I never feel patriotic when I am supposed to. The royal family make me want to vomit, St George's day is fucking embarrassing, and the only reasons I ever like watching the Olympics are: 1) because of how much all the female gymnasts love and support each other; and 2) because some of the divers have nice arses. But that is not to say I never feel a weird little pang of affection for the UK at other times. Only Brits, after all, could repurpose "Seven Nation Army" first as a football chant and now as a football chant about a political leader who is colloquially known as The Absolute Boy. The video of the lad walking an emu outside a pub made me positively proud to be British. Basically, the only thing I truly love about this rank little island is its enormous capacity for banter.
So obviously, upon learning that a local radio station in Mansfield keeps getting hacked so that it plays something called "The Winker's Song," by Ivor Biggun (otherwise known as 70s TV personality Doc Cox) – which includes the word '"wanker" 36 whole times – my patriotism level rose to "Your Amazon order of UNION JACK BIKINI has been confirmed!" levels. I am quite sure that I have never been happier. Here is "The Winker's Song," if you are not familiar:
Eternal damnation can't be far away, can it?
The Guardian reports that the song has been played via Mansfield 103.2 at least eight times in the past month, which is twice a week, which in turn is neither too much nor too little, a perfect smattering of banter for the people of Mansfield to enjoy. Except unfortunately a lot of them have got kids so are probably not massively relishing having to explain what a "wanker" is to them. Station controller Tony Delahunty told The Guardian that "Some people have told me that their children have started humming the song in the car" which is, whichever way you look at it, hilarious. And thus people have complained. UK broadcasting regulator Ofcom have said they're taking it "extremely seriously," which is what Ofcom say about everything, so hopefully this just means that Ofcom loves banter as well, and will let whoever is playing the song continue in peace.
What I want to talk about, however, is the choice of "The Winker's Song" in particular. This is a full-on abomination isn't it? Johnny Rotten, it turns out, chose this song as a "definite buy" when he guest-edited a 1978 edition of NME. And, because I've fallen down a YouTube wormhole and cannot be here alone, here's some more of the fine musical output from Ivor Biggun AKA Doc Cox. He apparently was a journalist (??) and on on TV show That's Life in the 80s and 90s (ask your mum or only British person you can find over the age of about 40). Most importantly for our purposes, he appears to have made a decades-long career out of songs about shagging and shitting:
This is "Anybody Seen My Cock" which is ostensibly about animals but is obviously also very much not. The word "pussy" happens less than seven seconds into this song.
Here we have a song about pubic hair that if I am honest I had to turn off within 30 seconds. Have I, in Doc Cox, finally found the person who will banter me off forever?
"You can't have a shag with a snowman because his knob is made of snow." So tru.
I don't know, man. I would say I hope that the radio hijacker branches out into the rest of Doc Cox's oeuvre but honestly (with the exception of the snowman one, which would be a nice change at Christmas) it's almost too gross, mostly just because the guy sings like he's being physically squeezed. Anyway, feel like I need to have a shower now. Long live the Mansfield radio hacker.
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(Image via Pixabay)