PUB NOTES

What's Gone On This Week: Nature's Revenge

Humans are railing so much gear it's affecting shrimp in rural Suffolk, but Pete Doherty has been hospitalised by a hedgehog so it all evens out.
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by NEO
Pete Doherty Hedgehog Injury Hosptial
Photo via @petedoherty

Welcome to "Pub Notes", a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don't miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

GAK PRAWN IS HERE

IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT COCAINE HAS BEEN FOUND IN ALL SHRIMP TESTED IN A RURAL ENGLISH COUNTY. RESEARCHERS AT KING'S COLLEGE LONDON, IN COLLABORATION WITH THE UNIVERSITY OF SUFFOLK, TESTED 15 DIFFERENT LOCATIONS ACROSS SUFFOLK TO MAKE THE DISCOVERY.

I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER IF THIS MEANS THERE’S A CONGREGATION OF PRAWNS GATHERED AROUND IN A CIRCLE SHOUTING OVER ONE ANOTHER FOR HOURS ON END BEFORE MAKING NEVER-TO-BE-FULFILLED PLANS TO VISIT A DIFFERENT RIVER UP STREAM THE FOLLOWING DAY.

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PROFESSOR NIC BURY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF SUFFOLK SAID THAT WHETHER THIS PRESENCE OF GAK IN AQUATIC ANIMALS IS AN ISSUE FOR SUFFOLK, OR MORE WIDESPREAD, “AWAITS FURTHER RESEARCH” – BUT "THE IMPACT OF 'INVISIBLE' CHEMICAL POLLUTION (SUCH AS DRUGS) ON WILDLIFE HEALTH NEEDS MORE FOCUS IN THE UK".

DR LEON BARRON FROM KING'S COLLEGE LONDON SAID THE REGULAR OCCURRENCE OF ILLICIT DRUGS IN WILDLIFE WAS “SURPRISING”, ADDING THAT WE MIGHT EXPECT TO SEE THESE IN URBAN AREAS “SUCH AS LONDON, BUT NOT IN SMALLER AND MORE RURAL CATCHMENTS”.

THE STUDY REPORTED THAT IT WASN’T JUST COCAINE FOUND IN ALL SAMPLES TESTED. SO EITHER OUR WILDLIFE ARE RECREATIONALLY RAILING HOLLYWOOD LINES OF COCAINE AND KETAMINE COMBINED – OR “CALVIN KLEIN” AS SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME IT’S CALLED – ARE TO BLAME, OR IT’S OUR CHEMICAL-RAVAGED PISS AND FAECES GETTING INTO THE WATER SUPPLY.

HOWEVER, IT SADLY WASN’T JUST “GOOD DRUGS” FOUND TO BE PRESENT IN THE PRAWNS. “PESTICIDES AND PHARMACEUTICALS WERE ALSO WIDESPREAD IN THE SHRIMP THAT WERE COLLECTED”, ACCORDING TO THE DATA.

CONTAMINATION OF UK WATER SUPPLIES IS SAID TO BE AN INCREASING PROBLEM, WITH RESIDUE FROM INSECTICIDES, PHARMACEUTICALS SUCH AS ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, FLEA KILLER AND MICRO-PLASTICS ALL FINDING THEIR WAY INTO THE WATER SYSTEM THROUGH OUR IMMENSELY FILTHY BEHAVIOURS. THE GOVERNMENT IS STILL MAINTAINING THAT ALL THESE DAMNING DISCOVERIES ARE NOT INDICATORS THAT WE’RE GOING TO DESTROY OUR PLANET FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS, THOUGH.

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ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, NO MORE DRUG DEALERS MAKING YOU HANG AROUND IN SOME FUCKING BACK ALLEY LIKE YOU’RE WAITING FOR GODOT; ALL YOU’LL NEED TO GET YOURSELF OFF YOUR CHIN AT THE WEEKEND IS HAVING SOME DELIVEROO CUNT CYCLE YOU OVER A LARGE PORTION OF PRAWN TEMPURA. SORTED.

