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Music

Ten Reasons Why the Dude From Scooter Wasn't Actually at Berghain

Was HP Baxxter, Scooter's lead singer, actually stumbling fresh faced out of Berlin's most notorious nightspot?

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Post by H.P. Baxxter.

Scooter frontman, HP Baxxter, aka The Chicks Terminator, aka Notorious Dave aka The Lyrical Teaser, recently posted a photo of himself outside of everyone's favourite Berlin fuckfest/techno club Berghain. Notorious for it's strict door policy, we're wondering how old Dave got past the burly blokes with facial tattoos at the entrance. We're also, more importantly, wondering if he ever actually went in in the first place. We, at THUMP, think the whole thing was a fake and he's just nipped down to the former power station after a good night's sleep for a bit of cultural cachet. Here's the first part of 1000 reasons as to why we think he's a massive fraudster and not the Marcel Dettmann loving leather daddy he wants us to believe he is.

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1. THE IMMACULATE SUIT

If a guy like HP goes into Berghain on Sunday morning, it's a miracle the walked out with anything on, let alone a snazzy suit like that. At the very least there should be a few rips, maybe a lost sleeve. His sharpness is a bit suspect.

2. THE CLEAN SHOES

NOBODY leaves the Berghain with clean shoes. I struggle to leave a pub with clean shoes for god's sake.

3. NO ONE LEAVES ON SUNDAY MORNING

C'mon mate, you don't want people to think you're a tourist, do you? It only gets good on at 4 on Sunday afternoon. Lightweight.

4. AT BERGHAIN THERE ARE NO MIRRORS

Look at him; fresh faced, as chiseled as ever, like he's stepped off the set of 'I'm Raving' rather than a comically dingy, dank, dark, distressing dungeon. Where's the blood, the sweat, the tears?

5. SUNDAYS HE'S AT THE FERNSEHGARTEN

Look at HP strutting his stuff here a few Sundays back. This is a man in his element. Who'd trade this for a nightclub?

6. IF HE HAD BEEN IN BERGHAIN, HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE PHOTO INSIDE BERGHAIN.

Sure there's rules about not taking photos inside because they don't want to kill the vibe inside a club that literally even my mum knows is meant to be cool, but come on, this is HP Baxxter from SCOOTER. He can do what he wants. Surely?

7. SVEN MARQUARDT

Big Sven ain't letting HP in.

8. THE SUNDAY MORNING FISH MARKET

Scooter really care about the price of fish. There's a fish market on Sunday. Ergo, HP would probably rather be there than catching the end of Ben Klock.

9. A SCOOTER IS NOT POSSIBLE WITHOUT THE OTHER SCOOTERS IN THE PIT

Scooter roll deep. HP ain't doing this solo. Where's his crew?

10. HE'S NOT WRITTEN A SONG ABOUT THE BERGHAIN.

If Scooter write a song about the Berghain, we'll take everything back. We promise.

The reasons 11-1000 you can read in Part 2, which will appear on THUMP in the not foreseeable future.