Horses cured homosexuality this week, but you were probably too drunk to notice.
Tragic Starts to the Year
AT LEAST 60 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED IN A NEW YEAR'S EVE STAMPEDE IN THE IVORY COAST
Most of the dead are believed to be aged between eight and 15
New year festivities turned tragic in the city of Abidjan in the Ivory Coast, when a stampede after a fireworks display at a stadium killed at least 60 people and injured over 200.
Reports vary as to what caused the crush, but one suggestion is that the arrival of security forces triggered a panic, and another claims that the stampede started because another large group were trying to enter the stadium when thousands were trying to leave.
The stadium had hosted a Chris Brown concert the night before the tragedy, which should be pretty inconsequential, but somehow makes the whole thing even more depressing.
More Tragic Starts to the Year
A BRITISH TOURIST WAS SHOT DEAD IN THAILAND ON NEW YEAR'S EVE
Stephen Ashton was caught in a gun fight in a Koh Phangan bar
Stephen Ashton, a 22-year-old from south London, was hit by a stray bullet in a Koh Phangan bar on New Year's Eve and pronounced dead in hospital later that night.
The two groups shooting at each other across the bar haven't been identified.
Steps Forward in Human Intelligence
AN AMERICAN PASTOR HAS CLAIMED THAT STROKING HORSES "CURES" HOMOSEXUALITY
Don't feel like being gay anymore? Hang out in a stable
The new year is looking good for anyone who's getting bored of being gay, because Raymond Bell, pastor of the Cowboy Church of Virginia, has revealed that if you want to straighten out, it's as easy as stroking a horse for an extended period of time.
It's unclear how the equine assisted psychotherapy (EAP) actually rids people of their gayness, but it's been known to help cure drug addicts, and considering Bell has exposed homosexuality as "a type of addiction", there's surely got to be some truth in it.
Supporters of the technique claim it makes men more masculine, which is obviously a good start on the road to heterosexuality, because absolutely no gay men are masculine.
TWO SISTERS WERE ARRESTED AFTER POCKET-DIALLING THE HOTEL THEY JUST ROBBED
Which proves that locking your keypad really can save your life
Two sisters – Ashlie Alewine, 22, and Nakilya Wright, 18 – were arrested after accidentally pocket-dialling the receptionist of the hotel they just robbed.
Alewine had been fired from her job at the hotel two days before and the receptionist recognised her voice as she discussed the robbery with her sister.
The suspects were charged with robbery and petty theft, but the crushing embarrassment they'll feel every single time they have to tell their arrest story will presumably be much worse than the court's eventual punishment.
A WOMAN WAS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING HER BOYFRIEND OVER BAD ORAL SEX
Don't get lazy down below with Jennie Scott, unless you like being smacked about a bit
Jennie Scott, a 50-year-old from Florida, was arrested in an "extremely intoxicated" state after physically assaulting her boyfriend because he wasn't pulling his weight in the 69 they were enjoying together.
Scott told police that she became angry after Deleon "finished first and stopped pleasuring her" and reportedly went on to threaten him with a stick and a wrench.
Premature ejaculation really can be a dangerous thing.