Ranking Those Tory Sexts from Least to Most Horrid

Average human: Feel quite horny. Might have a go on Pornhub or something.

Tory MP Andrew Griffiths: Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever tried paying your constituents for nudes and then taking that as an open invite to bombard them with over 2,000 mental texts about pig fucking?

Before we get into things properly, I would just like to confirm that, fundamentally, this isn't funny. A wealthy bloke in a position of power harassing a woman to the point where she has to turn her phone on airplane mode and complain to The Mirror about it? Pathetic. Get a grip.

In accordance with The Ritual Of The Disgraced British Politician, Griffiths has been forced to resign as Minister for Small Business and issue a public apology about how "deeply ashamed" he is for managing to send thousands of texts that read like My Dad Wrote a Porno, but I'm not sure that’s enough in this case. The man – like many men before him, and many of those to come, unless we implement some sort of social driving theory-esque exam – is simply too horny and too entitled to be in public. Take away his phone and internet privileges until he learns how to interact with a woman in a vest without sweating. Send him on some sort of retreat where he has to watch Love Island until he can make it through a sentence without having a breakdown and spluttering "TITTIES!!" at the TV.

That said, the texts themselves are… well, let’s just take a look at them in order of least to most horrid.

This belongs on the less offensive end of the spectrum, because, in isolation, it is a sentiment I would say many of us can relate to. Anyone who has ever sent a 3AM "u up" text to someone they dumped, jizzed in a communal shower and left it there, or continued to watch porn long after realising that it doesn’t fulfil your usual ethical criteria because tbh you’re too far in now and you just want to get this over with – none of you can judge this message. This is the only point on which it is possible to even slightly empathise with Tory MP Andrew Griffiths. If you’ve never been so honked up that it tampers with your moral fabric, then have you ever truly been honked up? That said, if you’ve ever been so honked up that you sent thousands of furiously graphic messages to a stranger over the course of three weeks with a pregnant wife at home and a full-time job in politics then you are simply too honked up. You’re all honked out. Honked to death. Call AA to collect you from the side of the road because you have honked so hard as to explode your vehicle and now you have to be dragged off the M4 by responsible adults while everyone watches.

The only thing that prevents this from being fully erotic is the vocabulary. This is the language of solemnity and regret, whereas what you really want to be going for is something more authoritative. Honestly show me a greater sext than "THE QUEEN IS FUCKING DYING."

Again, not untrue. Again, sullied by the fact it’s coming from a place of expectant financial manipulation, when any self-respecting paypig knows that the kink lies in giving a powerful woman money to do whatever she wants with. This guy’s just an overgrown teenager who would remortgage his house for a glimpse of one tit.

"Ladies, I was in a meeting" is arguably the worst possible way to begin a sext. When I consider those words, I envisage them coming out of the mouth of a perky 40-something called Susan who just showed up late to lead a Zumba class for female empowerment. I do not think: daddy has logged on. Obviously he feels that a great deal of his sexual clout comes from his position in government, but I don't think it's a reach to assume that the number of people whose specific kink is "MP for Burton" is: none. You'd probably just lose all that material, wouldn't you, to be honest.

You’d think he’d know this, considering his job relates to the proposing and shaping of laws, but it is in fact illegal to use the word "naughty" sincerely under any circumstances whatsoever. This text should be reported to the police.

This one either sounds like Brandon Flowers' first attempt at writing lyrics for "The Man", or a line they had to cut from The Labyrinth for being too risqué. As far as rhythm and cadence goes it has potential, but unless it's delivered firmly within the context of a John Waters production it falls flat on its arse.

Good one here for anyone who has ever longed for a reworked version of Lolita in which Humbert Humbert becomes an MP.

It is Father's Day, 2017, and Andrew Griffiths is off his head. I can't claim to know what happens to the emotional makeup of any expectant dad around they time they learn of their impending change of circumstances, especially when combined with a high-stress period of political upheaval. My guess would have been an optimistic-yet-freaked-out Facebook status update: "bloody hell boys! Griffy's going to be a dad! bit scary but so proud of my wife and looking forward to our new life together x". But sure, "big tits in my face", that works too.

This is far too close to a) how I talk to my cats, and b) how I talk to myself between the hours of 3 and 5PM when I’m getting peckish at work to resemble anything that could be considered sexy.

The mixing of BDSM and HR here is a total turn-off at best and deeply unsettling at worst. Like, if someone was doing a nice bit of consensual choking to me and then quietly interjected with a question about how I'm going to disguise this at work – "turtleneck or?" – I would get up and have a bowl of cereal. In this context, though, I wonder how far into the exchange it showed up, because if bad publicity was a concern you'd think a period of reflection would have arrived somewhere around the 146th obsessive text rather than conveniently at the point at which you're worried about potential legal ramifications.

Alarmingly the most depressing thing about this one isn't the casual deployment of the word "panties", but the fact that it reads like a pull quote in support of a news item about how "9/10 MPs doesn't know the price of a pint of milk". Even if daddy Griffiths was doing it for me at this point I can't think of a single thing that would dry me up more efficiently than the phrase "why don't you suggest a budget".

Absolutely not. No.

Same as above, but made approximately 1,000 percent worse by the fact it was sent 25 minutes after he voted against Brexit.

This sext is so Tory it is a member of the Eton College alumni. It is the single most Tory sext in the history of Tories sexting. This is the ultimate champion, the boss-level Tory sext. After you have defeated the twins, Michael Fabricant and Boris Johnson, and then David Cameron with his dick in a dead hog's head, you must fight this: The So Insanely Tory I Genuinely Cannot Believe It's Real Andrew Griffiths Piggy Sext.

Ah yes, the words every hopeful woman wants to hear. "I was looking at Prince William's face but thinking about your pussy."

I'm never having sex again. Goodbye.

@emmaggarland

UPDATE 17/07/18: An earlier version of this piece stated that Griffiths resigned from his MP role, when in fact he resigned as Minister for Small Business.