My name is Jamie Taete and I write for VICE. Just before 8PM on Saturday evening, an email entitled "Donald Trump is obsessed with Jamie Taete" landed in my inbox.
The sender was someone called "Peterbd" – a name I didn't recognise. As you can imagine, this was fairly disorientating for me.
So I'm gonna do what I always do when I find something confusing and creepy – post an unedited version of it here for your amusement.
DEAR VICE - DONALD TRUMP IS OBSESSED WITH JAMIE TAETE
'jamie taete aint about that life'
'fuck you jamie taete. motherfuck you and everybody you know'
' jamie taete has hair that isn't atrocious. fuck him'
'you see this unfinished building i'm pointing to? this building is gonna be turned into a 5 star hotel. i'm a successful business man. i get money. what has jamie taete done for society besides being chill and funny. oh my god. fuck that guy'
'IF JAMIE TAETE AUDITIONS FOR THE APPRENTICE I'M GOING TO HIRE HIM JUST SO I CAN SCREAM 'YOUR FIRED' AT HIM. I'M GOING TO SCREAM THIS AT HIM AND I'M GOING TO GET SATISFACTION FROM SCREAMING THIS AT HIM. HE AINT BUILT TO BE MY APPRENTICE. HE AINT BUILT TO BE MY RIGHT HAND MAN. HE DON'T KNOW THE WORK I PUT INTO THIS. I'M CASHIN OUT. I'M COUNTIN STACKS. GET ON MY LEVEL JAMIE TAETE OR GTFOH!'
'peep my smile jamie taete. peep my double chin. peep my confusing hair choices. peep my discolored skin. peep my boring fashin sense. wanna date me? i have hotels in atlantic city. we could go on a date there. fuck you if you say no'
- - - - -
I'm not entirely sure why you have sent me this. I assume it's some kind of wacky internet art. But, generally, I never get emailed anything but press releases about Las Vegas-based DJs. So in that sense, I guess I better thank you.
Unfortunately, I just googled you to try to work out what your deal is and you appear to be some kind of super-mysterious, internet alt-lit-type person. That in mind, I regret to inform you that I definitely cannot spare any more than a minute trying to "work you out". I have very little patience for "alt-lit", and when it exists on the internet, where anyone can write about whatever they want for however many words they want, it's pretty much my worst nightmare.
- Jamie Taete
PS, if you know of a way I can stop getting five press releases a day about DJs from Las Vegas, please lemme know.
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT
Previously: Dear VICE: I Think You Got Me Fired