We Got Some of Our Ex-Boyfriends and Girlfriends to Review Us as Lovers

"I think, deep down, you're a good person – whatever that means. But you are also careless and exhausting and a bit unstable."

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06 February 2015, 1:29pm

Last week, you might have read about the man who asked his ex-girlfriends to rate him as a boyfriend so he could post the reviews to Tinder. The idea was that potential matches would see the ratings, realise this guy was a bit of a laugh, swipe right and maybe have sex with him at some point in the near future. Instead, it seems that the guy's now on the road to getting back together with one of the exes he forgot to contact for his Tinder ploy. So I suppose it kind of worked in a very convoluted roundabout way.

The most interesting part of it, though, were the reviews themselves. The reasons the numerous relationships failed, laid bare, on a dating app, for anyone with that dating app to see. Inspired by this man's quest for matches, we asked some of our writers to get in touch with their exes and have them review how good, bad or unstable they were as a boyfriend or girlfriend.

A REVIEW OF PARIS LEES BY HER EX-BOYFRIEND
You're the hottest girl I've ever dated, but you're also demanding, attention-seeking and manipulative. You are very temperamental, highly-strung, selfish. It used to annoy me when you'd rub your attractiveness in my face during arguments. You're very bright. And a decent cook. Clean. I can't say sensitive or compassionate, but you are sweet in some ways, and humorous and lively when you choose to be. You can be spontaneous. I suppose a pro could be, if you're a really weak man who likes being bossed about, then Paris will be perfect for you.

Would I date a transgender girl again? I'm not sure I could handle the craziness. It was an interesting test for me in the sense of me being very pro-equality and not caring about people's backgrounds. I respected you and how you demanded to be treated with respect and not hidden in the shadows. It was never an issue. And if anyone had had a problem with it, it would have been a good way to weed out bad friends anyway.

I've learned a hell of a lot. I don't regret it. You don't have a lot of the boring bullshit that a lot of girls have – the, "Oh, let's go and visit my aunty Karen this weekend," and all that crap. I don't think you'd ever make a "good" girlfriend, but what you would make is a very interesting and fun partner to be with. As a lover and a human being, yeah, you're brilliant.

A REVIEW OF JACK URWIN BY HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND
You didn't listen well to the things I said and you were very out-of-touch with your own self, which grew into a plethora of issues. One of the things that saved us for so long was that your inability to communicate verbally somehow didn't translate completely to written form. We fought a whole bunch towards the end. I can't remember what I was mad about most of the times, but I remember feeling like I had to hold your hand a lot.

You lack self-control sometimes and make a lot of excuses, mostly to yourself. I think your biggest issue is you don't see yourself for who you are, and you start a vicious, cyclical pattern of feeling like you're not worth much. Before you know it, you've carved yourself a nice hole in the dirt in which to wallow. And god damn if you don't go to sleep early.

But you have one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. For a straight, white, middle-class man you're very aware of people around you who don't fall into the same categories, and you try to be as sensitive, accepting and humble as possible. You're genuinely smart, and with intelligence comes humour. You know how to make fun of yourself (probably better than anyone else can). You're also very loyal to those around you. Honestly, most of your personality is a pro. I just think you and I weren't well-suited for one another.

A REVIEW OF HANNAH EWENS BY HER EX-BOYFRIEND
You found the ugliest, weirdest people attractive for the weirdest reasons. That maybe says something good about you. When we started dating you were exciting, very clever and interesting. You made me feel interesting, too. I hadn't met anyone like you. But looking back, when you began to like me or when we became steady, you became arrogant. Completely complacent. Acted like you didn't give a shit, took me for granted. I became your servant and I got sucked in.

You're a bit mental, but in a good way. You're a weird person trapped in a pretty girl's body. You don't make sense on paper. You like Lord of the Rings and you also like heavy metal and partying and reading. You're different, I guess. You love people, which made me feel like shit when you went around talking to everyone. When you're happy, you're the most fun to be with. When you're not, you're distant.

You were a right fucking bitch at the end. You really went out of your way to make things overdramatic and go out with a bang. Everything has to be cinematic. I did cheat on you multiple times, so I suppose I deserved it.

All this said, you're a very kind person deep down. I'd see you do anything for a mate or your family. Too bad you wouldn't do the same for a boyfriend. You were a laugh – an unusual girlfriend – and I haven't been able to fill your place. Definitely not going to forget you, for good or bad. Wouldn't go there again, though.

A REVIEW OF ALEX HORNE BY HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND
It's sort of impossible to describe what you were like because you were never consistently anything other than a mess. You manage to be arrogant and cripplingly shy at the same time. You're ostensibly intelligent, but you also do the dumbest things imaginable and don't even realise it. When we were together you switched between being cloyingly needy and barely even there so fast it made my head spin.

I don't actually think you're all there. The fact you asked me to write this confirms my impression that you don't fully grasp the idea of other people. It's not that you're selfish, it's more just that you don't understand that people are different from you. You need to learn that just because something wouldn't bother you, doesn't mean it couldn't bother someone else.

I know that you spend an inordinate amount of time fretting about shit and overanalysing everything, but all this worrying never leads to anything. The closest you've come to changing your behaviour is saying you were going to change your behaviour.

I don't want this to seem too negative – we had a lot of fun, and I think, deep down, you're a good person, whatever that means. But you are also careless and exhausting and a bit unstable.

You did get me into The Knife, though, which has to count for something.

A REVIEW OF JO FUERTES-KNIGHT BY HER EX-BOYFRIEND
As a human you're fun, but in terms of getting into a relationship, you were sometimes mean and paranoid. Remember when you sent me a BBM telling me to "die lol?" because I'd been standing next to a girl from work for too long when we went out? And you mouthed threats at my ex when you were drunk. Also, remember when you were two hours late to meet me, but when I was half an hour late to pick you up, you got the hump, fucked off by yourself and put your phone on silent? The time you went home and left my front door open in the middle of the night because you "didn't like using my bathroom". And when you broke my window frame leaning out to shout at someone. Also, the phone smashing incident.

I think my best memories are when we first met and just smoked and napped a lot. And your bum: I'm a fan. I'd say you are fine in contained spaces, just not in public because of all the shouting. You tend to get this "glazed-over-Jo" look and argue with taxi drivers. Good: bum. Bad: angry a lot.

@ParisLees / @JackMerlin / @hannahrosewens / @AllHorne / @fuertesknight / @SptSam

More stories about relationships:

Things You Learn When a Long-Term Relationship Collapses in Your Twenties

How to Have a Non-Monogamous Relationship

I Went to a Silent Speed-Dating Night in Clapham