What's Gone On This Week: Bank Holiday Chaos Edition

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

THIS WEEK MASSIVE CLIMATE CHANGE DEMONSTRATIONS HAVE BROUGHT CHAOS TO CENTRAL LONDON. THE PROTESTS, PART OF A GLOBAL CAMPAIGN ORGANISED BY THE BRITISH CLIMATE GROUP EXTINCTION REBELLION, BROUGHT TRANSPORT SYSTEMS IN LONDON TO A STANDSTILL IN A MOVE CALLED “THE PAUSE” – AN ELABORATE METAPHOR TO GET PEOPLE TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE. PROTESTORS SAY THEY'LL LAST "AS LONG AS IT TAKES" FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO TAKE ACTION.

POLICE SAID THEY WOULD PURSUE A “PROPORTIONATE RESPONSE” AND HAVE ARRESTED OVER 400 PEOPLE SO FAR. THIS INCLUDED PROMINENT ENVIRONMENTAL LAWYER FARHANA YAMIN – WHO HELPED DRAFT THE LANDMARK 2015 PARIS AGREEMENT AND GLUED BOTH OF HER HANDS TO THE GROUND OUTSIDE THE SHELL BUILDING ON TUESDAY. YAMIN ADMITTED THAT THE LEGAL PROCESS IN THE UK IS “BROKEN” AND THAT PEOPLE LIKE HER WERE “HAVING TO BREAK LAW, RATHER THAN MAKE LAW BECAUSE OF THE INACTION” BY THE UK GOVERNMENT.

THIS CAMPAIGN OF “PEACEFUL, RESPECTFUL AND DISRUPTIVE” CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE IS BACKED BY HUNDRED OF SCIENTISTS AND ACADEMICS. OF COURSE, WE MIGHT ASK HOW THE FUCK DOES IT GET TO THE POINT SOME CUNTS HAVE TO GLUE THEMSELVES TO WINDOWS ON THE VICTORIA LINE OR MORRIS DANCE ON WATERLOO BRIDGE DURING RUSH HOUR FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO PAY ATTENTION TO SCIENCE. LEST WE FORGET, SCIENTISTS WERE NOT ONLY ABLE TO PREDICT THE EXISTENCE OF BLACK HOLES BUT MANAGED TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH OF ONE 55-MILLION LIGHT YEARS AWAY LAST WEEK, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO CLIMATE CHANGE THEY'RE TREATED LIKE SOME FUCKING SELF-PROCLAIMED SHAMAN IN A DASHIKI AT BOOMTOWN.

OPPOSITION TO THESE PROTESTS DIDN’T JUST COME FROM SOME CUNT WITH A DISPLAY PICTURE OF AN AUDI A4 HE’S TITLED “THE DREAM” WHOSE PATTER AMOUNTS TO QUESTIONING IF PROTESTORS ARE USING “VEGAN AND ORGANIC GLUE” BUT ALSO, PREDICTABLY, THE BRITISH MEDIA. SKY NEWS JOURNALIST ADAM BOULTON COMPARED THE PROTESTORS TO “RIGHT WING FASCISTS WHO WANT TO DICTATE” BEFORE CLAIMING – DESPITE BEING CLEARLY RATTLED – THAT THEY'RE “NOT EVEN GETTING [THEIR] MESSAGE ACROSS” BECAUSE IT’S “HALF-TERM WEEK”. MEANWHILE, JULIA HARTLEY-BREWERMUSED ON TWITTER: “WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I TRIED TO DRIVE MY CAR ACROSS THE BRIDGE THEY BLOCKADED, AS I AM LEGALLY ENTITLED TO DO?”.

LONDON MAYOR SADIQ KHAN, SAID: “TARGETING PUBLIC TRANSPORT IN THIS WAY WOULD ONLY DAMAGE THE CAUSE”, CLEARLY IGNORING THE WHOLE POINT THAT WESTMINSTER ARE ALREADY INTENTIONALLY DISREGARDING ANY AND ALL ADVICE REGARDING CLIMATE CHANGE. WHILE SITTING CROSSLEGGED IN A YURT IN PENZANCE, HOLDING HANDS AND SINGING KUMBAYA, SOUNDS NICE, THAT ISN’T GOING TO MAKE THE GOVERNMENT DO FUCK ALL ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

WHATEVER YOU THINK OF EXTINCTION REBELLION, JUST REMEMBER: IT’S THE BIGGEST CORPORATIONS AND THE RICH THAT ARE CURRENTLY DESTROYING OUR PLANET FOR PROFIT AND YOU BEST BELIEVE CLIMATE CHANGE IS ONLY GOING TO END UP KILLING THE WORLD’S POOREST.

