The illustrious North American Meat Institute (NAMI) finally answered the prayers of involuntary omnivores everywhere—or the “meat-denied,” as their new website solemnly dubs those poor, oppressed souls whose jobs ban them from eating meat or expensing meat-based meals. (Womp, womp.) NAMI’s newest troll resource website, IChooseMeat, offers a slew of educational materials for carnivores, ranging from helping them get out of meatless work lunches to educating them on the most efficient ways to sneak their meat into the office. (And yes, I am trying very, very hard not to make any dick jokes here.)
Eric Mittenthal, VP of Public Affairs at NAMI, told The Shelby Report: “It is disappointing that any company would make a decision to remove a nutritious and delicious food choice, especially when the data is clear that the path to meaningful environmental impact reductions is not through the stomach.”
Mittenthal went on to argue that “for both environmental and employee morale purposes, companies are far better served by working to reduce their energy consumption and encouraging public transportation,” despite the fact that livestock accounts for between 14.5 percent and 18 percent of human-induced, worldwide greenhouse gas emissions, according to the New York Times.
Some choice cuts of the “Top Ten Ways to Sneak Meat Into the Office”:
- “Replace Pens With Snack Sticks”
- “Hot Dog Hair Sticks”
- “Hot Dog Hidden in a Banana Peel”
- “Jerky Breath Mints”
A few juicy pieces from the “Best Excuses to Get Out of Your Office’s Meatless Lunch:"
- “I’m meeting a friend for lunch” *eats hamburgers in the bathroom stall*
- “Wasting all the meat in my fridge would be an environmental nightmare”
- “Vegetarians give me headaches (as does the lack of Vitamin B12 in my lunch choices)”
- “Religious obligations force me to eat meat for lunch”
As a meat-lover, I kind of sympathize with the “meat-denied.” Kind of. Conversely, though, if you’re smuggling hot dogs into the office using banana peels or stuffing your back pockets full of pork chops just to get your daily meat-fix, you’ve probably got some more pressing, deep-seated issues to worry about than your workplace’s food policies—namely, cholesterol.
This article originally appeared on Munchies US.