Games

TRANSFORMERS

Publisher/Developer: Atari

Platform: PS2

Genre: Stealth action robot

Apart from Megatron being this weird gun thing that didn't really work as a toy, the evil Decepticons were so much better than the mummy's boy Autobots. Bad guys like Starscream (misanthropic, assassin jet) and Soundwave (you could play a tape in his chest), introduced lots of under-educated, TV-weaned children to the concept that good triumphing over bad isn't necessarily the best thing to happen. And why do you think He-Man was such a boring pansy and why was Snake Mountain so much better than Castle Grayskull? Eh? Put down your Nietzsche and answer me bitch!

Because video game companies like to hype their games up like they're as significant to mankind as war, we only got to play this for two days before the PRs snatched it back off us so we didn't really get the chance to get past Level 3. While it looks amazingly lush and the guns sound great, it's a bit too hard to justify the repetition of the gameplay. Ie: Walk through the woods, dodge the lasers, shoot the robots, get the yellow thing, dodge the lasers, shoot the robots, get the blue thing…big whup. Where's the fun? There's no chance to really create havoc or crush humans or be evil and that's what I really wanted from this game. No doubt all of you Transformers t-shirt-wearing bitches will spend hours in front of your screen jerking off to the way that the "transform" noise is the same as the cartoon, but others might find this hard work.

PAC-MAN

Publisher: Namco

Developer: Hippy computer experts in the late 70s

Platform: Plug-in, battery-powered joystick

Try and get past Level Four on Pac Man or Galaxion in any one-hour session and I'll personally give you £50. Old video games are harder than giving up drugs when your dealer text messages you his email address and rings you up three times a day.