'ED SHEERAN PLEASE, HEARSE DRIVE'

TRADITIONAL HYMNS ARE NO LONGER BEING REGULARLY REQUESTED AT FUNERALS, ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH BY THE UK’S BIGGEST CHAIN OF FUNERAL DIRECTORS.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, NO HYMN HAS APPEARED ON THE “TOP 10” MOST POPULAR LIST, WHICH IS FOR SOME REASON A THING THAT EXISTS. WHEN IT WAS LAST COMPILED IN 2016, IT FEATURED THE LIKES OF "THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD", "ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL" AND "ABIDE WITH ME" – SONGS WE MIGHT CALL “FUNERAL CLASSICS”.

THE MUSIC CHART WAS DRAWN UP BY BRITAIN’S FOREMOST BODY DISPOSERS, CO-OP FUNERALCARE, WHICH ARRANGES UP TO 100,000 CEREMONIES A YEAR. IT REVEALED A DRAMATIC SHIFT IN MUSICAL CHOICES AT FINAL FAREWELLS, WITH MOURNERS INSTEAD OPTING FOR CONTEMPORARY SONGS.

FRANK SINATRA’S "MY WAY" TOPPED THE CHART ONCE AGAIN – A CLEAR FAVOURITE AMONG THE DEAD – WITH ANDREA BOCELLI’S "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE" COMING SECOND, THE QUINTESSENTIAL “MOTHER DRINKING VALPOLICELLA IN THE KITCHEN WISTFULLY THINKING OF THE LIFE SHE COULD HAVE HAD WITH ONE OF IL DIVO” TUNE.

ED SHEERAN’S "SUPERMARKET FLOWERS" – A TRIBUTE TO HIS LATE GRANDMOTHER, WRITTEN FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF HIS MOTHER, ENTERED AT NUMBER SIX, AND WESTLIFE’S "YOU RAISE ME UP" CAME IN AT EIGHT. ALTHOUGH, PARADOXICALLY, THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY’LL BE ACTUALLY BE DOING.

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NEW REQUESTS INCLUDE "WIZ KHALIFA AND GEORGE EZRA”, WHOSE TRACKS ARE PREDICTED TO APPEAR IN FUTURE FUNERAL CHARTS TO COME.

RESEARCH FROM MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT RECENTLY REVEALED THAT 60 PERCENT OF PEOPLE IN THE UK HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO THEIR FAMILY OR FRIENDS ABOUT THEIR WISHES WHEN THEY DIE, BUT THE SURVEY BY CO-OP’S FUNERAL DIRECTORS DID REPORT A SHIFT IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE TELLING THEIR FAMILIES WHICH SONGS THEY WANT PLAYED AT THEIR FUNERAL, WITH A QUARTER OF UK ADULTS PICKING TUNES, COMPARED TO JUST A FIFTH IN 2016.

WHICH IS UNSURPRISING SINCE ALMOST EVERY DAD’S STOCK PHRASE IS “PUT ME IN A BARREL AND BURY ME OUT BACK” WHEN THE SUBJECT IS BROACHED, YET THEY ALWAYS STAY IN THE CAR AFTER PARKING UP TO HEAR THE END OF A LYNYRD SKYNYRD SONG.

EVEN NOW, THE ONLY TIME YOU’LL SEE YOUR OLDER RELATIVES PRAY IS WHEN THEIR HORSE IS ON THE FINAL FURLONG AT THE GRAND NATIONAL, AND THE ONLY REASON THEY SEEM TO ENTER A CHURCH WITHOUT A DEAD BODY BEING IN THERE IS TO “LOOK AT THE CRAFTSMANSHIP” OF THE STAINED GLASS WINDOWS, SO IT HARDLY COMES AS A SURPRISE THAT RELIGIOUS FUNERAL SERVICE NUMBERS ARE DECLINING AND MORE PEOPLE ARE CHOOSING SECULAR SERVICES FOR THEIR DECEASED LOVED ONES.

THE PERSONALISATION AND MODERNISATION OF FUNERALS COULD ULTIMATELY MAKE THEM MUCH EASIER FOR THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF THE DECEASED TO TAKE, AND I’LL NO DOUBT SEE A PRIEST HAVE CDJ’S AT THE ALTAR AND A TWITCH STREAM OF THE SERVICE BEFORE I’M BROWN BREAD.

