If you think about it, there are more depressing ways to spend your Valentine's Day than by going to Hooters. Like, um, if you spend that particular Tuesday night feeding your weird aunt's ferret. Or if you sit in the parking lot of what used to be a Blockbuster, wondering if the empty windows are a metaphor for your equally empty heart.
Plus, at least Hooters is giving away free wings again this year.
Your high school wrestling coach's favourite chain restaurant is offering its #ShredYourEx promotion for the second straight year, which means that you can once again trade a tear-stained photo of your ex for a plate of boneless wings.
All you have to do is find an old picture of the two of you—or download one from the Facebook profile you swore you'd stop looking at six months ago—and take it into the nearest Hooters, where a member of the waitstaff will help you feed it into a rented piece of office equipment.
"For those rebounding from a tough breakup or just taking a break from the whole relationship thing, Hooters is offering a tasty solution: shred 'em and forget 'em," Hooters wrote in a press release. "On Feb. 14, guests will earn 10 free boneless wings with the purchase of 10 wings by shredding an image of their ex in-store or online."
Yes, if you're too embarrassed to shred that sepia photo that you had taken at Dollywood's Old Time Flashbulb Photo Shop—but not too embarrassed to eat two plates of Hooters wings—you can upload it on the Shred Your Ex website. The site asks a couple of questions about the length of your relationship, how it ended, and how much time has passed since the breakup before recommending whether you should shred that pic, burn it, bury it, or throw virtual darts at it. That'll get you a coupon for ten bonus wings, too.
According to Hooters, more than 25,000 people shredded, burned, or buried their exes online last year, which should either make you feel better or worse about your own life. Last year was its first time offering the #ShredYourEx Valentine's promotion and, as sad as that might be, it's still better than its beyond outdated 2011 Valentine's deal, which suggested that you "Forget the Ring and Bring Her in for Wings."
So yeah, if you're on the Hooters website and realise that your last breakup was the day after that particular promo, you might want to put down the boneless wings and think about your life choices.
Oh, and don't forget to feed your aunt's ferret at 7 PM.