What's Gone On This Week: The Budget, Legal-ish Weed and David Cameron Is 'Bored Shitless'

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a new column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

What’s the problem?

WHENEVER YOU SEE SOME DAFT CUNT SMIRKING AND HOLDING UP A SMALL RED BOX LIKE IT’S A PROP FROM A SHERLOCK HOMES EXHIBITION YOU KNOW IT’S TIME FOR THE BUDGET AND TO SEE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT ARE PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT.

SOME TAKEAWAYS FROM THE BUDGET INCLUDE AN EXTRA £500 MILLION TOWARDS THE NO-DEAL BREXIT PREPARATIONS, WHICH I IMAGINE IS ALL GOING ON A MAKRO ACCOUNT FOR CANNED GOODS.

THEN, UNSURPRISINGLY, AGAINST ALL MONETARY COMMON SENSE AND GOVERNMENT RHETORIC ON SPENDING, WE FIND AN ADDITIONAL £1 BILLION FOR THE DEFENCE BUDGET.

ALSO: THE GOVERNMENT CONTINUES TO ATTACK COOL PEOPLE BY INCREASING THE COST OF CIGARETTES AND TOBACCO YET AGAIN. I WAS NEVER AVERSE TO HANDING OUT A CIGARETTE BUT NOW IT FEELS WITH EVERY PASSING YEAR THEY ARE ACQUIRING SOME SORT OF POST-APOCALYPTIC WORTH.

THE CHANCELLOR COUGHED UP £400 MILLION EXTRA FOR SCHOOLS SO THEY CAN "BUY THE LITTLE EXTRAS THEY NEED" WHICH WILL SURPRISE SOME STUDENTS IN LIVERPOOL THIS YEAR WHO HAD TO SIT IN FULL SHACKLETON GEAR FOR THEIR MOCK EXAMS BECAUSE THE SCHOOL COULDN'T AFFORD THEIR HEATING BILL.

SO MAYBE THESE "LITTLE EXTRAS" WILL INCLUDE ILOPROST TO COMBAT THE FROSTBITE OR SOME THINSULATE BALACLAVAS.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER, PHILIP HAMMOND ALLOCATED £420 MILLION – SOME £20 MILLION MORE THAN FOR SCHOOLS – TO TACKLING POTHOLES.

Where’s the problem?

THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND. ALSO, CAPITALIST ECONOMY AT LARGE.

Oh god, what now?

IT'S A BUDGET FOR "THE STRIVERS, THE GRAFTERS AND THE CARERS" DECLARED HAMMOND, WHO HAS SEEMINGLY NEVER INTERACTED WITH A NORMAL PERSON IN HIS LIFE.

LINES SUCH AS THIS BUDGET SIGNALLING "THE END TO AUSTERITY" ARE EMPTY STATEMENTS AND MEAN NOTHING TO THE AVERAGE PERSON OF BRITAIN. THINGS ARE QUITE FRANKLY SHIT NOW AND YOU'D DO WELL TO FIND SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T OWN A TAILCOAT TO TELL YOU THE FUTURE, POST-BREXIT, IS A BRIGHT ONE.

Jesus Christ, why do they keep doing stuff like this?

WATCH ANY COVERAGE OF PARLIAMENT AND YOU WILL FIND THAT THERE ARE LITERALLY JEERS AND HECKLES ANYTIME SOMEONE MENTIONS IMPOVERISHED CONSTITUENTS. A DISREGARD FOR HUMANITY SO OVERT THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A LOAD OF HOMELESS PEOPLE IN THERE WHILE THEY MAKE A BONFIRE OUT OF FIVERS.

Will I be OK?

LIKE MOST THINGS, IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. MOST OF THE SPENDING DECISIONS IN THE BUDGET ARE INCONSEQUENTIAL TO THE PEOPLE MAKING THEM.

OK, so if I’m OK, who won’t be?

"THE STRIVERS, THE GRAFTERS AND THE CARERS."

Could this have been prevented with some intelligent long-term planning or social philosophy?

YES, DESTROY ALL INSTITUTIONS AND START AGAIN.

Can I blame the conservative people for this?

NATURALLY, YES.

What’s the problem?

IT SEEMS COMMON SENSE IS SLOWLY ROLLING (GENUINELY SORRY) IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AS MEDICAL CANNABIS CAN NOW BE LEGALLY PRESCRIBED TO PATIENTS IN THE UK.

Where's the problem?

ANYWHERE THAT ANYONE WHO NEEDS IT BUT STILL CAN'T ACCESS IT DUE TO BUREAUCRACY STEMMING FROM THE FEAR THAT IF WE LEGALISE A BIT OF DRUGS EVERYONE WILL LOSE THEIR HEADS. SO. MOST PEOPLE. EVERYWHERE.

Oh god, what now?

THE DECISION TO RELAX THE LAWS HAVE LARGELY COME FOLLOWING THE HIGH PROFILE CASES OF TWO BOYS WITH SEVERE EPILEPSY BEING DENIED TREATMENT WITH CANNABIS OIL.

HOWEVER, IT CAN ONLY BE PRESCRIBED BY SPECIALIST HOSPITAL DOCTORS IN A SMALL NUMBER OF CASES, AND NOT BY YOUR LOCAL GP.

AND ONLY WHEN THERE IS CLEAR PUBLISHED EVIDENCE TO SHOW ITS BENEFITS, AND ALL OTHER OPTIONS ARE EXHAUSTED.

AND ONLY IN CASES OF CHILDREN WITH RARE, SEVERE FORMS OF EPILEPSY.

AND ONLY ADULTS WITH VOMITING OR NAUSEA CAUSED BY CHEMOTHERAPY OR MUSCLE STIFFNESS CAUSED BY MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS.

SO THESE STRICT GUIDELINES WILL MAKE TREATMENT MUCH MORE LIMITED THAN MANY CAMPAIGNERS WERE HOPING FOR.

Jesus Christ why do they keep doing stuff like this?

BRITAIN SIMPLY LOVES ANACHRONISTIC SHIT LIKE THIS. LIKE BLITZ PARTIES OR GIN.

Will I be OK?

MOST LIKELY.

OK, so if I’m OK, who won’t be?

THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T FIT WITHIN THE GOVERNMENT’S GUIDELINES AND ARE LITERALLY FORCED TO BREAK THE LAW IN ORDER TO SELF-MEDICATE.

Could this have been prevented with some intelligent long-term planning or social philosophy?

YES, BY STOPPING THE "WAR ON DRUGS" AND THEN STOPPING CRIMINALISING PEOPLE FOR SOMETHING THEY ARE GOING TO DO ANYWAY.

Can I blame the conservative people for this?

YES, IT'S BABY STEPS AND HALF MEASURES THAT STILL LEAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE SLIPPING THROUGH THE CRACKS.

What’s the problem?

THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON IS REPORTED TO BE MAKING A COMEBACK INTO POLITICS. A SEQUEL AS WELCOME AS 'SON OF THE MASK'.

NOT TWO YEARS SINCE HE LEFT DOWNING STREET AFTER INITIATING THE BREXIT REFERENDUM IN ORDER TO APPEASE A FEW TORY BACKBENCHERS SO HE COULD HAVE ANOTHER CRACK AT BEING PM, A SOURCE CLOSE TO CAMERON HAS CLAIMED HE IS "BORED SHITLESS".

IT SEEMS THE TOTAL CHAOS THAT HAS FOLLOWED SINCE BRITAIN CHOSE TO LEAVE THE EU, WHICH CAMERON KNEW ALL TOO WELL WOULD HAPPEN, HAS LEFT LOTS OF PEOPLE NOSTALGIC ABOUT HIS TIME IN CHARGE OF THE CONSERVATIVES.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, BECAUSE IF I BET THE DEEDS TO MY PARENT'S HOUSE ON A DUD HAND IN TEXAS HOLD 'EM JUST TO STAY IN THE GAME, I’D BE RIGHTLY CALLED A "STUPID CUNT".

THIS RUMOUR HAS EVOKED A RESPONSE FROM SOME LABOUR MPS:

ANGELA RAYNER, SHADOW SECRETARY OF STATE FOR EDUCATION, TWEETED "NO DAVID PLEASE STAY IN RETIREMENT YOU CAUSED ENOUGH DAMAGE."

ANNA TURLEY, MP FOR REDCAR, SAID: "THE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT IS UNREAL. PLEASE GO AWAY AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE."

YVETTE COOPER POSTED: "MAN, YOU RIPPED UP OUR CLOSEST INTERNATIONAL PARTNERSHIP. BY ACCIDENT. THAT MAKES YOU EVEN WORSE THAN BORIS JOHNSON."

ALL THIS WHEN "I DON’T WANT THAT SWEATY LIPPED CUNT ANYWHERE NEAR POLITICS AGAIN” WOULD HAVE SUFFICED.

Where’s the problem?

THE UK, OF COURSE. WHERE TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE.

Oh god, what now?

ANY POTENTIAL CAMERON RETURN WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HIS SHIT BOOK IS RELEASED AFTER "BREXIT DAY", END OF MARCH 2019, IN ORDER TO AVOID INTERFERING WITH THE BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS – SOMETHING HE, RATHER FAMOUSLY, WANTS NO INVOLVEMENT IN.

Jesus Christ, why do they keep doing stuff like this?

I'VE NO IDEA WHY MEN WHO MAKE CATASTROPHIC DECISIONS IN THEIR TENURE THINK AN ENCORE IS VALID. OR WHY ANYONE WOULD INDULGE THEM. EVEN TONY BLAIR IS ITCHING TO DO THE SAME. IT’S LIKE THINKING EDWARD SMITH IS THE RIGHT FUCKING MAN TO TAKE THE HELM OF TITANIC II.

Will I be OK?

PHYSICALLY? YES. SPIRITUALLY? NO.

OK, so if I’m OK, who won’t be?

EVERYONE WITHIN THIS HELLSCAPE OF AN ISLAND, IF TO COMES TO FRUITION.

Could this have been prevented with some intelligent longterm planning or social philosophy?

MAYBE WITH ACCOUNTABLE POLITICS.

Can I blame the conservative people for this?

WHO FUCKING ELSE.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE