A First Date With... Charlie Sloth

All photos by William Coutts

Charlie Sloth needs no introduction. Not because he’s so famous that everyone knows who he is, but because before he enters any room he hollers his own rave reviews. “Yo yo, it’s the people’s prince, the best looking fat guy in the universe, just ask your mum,” he begins almost every one of his weekday 1Xtra shows. As well as that coveted drivetime slot, he’s taken over the station’s flagship hip-hop show from Westwood. You can get a sense of his career achievements and attitude to humility from this video.

We took him on a date to see if he lived up to his own hype.

Noisey: Hey Charlie, how are you?

Charlie: I’m good thanks, are you well?

Yeah, I’m good, all the better for seeing you. What are you up to at the moment? Are you seeing anyone?

I’ve got about 11 girlfriends.

Do you they know about this? About me?

No, so when this goes out I’m in trouble. Haha.

But when this goes out, there won’t be anyone else; it’ll just be us, right?

Not really, I’m a good boy; I’ve got a good heart. I haven’t got any other girlfriends. I’m just being boisterous.

I like boisterous. What do you look for in a girl?

Good personality…

Tick.

Haha. Someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously; hate that.

So on your website it says that you’re the best looking fat guy in the universe…

Obviously.

And that I should ask my mum. But you know that things would have to end with my mum, if you and I were to get serious?

Did you ask your mum about me?

Yeah.

What did she say?

I don’t really wanna talk about it.

She knows innit.

Yeah, but I wouldn’t wanna share, that would just be quite weird.

Yeah if we were gonna do a ting, I’d probably have to drop your mum and be like ‘’sorry babe, it’s not gonna work; your daughter is younger, she’s got more mileage.’’

But you’d let her down gently though, right?

Definitely, I’m a very considerate person; I’ve got a very good heart.

So you said. Have you had a lot of women in your life?

Hahaha, that’s an awkward question.

It’s ok; it’s just you and me here.

I’ve done alright.

I bet you have.

Obviously, being the best-looking fat guy in the universe. As charismatic, as charming, as successful, as rich as I am, it’s quite easy.

What about bad girls?

Yeah, I seem to attract a lot of bad girls. I dunno why, maybe it’s because I’m such a good guy. It’s the whole ying yang thing.

You have a lot of fans and a big crew, I just feel like there’s no room for me in your life.

Hahaha. I think that’s the biggest problem I have in my life at the minute; not having enough time for the people I care about.

Like your boo.

Literally, I was talking about this with my manager on the weekend. I do six radio shows a week, I gig at least five times a week, and I’m starting to film new TV stuff. I just don’t have any free time to have a social life.

It’s good that you’re committed.

I am, I’m living the dream.

Commitment is very important to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s either 100 per cent or nothing.

So where do you think we’d go on our second date?

That depends if we go on another date.

Do you not think we will? Are you just a ‘’one date and I’m done’’ kinda guy? Or do you like to mull things over?

I take notes, I assess the situation; I’ve got like a massive checklist. When I leave, I’ll check all the boxes and see, there’s like 32 boxes.

What are your categories?

I can’t discuss that ‘cos you might start playing up to it. You might trick me and I’ll end up ticking all the boxes when I leave and then we’ll form a relationship that’s built on a lie. If the foundations ain’t solid, it’s gonna crumble. Then we’ll get to six months and things will be boring, and then it’ll be awkward if you start telling me all the dirty things you think about and I tell you mine, and they’re not compatible. The building will fall down and we might both get buried in the rubble. That’s gonna be awkward.

What about if we’ve been going out for 3 months and you’re completely in love with me, bordering on obsession, but I keep flirting with your pal Tim Westwood.

Hahahaha.

And then I say, ‘’hey, Charlie, what about a threesome?’’

Now we’re talking. I’d be like hi-five. You’ve just earned yourself another 3 months.

Another tick.

Yeah.

Have you already had one with him?

No comment.

Does he have a big willy?

Hahahaha. You’re quite funny.

Do you think the people would accept me as their princess? Your princess?

There’s quite a lot of females that are obsessed with me; they’ve got like tattoos on their private parts. They follow me around at my shows and I think they might be quite angry with you and I wouldn’t want that to happen to you ‘cos you seem like such a lovely person. But, yeah, they’d be all up in your business.

I don’t think I want them anywhere near my business. I’m not a very aggressive person.

That’s like me. I hate violence; I’m more of a lover.

I bet.

I couldn’t really protect you; I’ve got a security guard though. He’s a fighter, that’s why I’ve got him, because I’m not a fighter.

That’s nice, I like that; you wanna protect your girl but you won’t do it yourself…

Yeah, I’ll just get my security guard to do it; but he’s sick. He does martial arts, he’s an ex professional boxer.

So what are you doing later?

