The History Of Lesbian Hair

Any book called this is going to be amazing.

Mary Dugger's The History of Lesbian Hair got awful reviews online. LGBT cyber critics slated it because apparently it felt dated, apathetic, and negative, but those guys are usually idiots and, in this case, clearly haven't realised that any book titled The History of Lesbian Hair is going to be nothing short of incredible. Which it totally is. Unfortunately, the author is no longer traceable, according to the internet, the last thing she wrote was this article in 1997 and she hasn't made a peep since, but this book should keep her firmly cemented in the annals of classic lesbian literature. Lesbian Hair is essentially made up of clip art-style illustrations that instruct you on things like how to build your own lesbian and hilarious seven-page ramblings detailing the different varieties of dyke, which is probably the kind of 'clichéd, stereotypical nonsense' that pissed off all those online LGBT bores.

Ignore all that noise, though, Dugger's book lays out all the lesbian facts in the most irreverent way possible, which is exactly what you want when you're a teenager and, like, care but, like, really don't care at the same time. Flip through the book's pages and you'll see what I mean. 

Here, Dugger takes the reader through an illustrated timeline of lesbian hair. Apparently Patsy Cline, an American country singer during the 60s, is the "rarely disputed goddess of hair in the lesbian universe" and all other denominations of lesbian hairstyles have stemmed from her neatly coiffured barnet. Nowhere else will you see such a concise timeline of lesbian identifiers and what they represent. For example, the 'Ingrid' hairstyle instantly lets you know that its wearer has an utter lack of talent, while the 'Tennis Pro' gives its wearer an instant air of talent, and KD Lang gets her first mention. Now new lesbians know what to avoid and what to go for. Also, an insightful analysis of Frida Kahlo's eyebrows and mustache reveals that they symbolise the female form - something that no one would notice unless they were writing a book about lesbian hair.      

On this page, Dugger takes a look at how the varying eyebrow stances of renowned lesbian writer Rita Mae Brown are getting thicker and becoming more and more similar to 'The Salman Rushdie Control Eyebrows'. I'm guessing this page is supposed to be a warning to all lesbians that avoiding proper maintenance of eyebrows could lead to being mistaken for that guy who was ordered dead by Iran's Islamic leader Ayatollah Khomeini in the 80s, which clearly isn't a good thing.    

This is my favorite page, as well as being the page that irritated most of the people who reviewed it online. How they didn't realise that it's intentionally stereotypical is completely beyond me, but I'd imagine it was the mention of Birkenstocks that caused the most offense. Never insult Birkenstocks or KD Lang if lesbians are your target audience. It's also good of Dugger to not only provide us with plans for your run-of-the-mill prison matron lesbian, but also suggests that we contact her for plans on how to build a decorative lipstick lesbian or the best darn mechanic we've ever had. I can't wait for the plans on how to build my own gay man now!

Towards the end of the book, extra emphasis is again put on eyebrow maintenance. This time Dugger is focusing on varying eyebrow styles to go for if you want to make it in Hollywood - something I've never seen anywhere - which is kind of surprising given that pretty much every other tactic for making it big in movie world has been documented somewhere along the way. The reader is provided with a blank canvas on which to test out different eyebrow ideas, as well as being encouraged to then cut them out and stick them on to see what they look like.

Thanks, History of Lesbian Hair, without you we'd never have realised just how obsessed with eyebrows lesbians are.