YOU ARE AT THE BAR

This is good to know, because the wholesome tinsel-and-a-novelty-jumper one who organises your Christmas party has a violently, fundamentally different idea than you do regarding the idea of a "free bar", because in their mind everyone is here to have festive fun – and they need, what, one or two drinks each? Three at a push? – whereas in your head you’ve already cancelled whatever plans might come up tomorrow and a bit of the day after that, and the bar best pray the big bottles of vodka are screwed upside-down to the wall securely because you’re going to sup at one like a big drunk hamster. Go to the bar, ask what time the tab runs out – "8PM, or whenever the money is spent" – and immediately order three beers, three shots and whatever everyone else wants, it doesn’t matter. They are not relevant to you unless they too are drunk. Your mantra until you fall over or vomit in a cab is: your company hasn’t raised your pay this year. You need to extract an equivalent amount from them in the form of alcohol.