AS NOTRE DAME CAUGHT FIRE THIS WEEK, BILLIONAIRES AND WORLD LEADERS VOWED TO HELP PAY FOR THE RECONSTRUCTION OF THE HISTORIC BUILDING. DESPITE THE OMINOUS IMAGES WE ALL SAW ONLINE AS THE FIRE TOOK GRIP, PARISIAN FIREFIGHTERS MANAGED TO SAVE THE LANDMARK'S MAIN STONE STRUCTURE DESPITE THE ROOF AND 19TH-CENTURY ICONIC SPIRE BEING LOST IN THE FLAMES.

A FUND TO RESTORE THE CATHEDRAL TO ITS FORMER GLORY HAS ALREADY SEEN €1 BILLION POUR IN FROM ACROSS THE GLOBE AND FRENCH PRESIDENT EMMANUEL MACRON HAS VOWED TO RECONSTRUCT THE HISTORIC BUILDING “WITHIN FIVE YEARS”, SEEMINGLY HAVING NEVER ENCOUNTERED A SINGLE BUILDING CONTRACTOR IN HIS LIFE.

FRENCH BILLIONAIRE’S FROM THE FASHION AND COSMETICS WORLD WERE FIRST TO LEAP AT THE CHANCE TO BE PART OF THE NOTRE-DAME REFURBISHMENT EFFORTS; BERNARD ARNAULT'S FAMILY, WHO OWN LOUIS VUITTON, GAVE €200 MILLION; THE BETTENCOURT FAMILY, WHO FOUNDED L’OREAL, GAVE A FURTHER €200 MILLION; FRANÇOIS-HENRI PINAUL, CEO OF THE KERING GROUP THAT OWNS GUCCI, THREW €100 MILLION INTO THE KITTY.

MANY WORLD LEADERS RELEASED STATEMENTS ABOUT THE UNFORTUNATE EVENT, INCLUDING TRUMP WHO OFFERED HIS “CONDOLENCES TO THE POPE” AND WISHED MACRON A “HAPPY EASTER”. MEANWHILE, RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN SAID HE WAS HAPPY TO SEND EXPERTS TO HELP WITH RESTORATION EFFORTS, WHICH ISN’T SURPRISING GIVEN THE RUSSIANS' WELL-ESTABLISHED PASSION FOR CATHEDRALS.

THERESA MAY PROMISED THE UK WILL ALSO SUPPORT EFFORTS TO RECONSTRUCT THE BUILDING AND SAID THE BELLS AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY WILL TOLL AT 5.43PM TO MARK THE MOMENT THE NOTRE-DAME FIRE BEGAN IN AN ACT OF “SOLIDARITY”. THIS PROMPTED “GRENFELL” TO TREND ONLINE AS THE PRIME MINISTER’S REACTION TO THE LOSS OF A BUILDING IN FRANCE EVOKED A MUCH STRONGER RESPONSE THAN THE SHOCKING NEGLIGENCE THAT KILLED 72 PEOPLE NEARLY TWO YEARS AGO AT GRENFELL TOWER, WITH MANY VICTIMS STILL NOT PERMANENTLY REHOMED AND CRIMINAL CHARGES SEEMINGLY UNLIKELY TO EVER ARRIVE.

EUROPEAN COUNCIL PRESIDENT DONALD TUSK ALSO CALLED ON EU MEMBER STATES TO RALLY ROUND “TO HELP FUND THE RESTORATION” LIKE IT WAS A VILLAGE GREENHOUSE.

EVEN IF YOU ADMIRE THE NOTRE-DAME HISTORICALLY AND ARCHITECTURALLY, THIS WORKPLACE-ESQUE WHIP AROUND FROM WORLD POWERS AND BILLIONAIRES FOR A STATE-OWNED CATHOLIC CHURCH LIKE WE ARE IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE AGES IS WELL AND TRULY FUCKING DETESTABLE.

THE GROTESQUE WILLINGNESS OF THE RICHEST AND MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET TO UNITE OVER AN OLD FUCKING CHURCH THAT WOULD HAVE LONG BEEN TURNED INTO LUXURY FLATS IN MOST COUNTRIES AFTER A FIRE JUST SHOWS HOW BULLSHIT IT ALL IS. THE €1 BILLION THAT THESE “BENEVOLENT” BILLIONAIRES AND DIGNITARIES ARE COUGHING UP REALLY DOES SHOW THAT IF THE RICH VIEWED POVERTY IN THE SAME WAY THEY VIEW THIS CATHEDRAL FOR A SINGLE DAY, THEY COULD LITERALLY ERADICATE IT. BUT THEY CHOOSE NOT TO.

THEN AGAIN, WHY VOLUNTEER TO PAY YOUR TAXES WHEN YOU CAN BE A FACE OF THIS WORLDWIDE VANITY PROJECT? NOW THAT’S FASHION.

THE NOUN “TORY” WOULD GO PART WAY TO ENCAPSULATING THE BEHAVIOUR OF SKY NEWS PRESENTER JAYNE SECKER THIS WEEK, WHOSE “INTERVIEW” OF RECENTLY EVICTED TENANT KIRSTY ARCHER WENT VIRAL BECAUSE OF HOW WILDLY OUT OF TOUCH IT WAS.