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WHATEVER HAPPENS, I AM EAGER TO SEE HOW FUNERAL SERVICES DEVELOP IN THE FUTURE. HOPEFULLY IT’LL BE TIKTOK VIDEOS ON A PROJECTOR OF SOME UNFUNNY CUNT FROM WORK PUNISHING YOU WITH THEM MIMING SCENES FROM AUSTIN POWERS AT ONE LAST DESPERATE ATTEMPT BE FUNNY, EVEN IN DEATH.

PETE DOHERTY VS HEDGEHOG

PETE DOHERTY WAS HOSPITALISED THIS WEEK AFTER SEEKING TREATMENT FOR A WOUND INFLICTED BY A HEDGEHOG.

THE LIBERTINES FRONTMAN WAS WALKING HIS TWO SIBERIAN HUSKIES WHEN ONE OF THE DOGS PICKED UP THE SPIKY MAMMAL IN ITS JAWS AND A SPINE BECAME LODGED IN DOHERTY’S FINGER AS HE ATTEMPTED TO REMOVE IT.

THE INJURY WAS INITIALLY REVEALED BY BBC RADIO 5 LIVE PRESENTER NIHAL ARTHANAYAKE, WHO WAS DUE TO HOST DOHERTY AS A GUEST ON HIS AFTERNOON SHOW. ARTHANAYAKE SAID “PETE DOHERTY IS NOW IN HOSPITAL HAVING THE INFECTED HEDGEHOG SPINE REMOVED FROM HIS FINGER”, ADDING “WE WISH PETE WELL BECAUSE WHATEVER HAS HAPPENED IS SERIOUS ENOUGH THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO MAKE IT.”

DOHERTY LATER SHARED A PHOTO FROM THE MANCHESTER ROYAL INFIRMARY AND BRIEFLY EXPLAINED THE INJURY: “IN A HOSPITAL BED WITH AN INFECTED HEDGEHOG SPIKE WOUND THANK YOU TO THE WONDERFUL MEN AND WOMEN WHO WORK WITHIN THE NHS. WHAT ABSOLUTE ANGELS AND A MILLION TIMES THEY DESERVE OUR RESPECT AND THANKS,” BEFORE ATTACHING A PICTURE OF THREE DISPOSABLE URINAL BOTTLES ON HIS BEDSIDE TABLE ALONGSIDE A LARGE JUG OF ORANGE JUICE.

THE SINGER SAID HE ENDED UP ON THE POINTY END OF ONE OF THE HEDGEHOG’S SPINES WHEN HIS TWO DOGS “ZEUS AND NARCO HAD THE CUTE WEE VERMINOUS SHNUFFLE SHUFFLE PIG OF THE HEDGE IN THEIR GOBS AND I WRAPPED MY HAND IN A T-SHIRT AND FREED THE WEE BUGGER” FROM HIS DOG’S JAWS, BUT RECEIVED “A TINY CUT” IN THE PROCESS OF RESCUING THE GRATEFUL ANIMAL.

THIS WAS FOLLOWED BY AN EXTREMELY GRAINY SNAP OF HIS HEDGEHOG-SAVING HAND BANDAGED AND LATER, DESPITE HIS EFFORTS RESULTING IN A HOSPITAL STAY, A TWEET IN SUPPORT OF HEDGEHOG AWARENESS WEEK.

THE SEA CHANGE IN NEWS STORIES ABOUT PETE DOHERTY IS SOMETHING TO BEHOLD. IT USED TO BE MAINLY TABLOID STORIES OF HIM FUCKING AROUND WITH WORLD FAMOUS SUPER-MODELS OR GETTING NICKED FOR SCAG OR PINCHING MUSIC EQUIPMENT FROM HIS BANDMATE’S FLAT, BUT THESE DAYS IT’S BEEN MOSTLY ABOUT SMASHING MASSIVE COOKED BREAKFASTS AND WASHING THEM DOWN WITH STRAWBERRY YAZOO OR NEARLY LOSING HIS FINGERS BECAUSE HE PRISED A HEDGEHOG TO SAFETY FROM A DOG’S MOUTH. SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN SAY IS “FAIR PLAY” FOR THE WHOLESOME TURNAROUND.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO