Welcome to Angus Take House – a weekly column in which I will be pitting two of the wildest takes the world's great thinkers have rustled up against each other. This is your one-stop shop for the meatiest verdicts and saltiest angles on the world's happenings. Go and grab a napkin – these juicy hot takes are fresh from the griddle.
What's the story? Tory backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg went on Good Morning Britain and told Susanna Reid he believes abortion is "morally indefensible", even in cases of rape or incest.
Reasonable take: The wacky film about a whimsical aristocrat who was accidentally sent into the future by a mad scientist isn't funny any more.
Authentic Crispy Take Served With Sarah Vine Tomatoes and a Radish Dressing: Obviously I'm all for abortion, but the fact Jacob Rees-Mogg isn't makes him, sort of, a legend… ?
Just in case you're one of those high-minded people who refuses to click on Daily Mail links, the central thrust of Vine's piece is that while she doesn't agree with Rees-Mogg's views on abortion and gay marriage, she thinks his straightforward answers mark him out as an authentic figure in a sea of politically correct wooly liberal snowflake lefty blah blah something about free speech blah.
Apparently we are supposed to be impressed that an Eton-educated MP with an estimated net worth in excess of £100 million has gone on television and said that people who have been raped by members of their own family shouldn't have abortions. Apparently this is authentic. This is keeping it real. This, in her words, "represents a return to core family values, a sense of order and civilisation and above all a certain moral clarity". Moral clarity – that's all we wanted. Don't forget: even if only 7 percent of the UK population are against abortion, 100 percent of them are against nuance.
This "hey I disagree but mad respect for saying it" schtick would maybe carry a little more sway if it wasn't coming from Sarah Vine, a human being who makes a living shutting people down for their views, religious practices, social habits, political positions, genders, sexualities, parenting and entire ways of living – from Lily Allen's support of refugees to toy-makers designing dolls with recognisable disabilities. I guess moral clarity isn't so clear after all.
What's the story? Is depression real?
Reasonable take: Yes depression is real.
RED RAW RUDDY KNUCKLED RIBEYE TAKE: Depression... wait for it... isn't real.
Andrew Tate – a fame-hungry kickboxer – reckons that depression isn't real. This feels like a very fame-hungry kickboxer thing to publicly voice. It combines attention grabbing with a display of moronic masculinity. Of course, kickboxing alone doesn't qualify him as a moron, but the pinned tweet photo with Donald Trump Jr does the rest of the legwork. This take is very on-brand in that sense.
You will notice that at the end of the tweet Andrew has said "Thread." To save you time, I have done a quick scan of the thread. It's basically someone saying "just don't be depressed" over and over again. The big lines include "How can you be too depressed to work when people in war-zones aren't?" and my personal favourite [sic], "There are very few fat lonely man, aged 60. With no money or family or hobbys. Who arnt depressed. - this is not a clinical disease."
I'm not going to indulge this wild take with the scientific, social and historical proofs of depression. Because what's the point? He's the sort of person who responds to reason with pictures of cars bearing the caption "MAKE YOURSELF BETTER". Genuinely what sort of strange muscly child thinks "not having depression" makes you hard? Oscar De La Hoya, Ricky Hatton, Frank Bruno and The Rock have all spoken about suffering from depression. The Rock. Tate has fundamentally misunderstood the nature of mental health, and mistaken emotional honesty for self-indulgence.
By the way, if you're wondering why you maybe recognise him, it might be because in 2016 he was briefly on Big Brother, only to be kicked out of the house because a video emerged that allegedly showed him hitting an ex-girlfriend with a belt. At the time, Andrew denied the charges and claimed the programme-makers got rid of him because they were worried about his "master plan" to win the show. As he was saying, if your life is depressing, change it. Thread.
PRIME CUT: This is a really hard one. Both of these takes are fetid, rotten lumps. Sarah Vine is basically calling the Catholic church a bastion of radicalism, but I'm going to have to give it to Andrew Tate for the sheer unambiguousness of his tweets. I was in two minds, but then I read the tweet "Depressed? Try going to Syria" and am now preparing to set fire to my laptop.