These are the Challenges We Absolutely Must See on Simon Cowell's 'Ultimate DJ' Show

Simon Cowell's long-awaited, dance-centric reality TV show is almost here. Earlier this week, Yahoo and Ultra Records yesterday announced a partnership with the British media mogul to produce a show titled Ultimate DJ to run on Yahoo. The show will endeavor to uncover the next DJ superstar through a season-long competition.

Understandably, the dance world is aflutter with anticipation. DJs like Gorgon City have already come out against the show, Fatboy Slim declined to join as a a judge, and the dance music blogosphere has heckled the whole way through. While questions over how the show will quantify "ultimate DJ-ness" still linger, we think there are a few challenges that absolutely must be included in order to determine who the biggest, most amazingest DJ (according to Simon Cowell) really is.

If you can't throw that pecan pie more than 50 feet, you're never gonna make it in the DJ game, kid. In this challenge, you'll be given a table full of pastries and will have to aim for a hydraulically-powered moving target made to look like an eager groupie.

Your importance is defined by those around you, so consider the DJ booth your real-life MySpace Top 8: Models, rappers, fellow DJs, congressmen, athletes, celebrity chefs – anyone with a Wikipedia page will earn you top points, but the winner is the first to accumulate a million facebook fans into the DJ booth at one time.

In 2015, DJing is all about pageantry and spectacle, so choreograph the one thing you actually must do on stage into the biggest fucking deal ever. How you press play says everything about who you are as a DJ and who you will become as a person.

But first… lemme take a dickpic. You're not a famous DJ until the internet is discussing whether or not your dickpic was full-chub or half-chub. But more important than turning ID-junk into a career boost, the number of x-rated Instagram DMs and NSFW text received during your set says everything about the quality of your performance.

Your fans can never truly love you until they've see you cry, so you better be able to lose your shit at the drop of a needle for even the slightest of infractions against your rider. You'll also need to have it surreptitiously captured on video, let it go viral, deny that it's you, then apologize for having offended anyone.

How many saggy black shirts can you stuff into a duffel bag? Until you learn how to do laundry, this'll define how many gigs you can do on a tour, and you only have 60 seconds to pack!

As proven by DJ Mag, success as a DJ is defined by your social media presence. Prove your chops as a selector by taking as many selfies with fans as possible within 3 minutes.

Most times you DJ, you're going to be in a barely-lit nightclub and most likely shitfaced on Fireball. It's what DJs do! You must learn how to plug in that USB stick on the first (or second) try, without use of most of your senses.

Ten points for every refund and public apology you can collect from airlines or boutique hotel chains. Bonus points if you can find a totally novel concept to complain about.

If you really want to be an ultimate DJ, you can't just be a DJ. You need to be a brand. To be a brand, you need to be an icon. And to be an icon, you need your own pose. Heart hands are played out, there are way too many Jesuses, get creative and define yourself!