"Kanye West? Who? The Breh That Wears a Skirt?": It's the Kurupt FM Review of 2015

While you’re all having fiery debates down the pub about whether or not you’ve betrayed yourself by buying the new Justin Bieber record, there is one man in the UK who couldn’t give a shit about whether “Sorry” has a dembow riddim. That man is pirate radio legend MC Grindah, star of BBC Three mockumentary People Just Do Nothing, leader of garage collective Kurupt FM, and the self-titled best MC in the galaxy.

MC Grindah doesn’t pay attention to the trends of the year. He knows what he likes and he likes what he knows. He knows MCing, he knows UK garage, he knows Brentford. For those reasons, we thought he would be a great person to give us a no-shit review of what went down in 2015; the topics that fuelled our newsfeeds all year long. What was Banksy’s ‘Dismaland’ all about? What’s the secret to Craig David’s renaissance? Should we care about the $2million Wu Tang album? Was Kanye’s Brits performance genius? What’s popping in Brentford these days? And, yeah, should you like Bieber now? This is MC Grindah’s postmortem of the year that was two zero one five.

Anyone who does house music. Never rate that. So, bun that. House in general, man ain’t even saying names. You know who you are. You know what you’ve done wrong. Stop now, because you will get crushed by Kurupt FM.

My boy Craig. He’s a good boy. Single handedly brought him back didn’t I? You’re welcome. The secret to his return? Kurupt FM to be honest. Really and truly. Man ain’t fucking about out here. Man is bringing garage back. I called Craig, and I said, “Craig, put the dumbbells down and get the fuck out of Miami. Come back to London and do garage.” And he was inspired by that, you know? Done.

What, painter? Or real artist? Hmm, probably Kurupt FM. Because, every year we come with new shit. So, technically, I am my own new artist. However, hold tight. My mate, this breh, this young kid I picked up – I met him at Creamfields – he’s called Mike. He’s doing big things now. I gave him a little push. I brought him onto national radio. Since then, he’s blown up. It’s just that midas touch, you know? Man touched him and he turned to gold. So yeah, big up Mikey man. His artist name is Stormzy. You might have heard of him.

Fucking hell, mate. Do I look like a breh with a tiny little acorn haircut, and an Obey vest and ripped womens jeans? Do I look like a breh that wears Hype snapbacks balanced on my head with a floral pattern on it? No I don’t. So, I do not like that phrase. And that phrase goes hand-in-hand with my sole enemy: house music and house ravers. So no, it’s a disgusting phrase, delete it now.

Stop now, because you will get crushed by man. I will put you in my lyrical grindah and crush you up. That don’t mean I’m going to clash no one, because no one is on my level. It’s just a friendly warning. You have been warned! Can you put gunshot emojis in here when you write it up, yeah? But say, like “lyrically”… Cos I’m not going to kill anyone.

Don’t be lazy, walk. You look like a freak. Just walk. And if not, get your mates to give you a lift. Like me, I’ve got Decoy, so if I ever need a lift, I just jump in his car. I was in Nandos the other day and matey was on one of them hoverboards, from the counter to go and get his sauce. You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to fly kick him off it. But I didn’t obviously, because I don’t want to get nicked and that.

Who? Who’s that? I literally don’t know who these brehs are. The breh that wears a skirt?

Did I go to Glastonbury? I didn’t go to Glastonbury. I tore down Glastonbury. Picture this: 2013, Shangri La area, Hell Stage, the setting is two in the morning. 20 minute set, Kurupt FM come out and shut it down in front of thousands of millions of people. We killed it. It was live. I don’t know about this year though, took a little break, because we, err, well they didn’t really ask us back. But I wasn’t bothered.

A show called People Just Do Nothing. It’s a beautiful little program set in Brentford, following the life of one of the most skilled lyricists the world has ever seen, and the best pirate radio station, Kurupt FM. Do you get it? Cos that’s me. Yeah, just our program to be honest, because I don’t really watch any of the bollocks that’s on telly. But when I’m on it, oh, I love it. I love watching myself. I record it, and watch it ten times a day.

She’s alright yeah. I ain’t really into her stuff, because obviously she’s like a fifteen year old girl, so it’s a bit dodgy for man to be into that. But anyway, my man Craig David comes through on this radio thing we done for 1Xtra. Here’s man thinking he’ll just come with the garage classics and that, but man went next and come with this new tune. I went nuts. He did it over that chick Justin Bieber’s instrumental. Now I wasn’t that into it, but now Craig’s on it, boom, I love it.

Oh, what’s that Sadland, yeah? Miseryland? Nah. I’m not really into that bollocks. Oh “it's street art” and that. I’m straight up graff. Proper art. Scrawling your name everywhere so people know you. That’s the real shit.

Pfft, let me think. Well, do you know what? Probably any song. Because any song with man on it would be better. Maybe if we put another Grindah verse on a Grindah song, that would make it better. I only listen to my music anyway. Man’s humble like that. I keep myself grounded.

One of the maddest moments was Wireless Festival. Steve, our DJ, he had never used CDJs before that, and they didn’t have any Techniks. And Beats had broken his leg on a moped accident, so man like Beats couldn’t turn up. So it was me on my own on the mic, with Decoy doing the ad-libs, and man like Steve, first time on the CDJs, on fifteen hexagon Es and seven lines of speed, and he smashed it and I smashed it as well.

I know about Bugzy and Chip, yeah. Listen, I’ve had beefs. Big time. Pirate radio is all about that sort of shit. One time, we had a beef with this guy called Funky on Lively FM, but it turned out he had no idea who any of us were and I was just being paranoid, but if anyone did come to our pirate radio patch in Brentford then there would be beef, but for some reason nobody else does pirate radio in Brentford.

I wouldn’t have bought it if I had the money. I would have spent it on a couple of new Avirex's.

Probably “A Dis One” by Kurupt FM or “Get Out The Way” by Kurupt FM. You always hear them on the bus. When I’m on the bus. Playing them off my phone.

My new year’s resolution? More like my new year’s revolution… It’s to make Kurupt FM go global, and get bigger than, better than, badder than, madder than, rougher than, tougher than, yeah? We’re coming with a new track for 2k16. It’s called “Something Like That”. That’s going to be shutting down raves. Eventually, you might have heard, but I’m thinking of doing a screenplay about my life, where I play myself in the past, present and future, which means I get paid three times as much. Probably coming out around, well, 2020. Nice round year, sounds good doesn’t it? MC Grindah: The Film.

You can find Joe Zadeh on Twitter: @Joe_Zadeh

Kurupt FM will play Bugged Out Weekender 2016. Click here for tickets and information.