"The crowd was deathly silent, broken only by the occasional 'oh my god.'"
Foto via Flickr-brugerenJon Large
Your wedding day will probably be one of the more stressful days of your life. First of all you'll spend £50K on food and clothes before jamming conflicting members of your families together in the same room. Then you'll feed everyone booze and let friends give their versions of "funny speeches" to your aforementioned angry family. And the speeches can't be just funny. They have to be sentimental, and last just the right amount of time so the crowd doesn't wander off to the bar. And naturally with all these variables, there are bound to be fuck-ups.
We wanted to hear about speeches that bombed, so we turned to wedding DJs. They're the people best poised to watch from the shadows while speeches go wrong, and then maybe play a song to ease the fallout. So here they are: four DJs from around Melbourne and Perth tell us about some of the painful things they've witnessed.
Kerry from DJ Wedding Specialists
I was at a wedding once when the best man started stripping off all his clothes, which would have been fine, except he was wearing the bride's underwear underneath. Bra, panties, the whole lot. The groom had helped organise this little stunt, and I guess it was supposed to be funny, but the bride was absolutely fuming. She stormed out while everyone else looked around in shock. People were sort of laughing but it was so awkward. I jumped in to play a top 40 medley to calm everyone down. She came back eventually, so I guess the night wasn't completely ruined.
Kerry's second story
The best man was really anxious about his speech and took 15 second pauses between each and every word. His speech dragged on for about 50 minutes I reckon, and people in the crowd started talking and heading off to the bar. You have to give it to him though, he kept going. The bride and groom were trying to be nice about it by sitting there listening, but you could tell by their faces they'd had enough.
Aaron from That DJ Australia
The maid of honour got up there and started telling everyone about the time the bride almost got married in Vegas to a guy she didn't know. No one laughed and there was a lot of hushed whispering in the room. There were more speeches to come after that, but then I picked one to ease the tension: "Kung Fu Fighting." No can be angry when they're listening to that.
For a related video, check out this Weed Wedding from Daily VICE:
Dylan from Majestic Wedding DJs
The bride was Italian so needless to say it was a very big, formal event. The best man starting talking about the groom's car, and how he used to bang heaps of women in it. I honestly thought he'd never stop, name after name, he just kept going. Him and the other best men were having a good little giggle, but the bride looked really pissed off. The crowd was deathly silent, broken only by the occasional oh my god. Eventually the dad kicked him off the stage because he couldn't take a hint.
Dylan's second story
Apparently before the wedding the bride had lost about 30 kilograms, so of course the father of the groom thought he'd make one or 10 fat jokes. There were literal gasps from the audience and I don't know if he panicked or what, because he didn't stop. I was MCing the wedding as well, so I had to get up there and cut him off because it was a complete disaster. I just made a bit of fun of him and everyone had a bit of a laugh, so thankfully that thawed out the icy situation he'd just created.
And a third from Dylan
Something I see a lot is where the bridesmaids only tell jokes and stories that only the bride understands. It's horrible. No one knows what's going on, and everyone just looks bored and confused. I see it so much and it's weird they don't understand it's not something that anyone except them and the bride finds funny. Most of the time there are more speeches or formalities before I can play a tune, but my go-to after one of those is definitely "Most Beautiful Girl" by Flight of the Conchords. It's a banger and always it lifts the mood after a shit speech.
Simon from Heart Beatz
This wedding was a very traditional one and the bride and groom looked like a real life Ken and Barbie. The father of the bride got up to speak and all was going well until he started saying how women are property of their husbands. He also casually threw in some stuff about the economic supply and demand principles of sex in a marriage. I think he was trying to be funny, but the bride wasn't laughing. She was in complete shock and no one was laughing, just kind of staring straight ahead, waiting for it to end. Maybe he forgot he was at a wedding?
Stories compiled by Maggie Coggan. Follow her on Twitter