Once Gemma Collins knew she could harness the power of The GC, the "spiritual" switch between the person and the persona became a ritual (I'm not making this up; again, it's in the book). Gemma Collins has to prepare to become The GC. She takes herself somewhere quiet, lies down and zones out, "because The GC takes up a lot of space, physically and mentally".Imagine Gemma Collins in a darkened room, the hiss of an air humidifier playing put over the soft tones of a two-hour mix she found by typing the words "chilled out vibes" into YouTube. You thought you knew the real Gemma Collins, but you have no idea.I had an interview scheduled with Gemma, in the hope of getting to know the real her, but it got cancelled at the last minute. So in a bid to understand Britain's biggest diva, I bought a load of her clothes – which you can see me modelling in the photos throughout this article – spoke to people who know her and did all I could to get to grips with the GC."It's like the turtle and the slug or the horse and the rabbit, I can't remember what it was. The slowest one won in the end." – Gemma Collins, 2014
Many a heterosexual relationship can be reduced to the infamous Gemma and Arg dynamic.See, for reference, the Gemma and Arg poolside showdown. Arg tells his mates "listen" as he lowers his bottom to fart onto the surface of a shallow swimming pool. Gemma swirls over with a sexy-destructive air, like Ursula the Sea Witch swathed in Missguided. One of the mates says crudely, "You's two gettin' together or what?" Gemma begins to undo her day-glo pink wrapping paper to reveal the luxury eclair underneath, with the immortal words: "You ain't ever… gonna get… this candy." Every emotion flits across Arg's face in the space of a second – surprise, arousal, confusion, grief, irritation – as his veneers poke out under a slack jaw, like a schoolboy who's been told "sweeties only on weekends"."[sobs] It's like havin' a job, workin' 24-7" – Gemma Collins, 2014
You can read How To Be A Diva in two or three hours. I don't think VICE will get sued for me saying I can't imagine Gemma Collins wrote a word of it. She was not disturbed for thorough copy approval. I have read and absorbed more of her book than her. But what we do get very clearly from this ghostwritten tome (despite the above, I do believe this to be true) is Gemma Collins' firm idea of what makes a diva.A diva, according to Gemma Collins, is:• A strong woman who knows what she really wants in life and accepts nothing less“Fuck awf, Gillian McKeith” – Gemma Collins, 2016
• Doesn’t compromise
• Has a backbone
• Speaks her mind slash has opinions
• Knows what she likes, and the things she likes are often pink and are always fabulous
• Is assertive and will not be pushed aroundA diva has:
• An aura of fabulousnessThe book sells the idea that anyone can become a diva, via "divolution", but some people – including, of course, our Gemma – are born divas.When she was a tiny tyke she'd cry and cry relentlessly. Once, she had a tantrum and her parents had to hide in a different room. At the age of five, in the background of a family video, you can hear her mum saying, "Good girl, Gemma, good girl," like the guy who gets eaten on the loo in Jurassic Park, "hoping I don’t kick off".
"This is very expensive hair, it's fuckin' frazzled. Because you’ve only got straighteners in 'ere you 'aven't got heated rollers… straighteners are what fuckin' weirdos use on their hair. That's what you thinka me." – Gemma Collins, 2016
On a different occasion, Lauren met her at The Clothes Show, where she launched her plus size clothes line. There, she was a "down to earth, mum-like figure", just faffing around, "taking clothes to people suggesting that they'd suit them and what would look good on them".Go to Brentwood and you might get closer to her still. When I visited Gemma Collins Boutique recently, I found TOWIE Harry's mum behind the counter. "Honestly," she said, as I bought a pair of heinous pink sunglasses, "the real Gemma Collins is so sweet. It's such a shame no one gets to see the real side of her."Sweet Gemma. Real Gemma."You just gotta roll with it. Roll with it, like Oasis said." – Gemma Collins, 2014