Come on you've read the other one and you don't need an actual intro, do you? Come on. Come on. Let's stop messing about and just get to it. There's a Labour leadership ballot coming up, and nobody knows who is allowed to vote, who is allowed to run, what exactly the point is and when it will happen, but here are the three main candidates, anyway:
JEREMY CORBYN
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"Can I have a beat, please? Thank you. I said a hip, hip, a hip don't hop and you don't stop the rock and the bang bang boogie and up jump the riddim and the riddim and the riddim repeat. Nice once."Right I'll leave you with a few words about marriage because I can see the coppers coming. One: all women are slags. Two: … no, I've lost it. If she's nagging your arse off, Dave, and if she's anything like her mother she will, get rid. Come join me on the banter barge! I live on a barge now. Best thing I ever did in my life was being served divorce papers and buying a barge. Sayonara, bitches! Corbyn OUT!"
OWEN SMITH
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"Owen," he says, a bead of sweat rolling down his face to his lips, which he licks dry. "If you could just make it out to… Owen." He peers over your desk, over the nub of the Sharpie where you're signing, to see you do it. "And if you could put a personal little message, that could—"You stop at, 'Dear Owen'. The PR girl said there might be… well, the industry calls them 'superfans'. "You know," she said, "you might get some…." There's no delicate way of putting this. "Some really…. intense… fans." Owen seems to be breathing faster, puffing, like he's just ran a mile. You write, 'Great to meet you!' and sign your name. He looks over. "And a kiss," he whispers."I'm sorry?""Just… sign it with a kiss."You hold your pen so still the thumping from your heart just about shakes it. There is a rustling of people around you. "And if there are," the PR girl says, echoing in your mind from earlier, "and… really intense superfans, just say the codeword 'capybara' and we'll come and rescue you." Owen stares at you one beat, another. Sweat gushing from him now. You notice the length of his briefcase strap is calculated just so, so it hangs down in front of him, in front of his crotch. "Just a little," he says, "kis—" and then you say it, stand and yell 'CAPYBARA', and watch as three hard men called Ian swarm on him in a pile-on, crushing Owen Smith so much they have to ring an ambulance, crushing his ribs so much they have to be regrown.
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ANGELA EAGLE
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You wake before the birds and lie still, your arms stiff by your side. There's nothing to do here. "Pack a book!" your mum trilled. You've read all your books. "Pack a game, then! Pack Mousetrap!" There's nobody to play Mousetrap with. Aunt Angela lives alone, miles from anywhere, no neighbouring children to play with, no dogs. You creep downstairs, still early, hoping not to wake her, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she has a TV, hidden under a blanket, tucked away in a cellar. You're stunned to find her sitting upright at the kitchen table, emotionless and beaming, facing you as you walk in. "And good morning," she says, "to you."You spend a day arranging Aunt Angela's wool samples in silence. She brings you delicate cups of thin flavourless tea and turns swiftly on her heel to go and potter in the garden. That is how she describes it: "pottering". She hums as she leaves the old cottage, an old beekeeping hat around her to protect her face from the sun, and you take your chance to bolt. You crawl around the house, slowly, slowly, so as not to creak anything, looking in cupboards, peering through doors. You make it as far as the last step on the attic ladder then pull short, the air cold in your lungs, the blood still in your heart. Did you hear something? No. No. Surely. You look through the hallway window and see her there, distantly, still at the bottom of the garden. You run downstairs and sort the wool.
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Weeks go by like this, but they feel like months. Some days Aunt Angela rustles up a thick, flavourless yellow cake from somewhere. Sometimes she lets you walk outside on your own. You get as far as the cliffs, one day, your little hands bending down to stroke the long grass, marks on your knees, a cheese sandwich growing squidgy in foil in your backpack. You lean forward and squint. You tuck to the floor and smell the soil. Out there, on the beach— it can't be. Out in the shale and the sea, Aunt Angela, alone in the gunmetal water, a thick white frock slick to her body with the salt of the sea. She seems to be singing a high, distant note. Her eyes are closed and her face is pink and she is swaying. You run home, all the way home, back to the cottage, the air like fire in your lungs, panting, panting, panting, through that thick reinforced door, and— she's sat there, rigid at the table, dry as a bone, smiling that smile, dear, why, you seem ever so out of breath. For dinner you both eat a thick, stringy stew in absolute silence.Midnight, dark, navy midnight. You rustle in your stiff white sheets. The house is silent. The wind is dead. You tiptoe down the stairs, socked feet stretched wide to mask the creaking, out through the kitchen, through the stone-floored pantry, slipping like a shadow out through the unlocked back door. You flitter from beanpole to beanpole, wade through lavender, crunch your way down the garden to the distant path where Aunt Angela toils all day. A less organised patch where the gravel meets the grass, strewn with fresh soil, strewn with limp gardening gloves and tools. You sink to your knees and pull at the ground with your fingers. Nothing, nothing, soft soft soil, and then: small, hard like a pellet, pull it to your eyes and clear them, something white in that waxy way, a bone, a small sharp bone, a finger, maybe, or a toe. And then you hear the crunch behind you, and there's Aunt Angela, slick and wet and singing, eyes open, eyes unblinking, and she looks down on you with that beam, locks you with that beam, and sings: "JEREMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"@joelgolbyMore stuff like this, i.e. the exact one and only thing that is like this on the website so far:Judging the Conservative Party Leadership Candidates Based On Their Wikipedia Pictures Alone