Summer of Love: Your Guide to the Tory In-Fighting

The Conservative Party used to be famous for settling their in-fighting swiftly and brutally. The Tory desire to stay in power usually trumps any ideological or personal differences, and the Tory ability to stick a sharp knife into a wobbly back usually ensures that the party keeps moving forward like a shark.

This summer, something different seems to be happening. In the wake of a disastrous election result that means Theresa May's days as leader are numbered, furious, entitled and embittered Tories are pushing their own agendas, while briefing viciously against their rivals. Having been taken by surprise by Jeremy Corbyn and Labour, the Conservative Party seems to be unable to work out how it will be able to hold onto power in the long run.

Justice Secretary David Lidington may want us to believe that it is simply a case of "too much sun and too much Prosecco" leading to a slew of "gossipy" stories appearing in the press, but the fighting seems to go a long way beyond a bunch of ministers hopped up on free booze, running their mouths off at a series of Tatler-covered garden parties.

Leaking to the press has got so bad that, at a cabinet meeting on Tuesday, Theresa May even had to remind ministers of the importance of keeping their discussions private.

So here – in case you haven't been able to keep up with what the Under-Secretary of Fox Hunting said to the Minister of Preserving Tax Havens – is a guide to some of the biggest spats currently underway in this, the silly season of Tory in-fighting.

Who leaked / said what about who? Two Brexiteers who love a bit of bluster and have long wanted to get their hands on the top job, Davis and Johnson are the most high profile candidates to succeed Theresa May, which means they are frantically briefing against each other.

The Sunday Times tells us that at a summer party thrown by the Spectator, the two men, aged 53 (Johnson) and 68 (Davis), were making like your drunk teenage brother at a house party, with Davis flirting and hugging Boris' sister – the journalist, Rachel – who defected to the Lib Dems over Brexit. Davis kept calling his rival a "failure", adding that BoJo was "too toxic" even for his own sister.

The playground tactics didn't let up, with Davis reportedly boasting that while Boris had spent a whole year trying to persuade his sister to return to the Tories with no result, he'd managed it after just one drink. (Rachel Johnson has, in fact, not returned to the Tories).

Meanwhile, The Sun tells us that an "ally" of David Davis is spreading rumours that Boris Johnson slept with one of Theresa May's aides, while pals of BoJo say this is "yesterday's man" (Davis) spreading "yesterday's smears" (yesterday's smears: that Boris is a big, philandering shagger).

And, in case that wasn't enough, a former advisor to Michael Gove – who is now apparently a friend of Boris once more – called Davis "thick as mince, lazy as a toad and vain as Narcissus".

What happened? At the Spectator summer party, a senior figure from the Johnson camp threatened to kick a senior figure from the Davis camp in the balls. In a devastating comeback, the Davis ally told Boris' guy that – actually, pal – I'll be the one kicking you in the balls.

What does this tell us about the Tories right now? That Tory men just can't help themselves when it comes to getting pissed and using women as proxies in their silly power struggles.

Who leaked / said what about who? Most of the cabinet, particularly the Brexiteers, are said to be mad at chief mansplainer Hammond for his "tin eared" approach to the election result. The Sunday Times' Tim Shipman reports that the chancellor has called public sector workers "overpaid". Apparently, he's particularly aghast at train drivers, who he says are "ludicrously overpaid". Hammond then implied that automation would mean that overpaid male drivers could be replaced by – wait for this – WOMEN, who would be paid less. And he said it all in cabinet. Strike One for the Meninists!

What happened? Amber Rudd was one of many Conservative women to be offended by what Hammond said. The man himself has implied that hardcore Brexiteers are not happy with his approach to Brexit, which he believes is focused on jobs and the economy, but sounds suspiciously like a continuation of austerity.

What does this tell us about the Tories right now? Increasing numbers of Tories believe that if Hammond sticks to austerity, they will not be able to quell Jeremy Corbyn's momentum and Labour will win the next election.

Who leaked/said what about who? A senior Tory MP called Boris Johnson and Michael Gove "deranged and dangerous" in their "push for a Hard Brexit", according to HuffPost UK.

The MP added that, "Boris and Michael Gove have behaved so appallingly in recent days that they should disqualify themselves from high office. They should go back to being the juvenile scribblers they were before they entered politics".

What happened? Apparently Boris and Gove have been plotting against Philip Hammond, which is what makes them "deranged and dangerous". Everyone denies everything.

What does this tell us about the Tories right now? That they are drunk on plotting. And booze.

What happened? Comedy Lord of the Manor / probably quite dangerous hard right-winger Jacob Rees-Mogg has joined Twitter and Instagram. As is befitting of his man of the people image – the "people" being 19th century clergymen – his first tweet was in Latin and, loosely translated, read, "Times change and we change with them."

He already has more than double Theresa May's followers on Instagram. "Moggmentum" is becoming an actual thing, with Guido Fawkes reporting that "many younger and grassroots Tories" want JR-M to run for leader.

What does this tell us about the Tories right now? That the Tories are so freaked out and befuddled by the rise of Jeremy Corbyn that they might consider appointing a feudal lord / walking meme as their leader.

Elsewhere, everyone – including David Cameron and George Osborne – is gunning for Theresa May, who seems to have been turned into some kind of puppet queen. With plenty more summer left and plenty more bubbles to be drunk, the Tories have plenty more fighting to get through.

@oscarrickettnow