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People Told Us About the Worst Dirty Talk They've Ever Heard

Turns out calling someone's dick a "baked potato" is a boner killer.

by Richard Greenhill
05 July 2018, 2:01pm

American Pie screencap via Universal Pictures 

There’s an urban legend about an erudite, well-mannered man that does the rounds on various internet forums. He’s the kind of man that you’d love to take home to meet your parents; the kind of man that you’d love to corrupt in bed. The story goes as follows: he’s dating a nice girl, she’s more sexually experienced than him and much more kinky. She floats the suggestion of a bit of dirty talk and tells him that—in the heat of the moment—she has a masochistic streak and likes to be demeaned, verbally. He’s not completely sure he’s equipped with the erotic capabilities to satisfy the request, but doesn’t dismiss it entirely. A few days later, they’re at it in doggy and she tells him to talk dirty. His mind reaches out to its most devilish corners and he comes up with…

“You like that, you fucking retard?”

When dirty talk is good, it can elevate sex beyond simple carnal joy. It’s like the point just after you come up from a potent batch of molly and realise that your mind is in ecstatic synergy with everything around you; the peak of the wave that crescendos into untold ethereal delight as you ride explosive orgasm after orgasm. But when you’re called a ‘fucking retard’, well, it’s a boner killer at best, almost guaranteed to bring on a lengthy drought between the legs. And at worst? It’s offensive as fuck, unless you happen to be with someone who gets off on pejorative slurs.

Of course, we can’t really fault the man who blurted out this unintended abomination. I have no doubt that he was trying his best to please his lover, as is anyone who’s ever come out with something similarly cringey. I’d wager that bad dirty talk is related to a lack of experience, especially in talking dirty with a new sexual partner. Thankfully, this means that—with a bit of time and attention—anyone can develop an intoxicatingly erotic tongue. It also means that casual hookups and long-abandoned relationships are ripe for stories of dirty talk gone awry.

To celebrate the bad dirty talk of yesterday, we asked people about the worst dirty talk they ever heard. Here’s to a future of hot moaning, groaning, and choice words that keep all of us boning.

The Dog-father

I was in a GGG BDSM relationship. He asked me to bark like a dog, totally fine. He also asked me to call him daddy, also fine. But then the mix of daddy and dog in the same scene totally killed the mood for me and I still think it's basically hilarious. Having a daddy, sure. Being a dog, yes. Having a new father-dog figure in my life, who asks me how my grades are doing at pup-school and what I want to do with my life when I grow up other than just chasing balls in the park….not the super hot BDSM scenario that I was hoping for. —Ariel

Biology 101

A man once whispered to me “Let’s make babies.” First, ‘making babies’ isn’t very sexy. Second, I’m also a man. — Greg, 30

Moby Dick

Hooked up with someone from Tinder, let’s say he was well-endowed. We’re fucking and he starts to growl “You like the feel of Moby inside you?” Turns out that he’s nicknamed his dick after a literary whale—no problems there, but also kinda weird to not tell me earlier. What really got me though, is from that point on all I could imagine was the musician Moby and his big shiny head sliding in and out of me. Too much, too funny. — Rosa, 29

Schadenfreude

I used to date a German girl and asked her to talk dirty in German while we fucked. After we broke up, she revealed that she wasn't actually saying anything sexy, but rather things like "I have to pick up my washing" or "I stepped in dog shit while barefoot.” —Aaron

‘Shark Attack 3’

I was 21, sexually inexperienced and still felt like a virgin. I’d met a guy online, we were both into Charlie Kaufman’s films and he seemed pretty cool. The first time we met up was at his friend’s house party. After an evening of chatting to him and his friends—and with no prior romantic or sexual advances—he put his tiny hand on my thigh and asked, out of the blue, "You wanna have your pussy licked?" Surprisingly enough, I didn’t. — Antonina, 27

The Extra Terrestrial

Me and a guy were mid-shag when he asked if I was “active.” I questioned whether he meant sexually active because there I was, already on top of him. He then said, gesturing to his fixie bike, “Do you ride?” I confirmed that I currently owned a bike. He replied with “Well I could put you in my basket and you could be my ET.” before continuing to caress and thrust into me. I have never looked at ET in the same way again. — Svetlana, 24

Baked Potato, Anyone?

When I was younger, a group of us spent an evening trying to set a mate up with a mutual friend. It ended with him getting wanked off on my parents' sofa under a zebra-striped blanket while everybody else slept upstairs. The next morning we all inquired what had happened overnight. He was being extremely sheepish about the whole thing, eventually venturing that she had said something strange to him during the act. It turned out that, without breaking stride, she had leaned in and said, "I really fancy a baked potato." This had obviously quite upset him and cast doubt on his 17-year-old sexual potency.

Personal Trainer

I was sleeping with someone who would tell me "Yeah that's great, you're doing great, keep it up" like she was my high school gym coach or something.

The Chimney Sweep

My ex is a big burly metalhead. One night we were having regular missionary sex. Out of nowhere, he put on a high pitched cockney accent and said “Can I sweep your chimney, sir?" We’re both from near London (but in no way cockney) and I’m a woman. We had to give up on the sex and neither of us got off, not that I ever got off with him anyway. — Grace, 20

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This article originally appeared on VICE CA.