I’ve got some promo work at the BBC.

Seeing any girls?

There are loads of girls. Are you feeling quite insecure already?

I don’t know, maybe. Just curious I guess.

Are you the type of girl that checks a guy’s phone, and does a Twitter search on their name to see who’s been messaging him? Checks their pictures to see which ones they’ve liked and who has liked his?

I don’t really do Twitter that much, are you the type of guy who screenshots their dirty Snapchats?

I have done in the past.

Yeah, I bet. You know that you can tell if someone does that?

Yeah, of course. I think that’s part of the fun. I quite like the idea of the other person knowing that I’ve just screengrabbed the picture and that I might show my friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, group wank.

Hahahaha. This is quite a raunchy interview. It’s the raunchiest interview I’ve ever done.

It’s a date.

Really? This is the most exciting first date I’ve ever had. Really.

Good, I’m glad. Are you someone who gets jealous at all?

No. I’m not jealous at all, there’s not a jealous bone in my body.

You never feel threatened by other men?

Why am I gonna be threatened by another man?

I don’t know, you may be going through an insecure patch.

I think everyone has those insecure moments, but I learnt to get over that at a very young age. I’m very secure in myself, hence why I call myself the best looking fat guy in the universe. If I weren’t content with how I looked I would change it. I’m a great believer that I can do anything. I’m at a point in my life where I’m just so comfortable in myself that no-one else is gonna phase me.

But I hope that doesn’t mean you get complacent, and that you stop making an effort. Are you a romantic person?

Yeah!

What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a girl?

Urm, told a girl to come meet me after work…

And that was it…

Haha, no. I told her to meet me after work on Friday and we went to Paris on the Saturday, flew back to the UK on the Sunday and then took her shopping on the Monday and then that evening we went to Ibiza for a week. I thought that was quite romantic. She never knew about it, it wasn’t planned or nothing. It was spontaneous.

I like spontaneous. Have you ever been in love?

Of course, loads of times. I’m a lover.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

No, never. Do you know what? I’ve never been dumped.

What’s the most girls you’ve had in one sitting?

This is awkward now, people are gonna know too much about me.

You can lie.

Ok, one. I’m a wholesome family guy. Peter Griffin.

What would be your ideal date?

This is it really. In The Social, downstairs on these stony tables. We’re alone, apart from the cameraman…

What camerman?

And my PR guy…

What PR guy?

Oh, they’re not here? Do you go all the way on your first date? Do you do the oral ting?

Depends. Not at the moment, anyway.

Do you have a guy? How’s he gonna feel if you’re on a date with me? Most guys are threatened by me. They say, ‘’oh my God, she’s met Charlie Sloth.’’ It’s never the same.

Once you go Sloth…

Exactly. It’s over; it’s a wrap. It’s hard being me; so many women are just obsessed by me. All these women have husbands and boyfriends. But when it comes to Friday night, after a couple of drinks at the pub, they’re declaring their love for me and telling me their fantasies.

Only when they’re drunk?

It’s awkward; I’m a family guy. I’m not into all that stuff.

What’s the weirdest experience you’ve ever had with a girl?

Ok, I’ve got a great story for this. This is one of them stories you tell your grandkids, actually maybe not.

Haha.

So I was going out with this girl for about eight months and then one day, I turned round and told her it wasn’t working and that I don’t want to see her no more. She didn’t take it very well; she was ringing my phone and texting me nonstop. The following week I ended up getting with this other girl who I’ve known for ages. We both had a lot to drink and we go back to my mum’s house and do the deed and we’re both lying in bed naked, and I’m zonked out. Then I remember this girl pinching me and going, ‘’Charlie, Charlie, wake up!’’ I wake up and I’ve never seen someone look so scared in my life. I look at the end of the bed and there’s the girl I’d been seeing for eight months.

You’re joking!

She was just rubbing my legs going, ‘’Charlie, it’s ok, I don’t blame you.’’ I just screamed, ‘’MUM!!!!’’ and my mum comes running in and grabs her and chucks her out. I didn’t see or speak to this girl again for like three years. But then one day, I was drunk and walking back from the pub and I was putting my keys in the door and then suddenly I felt someone behind me. She pushed me up against the wall and, well…it was bonkers.

What were you like when you realised it was her?

I thought she was gonna kill me. I was like, ‘’woah’’ but then she started doing the other thing and I was like, ‘’woah oh ohhh’’.

What would you do if she walked in the room right now?

I’d be horrified.

After joking about having a surprise guest for him, and talking a bit more about "the blowy ting" we went upstairs and said goodbye. It’s been a day and I can’t stop thinking about him, Westwood, his bodyguard, and his bunny-boiler ex. He was absolutely right, once you go Sloth, it’s over; it’s a rap. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again.

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