You don't need to to write anything in this intro. You know the alleged story that is being circulated by Lord Ashcroft. Pig, Cameron, peen, mouth. Those are the allegations.
You've also had forty people in your timeline creaming about how this day was foreseen by Charlie Brooker's dystopian TV series Black Mirror, which imagined the PM performing a sexual act on a pig on live TV. But Brooker isn't the only one to have foreshadowed these supposed turn of events. Back in April "your ex-girlfriend's favourite band" Los Campesinos! launched a line of t-shirts that featured David Cameron locking lips with a pig, pressed mouth to mouth in slavering unity. Reading "Never Kiss A Tory", the shirt - which refers to lyrics from their song The Sea Is A Good Place to Think of the Future and designed by band member Rob Taylor - was originally printed to raise money for the Trussell Trust, Refugee Council and Child Poverty Action Group. After collecting £6k for the charities, the band are now considering a reprint of the shirt with alterations that reflect the current alleged state of affairs.
Naturally, we decided to get in touch with Rob and ask him what it feels like to have prophesied #piggate, quite possibly the greatest allegation in British history.
— Scott Nelson (@TheMockneyRebel) September 21, 2015
Noisey: Hi Rob. So, tell me, why design a t-shirt featuring David Cameron snogging a pig in the first place?
Rob: The original idea was cooked-up by Gareth, the lead singer. In April, with the general election approaching, he suggested I make an image to accompany the slogan 'Never Kiss a Tory', which happened to be an approximation of a popular line from one of our songs. We wanted to make a t-shirt that we could sell to make a little money for charities that support vulnerable sections of society that had been affected disproportionately by the coalition's aggressive austerity cuts, namely The Trussell Trust, Refugee Council and Child Action Poverty Group. We also wanted to be a little provocative and, in particular, perhaps challenge/mobilise some of our younger fans who would have been first-time voters. We also thought it was pretty funny.
Ironically, my original idea of Cameron french-kissing the rotting, dismembered head of Thatcher was deemed a little too crass. So we settled on something that seemed a little more symbolic. Sure, it was still gross, but so absurdist that it couldn't really be all that offensive. Because it's not like Cameron's ever actually really going to engage in a romantic act with a dead pig's head, right?
What's the best response you've had so far once people started putting two and two together?
So far it's mostly been RTs and Favs. Someone asked me to pick their lottery numbers. All I could suggest was writing "pig fucker" on the ticket. I'm something of a one-trick pony.
How surprised are you by these supposed turn of events?
It's fair to say that I'm a little surprised. But then this was the government that wanted to privatise the forests. So...
Some blogs are saying you predicted #piggate. What do you reckon?
Am I clairvoyant? Almost certainly. Could I have prevented it? Probably. Why didn't I? I'm but an observer, it would've been unethical to intervene.
Do you think the general public wanted tories screwing pigs to be true so hard that we actually wished it into existence?
Possibly, but my theory is that this is Cameron's opening exchange with Jeremy Corbyn in the new authenticity war. Corbyn wears an ill-fitting suit and asks questions provided by the public. But then Cameron responds with something even REALER. How can Corbyn possibly up the ante now? Perhaps he could reveal his secret other family of horrifying horse/human hybrids sired in the victorian sewers of Islington. I don't know, I'm not a spin doctor.
Do you think you will do an updated version that more accurately represents the current rumoured state of affairs?
We're seriously considering reprinting it, although we did actually have a bizarre discussion this morning as to whether the original design could now, given events, constitute libel in some way. I'm probably too lazy to draw another image, but we might have to change the slogan to something like "Interspecies relationships are inadvisable, regardless of whether the animal is dead or alive".
How would you summarise #piggate in a sentence?
A glorious carnival of poor taste.
Apparently the book also claims Cameron was part of a "dope smoking group" where he and two friends would get high and listen to Supertramp. Any thoughts on that?
It kind of makes me sad when I think of the young David Cameron, there in his Sebastian Flyte cricket whites, a special kind of innocent, walking unclothed through a hostile world. I really love "The Logical Song" by Supertramp. I'm listening to it right now actually and I've never really paid attention to the lyrics properly until now. It really resonates with this story; it's about a young person being forced by society to abandon the wonder of youth and conform, to become 'clinical, intellectual, cynical'. I like to imagine that somewhere right now, DC is mouthing along to the chorus, fists clenched, earbuds in. "Please tell me who I am, who I am". Tell us who you are.
Anything else you'd like to add?
Just a little... APPLE SAUCE. Right? Am I right? I think so.
Apple sauce traditionally goes well with pork.
And he stuck his johnson in a pig.
Zing. Thanks Rob!
For all those wondering, here is one potential redesign in light of recent alleged events:
— R Taylor (@sparkydeathcap) September 20, 2015
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