Someone You've Been DMing A Lot on Instagram Without Ever Really Making the Leap to Swapping Numbers with Messages you to Say 'Haha Where U Goin?' and You Tell Them, and it's Really Close to the Place They're Going, and Suddenly You Feel a Weird Electric


11 January 2019, 10:00am

(Photo via Jamie Clifton)

Ah, you’re at the pub in a nice group of people, but you’re not really at the pub exactly because you keep keenly checking your phone and responding to messages on your phone, and when you’re not getting messages to respond to – those agonising, infinitely long two-minute windows of non-communication – you’re sort of half looking at your phone anyway, phone screen-side up on the table, and you keep smiling and making eye contact with this person whose name you forgot, who keeps trying to tell you a boring story – “Sorry, no, I am listening,” you keep saying, “Go on” – but you’re not listening really because this person you are talking to is very explicitly flirting with you now, and you are flirting back, and you are both flirting in the exact same way, which is: telling each other how lame all the people you are currently with are being, and how lame the pub you are both in is also, and hoping that one of you makes the leap into inviting the other one to the lame pub they are at with all the lame people, so you can both ignore them all together and then, in quick succession, start very wetly making out


Anyway, you said goodbye to your mates – one of them was glowering because you’d only been there an hour and you said you were going to buy them a drink because they bought you one, but you’re out of here to get fucked so you patted them on the shoulder and said you’ll “get them next time”, but you both know you won’t, and if you zoom out and actually study it, an irreparable fracture has been put in your friendship by your hornily selfish behaviour tonight, but honestly do you care? Do you care? You do not care – and so one £16 Uber later, and after a semi-awkward “hello” (you realise you have been flirting with this person on-off for like four months and never… actually… heard their voice?), there’s a soft pulse of some sound system off in the distance and you’ve very quickly said perfunctory hellos to all their friends and you both went out to the smoking area and started laughing slightly too much at everything you both said, and anyway long story short: 45 minutes have passed and you’ve got someone else’s hand in your underpants and you’re absolutely fine with how tonight is going


quit while you're ahead! please!
self examine