These days, Kanye West constantly looks like he’s coming up on a ten pound pinger. He seems to have this permanent fixed grin and quietly giddy speaking tone, like a small child being interviewed in Hamley’s about what toys they want for Christmas, mere seconds away from hiding his face in his mother’s coat. The expression still belies his maniacal exuberance, however, something which comes across quite well in the new video for "Bound 2". The track is probably the most accessible, acceptable and Kanye-like on his most recent and polarising record Yeezus. There’s no squelchy Reznor synths, no references to violent lynchings and popping mollys, just a straight up rap love song, with a crying-granddad feature on vocals from soul singer Charlie Wilson.
So what could the visuals possibly be like for this rough cuddle of a song? It’s not what you’d expect, readers. In fact, I’d go as far as saying it’s one of the most bizarrely shite music videos of this year, and I judged the Lowestoft Sixth Form BTEC media studies final projects last week. Here’s a little look at why.
First of all, the video is being premiered on the fucking Ellen DeGeneres show. I feel like this is a slightly boss move, as the Ellen show is as gentile as your Nan reading the Radio Times with a magnifying glass, so Kanye must have some diabolical shit up his sleeve. He's probably about to premiere his 18-minute blaxploitation Chris Christie biopic right on daytime TV?
When this segment first started I thought it was part of the Ellen promo. Nice, calming mountain ranges, sweet fields of green and a special appearance by that most American of avian creatures, the Eagle. It brought a tear to my eye. We've got to keep those sick bastards in Guantanamo to preserve this beautiful land! But no, it was the first part of a very nature-themed video.
As Wilson’s vocal presses into your chest like early-onset cardiovascular failure, four perfect white horses gallop through a clear blue stream, foaming the water as their hooves crash through, disturbing the peaceful landscape with their untamed majesty. Astounding. Graceful.
Cool so, more horses. This aerial shot looks more like an advert for a Ranch-based weekend getaway. ‘You can ride the horses, feed the horses, take a hot bath, bathe the horses, sleep with the horses. Bill’s Equine Adventure Park is perfect if you love horses as much as we do (which is a darn lot!)’. Horses are nice though, I mean we all like horses right? Not to eat though! Remember when we all ate horse meat cuz we were lied to?
Hold on a second. Kanye isn’t riding that bike is he? What the fuck? Can Kanye not ride a dirt bike now? This is a man who has his own fashion line, the guy even wears leather skinny jeans, and you’re telling me he can’t ride a shambolic two wheeled death trap up the side of a snowy mountainside with absolutely no protective gear whatsoever? This is fucking bullshit.
Why is there a waxwork of Kim Kardashian laying on top of this static bike, would someone mind explaining that to me? Her exposed mammaries are not even moving at all, and we’re expected to believe she’s careering down a highway on her back? I don’t know what Kanye West thinks he’s playing at here but I’ll tell you for free it’s starting to get on my nerves.
Now Kanye is rapping in front of what looks like an unfinished Bob Ross painting that his grief-stricken wife dumped in the sea after he chilled-out into the afterlife. That, or a set of curtains in a regional Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Here’s Kim advertising conditioner/ tampons in the Netherlands.
Kanye seems to be dressed as some kind of lumberjack/ frontiersman here, which is weird for a guy who hates white people. C’mon, Yeezy, you can’t defame the devilry of the pale populous whilst wearing a red check shirt and a god damned wolf pelt waistcoat. Pick a side, brah.
Kim is just straight-up not wearing anything on this bike, and she’s actually sitting facing Kanye in front of him, so fuck knows how he’s supposed to see where he’s going. They’re surrounded by trees too, ensuring that Kim will become the Gloria Jones to Kanye’s crumpled Marc Bolan.
Now they’re banging on this bike, as implied by all the juddering movement. This’d be fine if they alluded to the bike juddering in the first place, but it looks like they’ve suddenly decided to make it look realistic so they can simulate the image of Kanye jebbing Kim AKA Real Doll 5000 Armenian Fembot Edition.
Here we see Kim’s head about to explode. The sheer terrible direction, effects, shots, set pieces, ideas and execution behind the "Bound 2" video have caused Kim’s brain to swell up, like expanding foam filler around an old pipe. Cracks start to appear in her skull, and Kanye looks on helplessly, as her grey matter spills out onto her face and the top of her head pops off like a champagne cork. ‘Welp, with that video, it was Bound 2 happen!’ says West, as he’s dragged off set by the neck via a comically long walking stick.
Seriously though, what a load of shit.
Follow Joe on Twitter: @Joe_Bish
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