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CAPS LOCK REVIEWS

Haim's 'Days Are Gone' Makes Me Want to Do Jumping Jacks and Smile Broadly

I WOULD ONLY LISTEN TO HAIM WHILE DOING COCAINE IN THE BACK TO THE FUTURE CAR AND HOLDING HANDS WITH A GIRL DRESSED LIKE A HOMELESS CYNDI LAUPER.

by The Kid Mero
08 October 2013, 9:00am

YO EVERY SINGLE HUMAN ON THE INTERNET IS TALKIN ABOUT THESE LADIES RIGHT NOW B. LIKE EVERY FUCKING BODY. YOUR ALBANIAN SUPER HAS THIS SHIT ON HIS IPOD TOUCH B.

AS SOON AS I TURNED THIS ON IT SOUNDED LIKE SWEDISH BITCHES DOING HALL & OATES COVERS. I'M DOING A LITTLE SIDE TO SIDE STEP ARM SHUFFLE SHIMMY TO THIS B. THIS IS LIKE LISA LISA SITTING ON CAMEO'S LAP EXCEPT IT'S THREE FEMALES FROM NORWEGIA. THIS IS MUSIC FOR A ROLLERBLADING MOVIE FROM THE EARLY 90'S…YO!!! WHATS THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE DOG?! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT MY NIGGA THE SHIT WITH SETH GREEN AND NIGGAS WERE ROLLER BLADERS OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT? LIKE HOMIE WAS FROM SOME BOHEMIAN SURFER TOWN AND FOR SOME REASON ENDED UP LIVING IN SOME SWAGGERLESS CAUCASOID TUNDRA IN THE MIDWEST. I CAN'T GOOGLE THAT SHIT CUZ I DON'T GOT INTERNET. I CAN SEE WHY PEOPLE ARE FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING TO THIS SHIT B. IT SOUNDS LIKE ANNIE LENNOX DOING CHROMEO.

THIS SHIT IS NOT REALLY MY SPEED BUT IT'S OK. LIKE I CAN'T DRIVE DOWN TREMONT BLASTING THIS SHIT AND BLOWIN SMOKE OUT MY SUNROOF. THIS IS MUSIC FOR THE PART OF THE MOVIE WHERE JEREMY AND ZOEY ARE CRUISING DOWN THE PACIFIC COAST WITH THE TOP DOWN AND THEY ARE SO FUCKING CAREFREE MAN BECAUSE WE ARE YOUNG AND WHITE AND FREEEEEE *WIDE SHOT OF OCEAN OR SOME SHIT* I WISH I HAD INTERNET RIGHT NOW SO I COULD GOOGLE WHERE THESE NIGGAS ARE FROM BUT IMA PUT A COUPLE GUESSES HERE AND DREW IS GONNA INDICATE WHICH ONE IS RIGHT.

-NORWEGIA
-PORTLAND
-CANARY ISLANDS
-SOUTH AFRICA
-CALIFORNIA (PROLLY THIS) [Editor's Note: Yeah, they're from L.A.]

MAN I REALLY AM NOT ENJOYING THIS MUCH AT ALL RIGHT NOW TO BE HONEST. LIKE IT'S NOT BAD MUSIC BUT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING JUMPING JACKS TO THIS SHIT AND SMILING BROADLY. MY MUSICAL TASTE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE B AND I LIKE ALOTTA SHIT BUT I'M JUST NOT FEELING THIS? MAYBE I HAVE TO BE AT THE BEACH OR IN A TOYOTA COMMERCIAL TO REALLY FEEL THIS SHIT? YOU KNOW? SOME MUSIC NEEDS CONTEXT B. LIKE I WOULDN'T JUST BE SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM PLAYING CHECKERS LISTENING TO REGGAETON BUT IF I'M AT A GENTLEMENS CLUB IN QUEENS THAT SHIT IS THE MOTHERFUCKIN WAVE B. ALSO I WOULDN'T BE ON A LONG ROAD TRIP LISTENING TO WAKA FLOCKA, YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING? LIKE I ONLY LISTEN TO WAKA WHEN I'M PUNCHING NIGGAS IN THE CHEST AND SHATTERING THEY STERNUM OR DRIVING DRUNK. CONVERSELY I WOULD ONLY LISTEN TO HAIM WHILE DOING COCAINE IN THE BACK TO THE FUTURE CAR AND HOLDING HANDS WITH A GIRL DRESSED LIKE A HOMELESS CYNDI LAUPER. THEN WE DRIVE OFF INTO THE SUNSET AND THE SHIT LOOKS LIKE AN ANIME CARTOON. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I DON'T CARE B WHATEVER.

I HEAR A LOT OF FREESTYLE INFLUENCE IN THIS SHIT B. FREESTYLE IS THE OFFICIAL MUSIC OF PUERTO RICAN MILFS BY THE WAY. NOT SURE IF YOU KNEW THAT OR IF I SAID IT PREVIOUSLY BUT IF YOU WANNA HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A 40 YEAR OLD PUERTO RICAN GRANDMA YOU CAN THROW ON SOME STEVIE B OR SOME SHIT AND YOU PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO GET A VERY ENTHUSIASTIC EXPERIENCED BJ. DON'T BELIEVE ME? LEARN THE WORDS TO "I WANNA BE THE ONE" BY STEVIE B AND SING THAT SHIT TO A RICAN GILF. WATCH WHAT UNFOLDS. YO THERE'S A SONG ON THIS CALLED "HONEY & I" THAT I THOUGHT SHORTY WAS SAYING "I'M HORNY AND I'M DOIN JUST FINE" WHICH IS AN IDEAL LIFE SITUATION. "DAYS ARE GONE" IS A REALLY GOOD SONG TO BREAKDANCE TO. IF YOU BREAKDANCE PUT THIS SHIT ON AT YOUR SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DO A COUPLE WINDMILLS.

I GIVE THIS SHIT 2 PILES OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 AND YEAH I KNOW I GAVE MILEY'S ALBUM MORE EVEN THOUGH THIS IS BETTER BUT YOU KNOW HOW FUCKIN SMACKED I WAS WHEN I WROTE THAT MILEY REVIEW? I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WRITING THAT SHIT. I'M LIKE THE NIGGA THAT THREW THE NO HITTER ON ACID.

STANDOUT TRACKS: "DON'T SAVE ME" IS PERFECT IF YOU DO COCAINE AT AFTERS, AND "DAYS ARE GONE" IS JUST A REALLY GOOD SONG IN GENERAL.

The Kid Mero is the originator of the term "Swagtegrity" (Swag + Integrity). He's on Twitter - @THEKIDMERO

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For more Mero, check his reviews of Drake, French Montana, and Kid Rock.