Five Hot New Ways Young People's Lives Got Worse This Week

A new weekly column about how young people are totally fucked lol.

The BNOCs of the Kent University Conservative Association are petitioning to erect a 250 foot statue of Margaret Thatcher outside their campus nightclub, the Venue. "The placement across from the nightclub would encourage good and sensible behaviour under the gaze of the 250-foot Colossus," the petition reads. The Iron Lady's handbag would be placed strategically to reflect the sun, making it a "literal 'shining testament to liberty', while the ingenious polished bronze handbag would also allow the statue to dazzle the eyes of those lefties who would [sic] the Colossus."

The petition might just be a taste of the top-notch banter that you can be part of by heading to your local Conservative Future meeting, rather than a real attempt to build the thing. But you don't need Thatcher's handbag stinging your eyes with after strawpedo-ing WKD at the Venue to know that tributes to Thatcher are being erected all around us.

They come in the form semi-detached three bedroom houses that we can't afford. Please, can we all for one second stop moaning about being part of a generation that will probably never ever own a home, and take a moment to congratulate Britain's biggest house-builder Barratt Homes? They had some great news this week, seeing their pre-tax profits increase by 40 percent to £295million in the six months to the end of December. This was attributed to a) the housing crisis and b) the government's help-to-buy scheme, which is intended to help first-time buyers. I'm not here to ruin anyone's party, so I won't mention that most young people will be too busy paying their rent to ever take advantage of the scheme, which by the way is inflating the market, making buying a house even more expensive. Nice one Barratt, enjoy your mountains of cash.

One generation on and owning a home will presumably be the preserve of an exclusive elite, akin to owning a luxury yacht or Grand National winner. If you want your kids to join this illuminati-like tribe, you're going to have to send them off to private school. That's because a study by the Sutton Trust educational charity released this week revealed that the privately educated continue to dominate the UK's top professions such as judges (74 percent), doctors (61 percent), cabinet minsters (50 percent), journalists (51 percent) and military top brass (71 percent). What a shocker. (Case in point and full disclosure: of course I went to private school. Sorry everyone.)

If the thought of having to pay exorbitant fees provide a roof for someone other than yourself isn't enough to put you off having kids completely, you should probably get on Tinder, right? Good news! The career paths most likely to make someone swipe right were announced this week. Gracing the top three sexy jobs for men and women was "Founder/Entrepeneur". Given the dearth of jobs that pay enough and give you enough hours to live, the number of self-employed people is on the rise. Critics say that these people work long hours to get paid less than people with actual jobs, but at least they're up to their ears in Tinder matches. So why not be your own boss and found a scrap metal start-up today?

Anyway, don't worry guys, because our saviour has arrived. Just when you thought all hope was lost, former Deputy Prime Minster Nick Clegg decided to give his first interview since his party was totally humiliated, or in his words "massacred", at the election. Thank God Nick Clegg has broken his silence and can once more speak out for the disadvantaged. Thank God.

Explaining to the Independent how the Conservatives are "rigging the rules" to keep power, he says, "If you look at the way the Conservatives seek to hobble and neuter Westminster, the bullying swagger with which they treat the BBC, the general air of hubris, there is a feeling that politics is being reduced to the whims and mood swings of one political party. That is not healthy." But, he warns, "The Conservatives need to watch out. One day, the boot will be on the other foot. They might think they will be in power forever, but they won't be. Things change."

As that old Westminster adage goes: Whatever Nick Clegg says, literally the exact opposite of that will happen . The die has been cast. The Conservatives will be in power forever. Their elderly electorate will be kept grateful enough to vote and indefinitely alive by powerful new medicines provided by Virgin Care. By the time the thrusting young Tories of the Kent University Conservative Association grease their way up the political poll and become MPs in safe seats, giant Thatcher statues will grace every Barratt Home gated community, and private school the sun bouncing off her handbag blinding those clamouring at the gates, desperate to be let in.

@SimonChilds13

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