…

It was just an overdose of Absolutely Legendary Behaviour :) aha

BBC Apologises After Tory Donor Calls Corbyn a Twat

Oh Aunty… pass me the smelling salts… because the absolute SH*T you're funnelling into your listener's ears is enough to give ANYONE a potent dose of the John Humphreys. First, you want to pay your hackywacky's in Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Botts. Then you let absurd little crisp men like Gary Lineker get away with blue b*lled murder… because he can smile and say "it's over" at the end of le footy. Groovy… not.

And now the grapevines telling me maudness about some Tory bredda talking crud re Comrade Corbyn…. How exquisite. Let me get this straight… the randy old basta*d is jamming on his allotment, corduroys thick with marrow juice and God knows what else… smiling, chilling and huffing the- figurative- java… while you're inviting on some bandy legged loon to lick down his character with the most potent bullets of all… that is to say, unkind words?

Oh Aunty… I haven't said this since Davey (hoots! aha) Tennant started squatting in the Tardis… but that licence fee…. Is worth all the gold in Gringotts Bank. Shabba!

Labour Semi-Embraces Idea of Staying in Single Market

John McDonnell… oh bro… I dunno what Mrs McD sprinkles in your brunch but there's gotta be something extra spicy in those Bloody Mary's dude… 'cos you're moving on some Lupin flex ya na!

By day you're beating the Brexit skeng like Bojo in a Brussels Meadhall… but by night? Cuz, I can hear you remoaning from here (that is obviously, and figuratively, from the very heart of Westminster politics, which I live, breath and eat).

EU this, EU tha. Oh my… you tedious little tw*rp. Staying In The Single Market? How about Less Frequent Trips on The Magic Carpet? Because it seems like the turbulence has turned your brains to sh*t.

Diesel & Petrol Cars to be Banned by 2040

So Chris Grayling wants to light the fuse of the Green Revolution? Aha… chuff it deep and pass it on Chrissy boy… times may be lean, but come on bud, it's high time you took a long hard look in the mirror. Tekkers!

Yezzir, Graylingaling has always beat the Mac-10 of conviction and good policy sense like the sweet boi he is… So when I saw him using the entire British car industry as roach paper for some kind of sick Corbyni*ta fantasy about everyone chucking in their Jags for tiny little paper aeroplanes, or whatever CR*P I saw proposed… well mine eyes, they had to have been deceived.

Chrissypoopoo… let me address you like we did in simpler times… from one Honest dude to another… I know more than Five Guys with a penchant for Top Gear. And believe me when I say… they think nothing of letting the Onion Ring… and I ain't talking about starters…

Chyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyz

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