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How America Sees The World

01 December 2010, 3:34pm

Has the Wikileaks data spunk really turned us all into investigative journalists, or clucking, Mail reading housewives? Either way, the consensus seems to be that everyone knows what's "really" happening now – the spies have come in from the cold and handed us their BlackBerries, and now our planet is one huge John le Carre story. In this honeymoon period before the outbreak of WW3, it's actually pretty fun, so before Wikileaks ends history, here's how the US sees the the world as some of humanity's most important characters.


Personality profile: Paranoid, delusional, vaguely gay. The British desire to be considered an important player in the diplomatic game makes the UK an ideal place to launch morally-questionable, legally-bankrupt operations against nations with more balls and conviction than it has.

What America sees: Sir John Falstaff. Past his best, stumbling around the party drunk singing the national anthem and shouting about having the "best Geography teachers in the world" before ending the night on the floor, crying.


Personality profile: Massively hypocritical, fond of sitting around criticising countries that, in public, it professes to love and support. Told the US to keep track of Guantanamo detainees with microchips, as if they were "falcons or horses" – America's response: "Horses don't have good lawyers." Like a fat kid on a sofa, covered in cake, telling his big brother to go and beat people up.

What America sees: Two-Face. The handsome, Harvey Dent half of the face is Saudi Arabia in meetings: a charming rich guy with time to shake hands with everyone. In private, Saudi Arabia screams through an acid-ravaged face about how everyone needs to "do something" about everyone else.


Personality profile: Belligerence, chauvinism and stoopidity means that everyone hates Iran, including the people it thought were its friends.

What America sees: Eric Theodore Cartman. Spoiled, sociopathic and unstable, but put Iran at home by itself with no one to be vile to and a great stack of food and you feel kind of sorry for it.


Personality profile: A massively evil, "flabby old" stroke victim.

What America sees: Nosferatu. Wizened, diseased and yet unspeakably powerful and evil.


Personality profile: Evil, scary and with immense power. For some reason insists on pretending that all "baddie" countries are "goodies", and vice versa. Why can't they just help America get what it wants?

What America sees: King Macbeth of Scotland. Powerful, but its desire for more power and interest in consorting with witches (Iran, "the bad Korea", Sudan) is going to cause trouble.


Personality profile: The great swinging dick of Europe, run by a topless, bear-killing fisherman with the help of Mafia so volatile they'll cut yours off if you don't spell their name with a capital "M".

What America sees: Ernst Stavro Blofeld, but with a ripe, manly physique and a penchant for fishing.


Personality profile: Russia's pet. Thought of as "Feckless, vain and [utlimately] ineffective".

What America sees: Ernst Stavro Blofeld's white Persian cat. Italy sits in Russia's lap becoming aroused.


Personality profile: Undiplomatic, wayward, thin-skinned. As loud and prominent as it always was, but way less charming and funny.

What America sees: When will Charlie Sheen stop fucking around and realise he's the next Leslie Nielsen?