KIRSTY WAS INVITED ON THE SHOW TO SPEAK ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE RECEIVING A SECTION 21 NOTICE, IN LIGHT OF THE ANNOUNCED GOVERNMENT PLANS TO SCRAP THESE “REVENGE EVICTIONS” IN ENGLAND AFTER INCREASED PRESSURES FROM HOUSING CAMPAIGNERS AND RENTERS.

AS KIRSTY BEGAN TO EXPLAIN HER CURRENT SITUATION, OF RECEIVING A NO-FAULT EVICTION NOTICE FOR DARING TO COMPLAIN TO HER LANDLORD ABOUT THE SERIOUS DISREPAIR OF THE FLAT, SHE WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE PATRON SAINT OF PROPRIETORS/HER INTERVIEWER. THE NEWSCASTER INTERJECTED TO SAY THAT ACTUALLY NONE OF THAT WAS “THE LANDLORD’S FAULT, THAT’S JUST THE MARKET ISN’T?” BEFORE INSINUATING THAT: “THE LANDLORD WOULD HAVE THE SAME ISSUES IF YOU DECIDED TO MOVE OUT."

“WHY SHOULD IT COST SO MUCH JUST TO LIVE A SECURE LIFE? WE CAN’T AFFORD TO BUY A PROPERTY, SO WE HAVE TO RENT?" KIRSTY WENT ON TO RETORT, BEFORE “IMPARTIAL” JOURNALIST SECKER GRIMACED AND “UM, YEAH” BEFORE LAMENTING HER OWN EXPERIENCES AS SOMEONE “WHO ALSO RENTS FLAT OUT” AND RECITING STORIES ABOUT THE “YOUNGER GENERATION” WHO CAN’T “CHANGE LIGHT BULBS”.

INCIDENTALLY, ALL SECKER MANAGED TO DO DURING THE INTERVIEW WAS PERFECTLY ILLUSTRATE THE CONTEMPT THE UK LANDLORDS HOLD FOR THEIR TENANTS. THE FACT SHE ALSO STATES A YOUNG PERSON WHO WILL BE RENDERED HOMELESS UNLESS THEY CAN MAGIC £2,000 OUT OF THEIR ARSE FOR A NEW PLACE AT SHORT NOTICE AND A LANDLORD TEXTING A LETTING AGENT “IT’S BACK ON THE MARKET” HAVE THE “SAME ISSUES” IS MIND NUMBING.

LANDLADY SECKER THEN BEMOANED YOUNG PEOPLE’S LACK OF HOME OWNERSHIP SKILLS BY SAYING “IF YOU LIVED IN A HOME THAT YOU OWNED, NOBODY WOULD BE ABLE TO FIX THESE THINGS FOR YOU” AS IF THERE IS SOME SORT OF CHOICE ABOUT OWNING PROPERTY FOR THE YOUNGER GENERATION AND WE SOMEHOW ENJOY PAYING HALF OF OUR MONTHLY SALARY TO SOME THIN LIPPED CUNT WHILE LOCKED IN THIS PERPETUAL RENTING CHOKEHOLD.

THEN, JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT COULDN’T GET ANY MORE INFURIATING, SECKER DROPS THE HYDROGEN BOMB OF PATRONISATION QUESTIONS BY ASKING KIRSTY IF SHE HAD FOUND AMONGST HER FRIENDS “THAT YOU PERHAPS AREN’T EQUIPPED WITH ALL THE NECESSARY SKILLS TO RENT?”

HOWEVER IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG FOR SECKER’S PAYMASTERS TO MAKE HER TWEET AN APOLOGY WHERE SHE SAID: “CLEARLY I GOT THE TONE AND CONTENT OF AN INTERVIEW WRONG AND IT HAS UPSET MANY PEOPLE… PLEASE BE ASSURED I HAVE TAKEN THE MANY COMMENTS ON BOARD. MEA CULPA.”

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT ANYONE WHO APOLOGISES WITH “MEA CULPA” AND NOT “SORRY” GENUINELY COULDN’T GET ANY FURTHER FROM NORMAL AND DECENT BUT WHAT MAKES THIS NON-APOLOGY EVEN MORE POINTLESS IS THAT IT WASN’T EVEN CLEAR PRECISELY TO PEOPLE ONLINE WHICH OF HER DAY'S TWO CLANGER INTERVIEWS SHE WAS EVEN REFERENCING.

I GUESS WHEN YOU SEE THE RECENT NEWS THAT SHOWS HALF OF ENGLAND IS OWNED BY LESS THAN ONE PERCENT OF ITS POPULATION AND THEN THIS IS THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA’S ANGLE WHEN IT COMES TO LAND OWNERS, YOU CAN'T HELP BUT FUCKING LAUGH AT THE INESCAPABLE NEOLIBERAL THATCHER THEME PARK WE ARE CONFINED TO.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO