It seems like only yesterday that Theresa May was squaring up to increase her majority and vanquish what she assumed was a laughably pathetic opposition. “Strong and Stable,” she parroted, a phrase that would later come to haunt her as her government failed to gain a majority, and then continued, alongside the DUP, to throw the country into utter chaos over Brexit. Thank God her successor, Boris Johnson, managed to pick up where she left off, arguably doing an even better job at creating what many political pundits have called “a total shit show.”
And thus, we find ourselves here again: at a general election. It’s a winter one this time, which I guess is kind of new? Not fun – per se, it’s horrible being cold and the darkness is scary, but also, novel? I guess? Let’s fuckin av it. Here's your general election power ranking.
5. THE LIB DEMS PRETENDING THEY’RE RELEVANT
The Lib Dems have the energy of a Z-list celebrity trying to claw their way into the spotlight by appearing on low-budget game shows and sponsoring a glue brand. They’ll tag bigger celebrities on their Instagram, with the caption, “can’t wait to hang again babes! Wishing you the best of birthdays xx.” Just like these former reality TV stars or that teenage who rapped along to Dave’s set at Glastonbury and then tried to release a single: you’re just not that relevant.
Unfortunately, the Lib Dems feel otherwise. In fact, they feel so strongly otherwise that they’ve started releasing some extremely dubious polls. One poll tweeted out by BathNES Lib Dems (Bath and North East Somerset), claimed that in order to de-seat Jacob Rees-Mogg, it would be tactical to vote Lib Dem. Read the small print, and you’ll see this was based on the question: “Image the results of your consistency was expected to be very close between the Conservative and Liberal Democrat candidate, and none of the other parties were competitive. In this scenario, who would you vote for?"
Well... you’ve got us there!
4. THE TORY PARTY MANIFESTO IS BEING WRITTEN BY A LOBBYIST WHO HAS WORKED FOR FRACKING COMPANIES AND BIG TECH.
Not much to say here really. The Tory party suck. That’s it.
3. THIS CHRISTMAS GENERAL ELECTION
Thought confronting all your awful relatives about their terrible views was fun enough? Now it’s time to do it in the dark while you’re freezing cold and have seasonal depression!
2. THE EXODUS OF MODERATE TORIES
As the moderate wing of the Tory party gradually disappears, this election has added fuel to the fire. This week, many MPs have announced they’re stepping down in the run up to the December election. Mainly, high-profile women from the Conservative Party. This includes Amber Rudd, responsible for rolling out the widely-criticised Universal Credit system, and Nicky Morgan, the equalities minister who voted against equal marriage. Morgan cited the "abuse" she has received as an MP, and many of those quitting are women. Thank God the Tory party are otherwise diverse, stable and competent or else we'd have a real problem on our hands.
1. ELECTION MEMES
Joy to the world, the Lord has come, and with him he brings a new round of election memes to grant us comic relief as we sit through TV debates, terrible political speeches and sift through the various lies that will infiltrate this election. We bow down to the meme lords, who giveth light amongst the December darkness.