Gervinho's Revenge: Vice Sports UK Goals of the Week

As the working week draws to a close, many of you will be considering how to procure chemical stimulants for the partying, raving and general revelry ahead. These will probably cost you upward of £60, and will leave you with a gnawing sense of guilt that lasts for several days. Such stimulants pose a significant risk to your health, and will almost certainly leave you talking incessantly about yourself well into the early hours of Sunday morning.

Make the sensible choice, guys. Wipe the white residue off the front of your iPads, and use those iPads to watch these highly stimulating goals instead.

Poor old Gervinho. He got a hard time at Arsenal, really. Yes, he was one of the most frustrating players on the planet – an eternal stepover with an end product of absolute zero – but he was trying his bloody best. Having been shipped out to Roma in the summer of 2013, he briefly threatened to stop doing stepovers and actually chip in with the occasional goal. Unfortunately, he soon reverted to dribbling the ball into touch over and over again like some sort of maddening FIFA glitch, and was promptly sold to Hebei China Fortune.

Now, though, Gervinho is having his revenge. After years of criticism and general derision, he has decided to take his frustrations out on the Chinese Super League. On Wednesday afternoon, it was Beijing Guoan who felt the force of his wrath. Against all odds, he managed to pull off a showy piece of skill and a sweet finish to match.

Early in the second half, Gervinho picked up a pass on the right wing. He charged past one marker, before jinking past another and into the box. From there, he smashed a low shot between the keeper's legs and into the back of the net. It's amazing what he can do when he's not getting tangled up in his own legs.

While you may not have followed De Graafschap's campaign up until now, we think it's fair to say it's been underwhelming. Having finished second-bottom of the Eredivisie, they've had to face the relegation play-offs in an attempt to stave off a drop to the Dutch second tier. They went into the second leg of their first play-off against MVV Maastricht holding a one-goal lead, and needed a moment of quality to ensure they survived the encounter.

With MVV having pulled a goal back, things were finely poised going into the last few minutes of the match. Then, in extra time, 22-year-old midfielder Karim Tarfi decided the match in De Graafschap's favour. Latching onto a chipped cross from the right of the box, he thundered a rasping volley straight into the top corner.

That was Monday evening. Sadly, De Graafschap have since been thumped by Go Ahead Eagles in the first leg of their second play-off. Hard luck, lads.

Whenever an ageing footballer does something even remotely praiseworthy, people will queue up to claim that he's still got it. Nobody knows what "it" is precisely, but we can be absolutely assured that former pros who can pull off kick ups, backheels and the occasional goal still have "it" in abundance.

That being the case, let us be the first to declare that Jay-Jay Okocha has still got it. The 42-year-old attacking midfielder scored a hat-trick in a Bolton Legends match on Tuesday, but his opener stood out from the rest. Dribbling past several defenders and cutting in from the left, he suddenly unleashed a curving shot which flew past the despairing dive of the goalie.

Okocha later!