I don't want jealousy to be a "female" emotion any more.
An article that Claudia Connell wrote was posted at Mail Online this morning and it has basically picked the scab off the wound I've been trying to heal, thrown fuck-tons of stupid-sand into it and then rubbed it all over with idiot. Seriously, what is the deal with women constantly being so quick to claim envy as an emotion?
Unfortunately the male equivalents of these articles never appear, and instead we're stuck with Claudia’s shotgun-in-the-confession-booth treatise about all the “women I’ve dismissed within seconds of encountering” who have “always turned out to be spiteful, untrustworthy and treacherous”.
“UGHH,” Claudia seems to sigh. “Why does Victoria Pendleton have to be such a go-getting bicycle BITCH?” These random attacks on womankind are followed closely off her laptop keyboard by the flimsiest "I have black friends, honest" excuses ever. ("I love women! I love them I swear! Just not these ones!") The whole thing reads like the work of a morally vacillating Samantha Brick who can’t quite bring herself to tread her reputation into the ground in the name of internet infamy, but would really, really like to so that she can steal away those regular appearances on Thi$ Morning.
A little way down, amidst the ongoing chaos of her article, further clues as the source of her envy begin to emerge. Not only is it the beautiful, successful women who really get her goat, it’s also the ones who are able to talk to men in public places without freaking TF out. "Bloke’s birds", as she so charmingly refers to them, are somehow able to communicate with members of the opposite sex, and THAT kind of behaviour, Claudia asserts, is not to be trusted.
“Perhaps if I’d behaved like that a little more I wouldn’t be 45 and single – but I just can’t bring myself to dumb down in order to attract a mate, and have no respect for those who do.” Piece of advice: once you start referring to potential partners as "mates", you are really in trouble, CC. No matter how many glamourous “predators” you manage to deter, you’re still looking at a guy with sperm-filled turkey basters reflected in both of your eyes. Which might be part of the problem.
Except Claudia’s quick to deny this, instead deciding to trace her ability to sense evil in women back to genetics, which is always a great idea. While the token psychiatrist agrees (“there is dominance-fighting [between women] to attract the alpha male”) it is with reluctance that she is coaxed into commenting on the dumbed down, “hair-twirling” receptacles of Connell’s contempt. First of all the "alpha-male" thing is so over that
even this guy wrote a book maligning the king of the sexual jungle's decline.
Secondly, ever since everyone started crushing on Seth instead of Ryan on The OC, we’ve known that.
Screenshot from 'The OC'
It’s kind of awful to write articles arguing that women have a biological tendency to dislike other women. Awful because Connell implies that it developed as a positive characteristic to prevent super bitchy cavewoman from mincing into your hut and "stealing your food – or worse – your man". (Hell-oo, men are not Pret Sandwiches – you can’t just steal them away and gobble them up.)
Rivalry and constant comparison is definitely the least positive thing ever, because once you allow yourself to fall into the iron grip of borderline obsessive jealousy (which is an inevitable side-effect of spending all your time comparing yourself to other people), you’re on the road to months of self-loathing and "You have exceeded your bandwidth allowance for the month, again" emails. Big fun.
Possibly the worst thing about this article, other than the Jacqueline Wilson-esque graphics, is that Connell can’t even bring herself to commit to any one point of view. Is she just jealous? Are some women naturally threatening? Is it all daddy issues? Connell is unable to form any sort of conclusion about her random bouts of jealousy, other than that she will continue to follow her “mysterious, random radar”, which is basically prejudice under the guise of "energies" (puke).
So Claudia, in lieu of any conviction of opinion or explanation about why you just HATE certain women, I’m going to assume that you detest blonde people, because as far as I can tell that’s the only trait which links the list of women you’ve apparently taken an instant disliking to. Well, that and the fact that they’re all not writing for The Daily Mail.
I suggest you take the following positive steps towards not being a totally depressed and bitter person:
Piece of Advice #1:
Feeling threatened sucks, but 99.9 percent of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with the person you’ve decided to idol worship/hate from afar. If you feel overwhelmingly jealous of someone’s life, it’s almost definitely because you feel unsatisfied with your own. Buy some fucking candles and read a difficult book. Wear some purple lipstick. You’ll feel 1000x better.
Piece of Advice #2:
Sit down, close your eyes, and allow yourself to feel like shit for a while. Focus on where the feeling is coming from, identify it, allow it to exist for a bit and then breathe out and let it go. This will work for pretty much any feeling, and in very extreme cases can be aided by the presence of a cigarette in your mouth.
Piece of Advice #3:
Spend some time with some people you actually like.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes
In defence of The Daily Mail:
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