This Brexit-Themed Porno Made Me Think Long and Hard About Myself

'Hard BreXXXit' has Theresa May fucking Donald Trump behind a lectern – but what does it say about the human condition?

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12 June 2017, 12:55pm

Alle billeder udlånt af Television X

All photos courtesy of Television X

You know, when I was a boy, my taste in pornography was what could only be described as "normie". When old people talk about how easy young people have it with their internet porn and the six million free videos at their fingertips, I'm the guy they're talking about.

Porn for me was very American. It was women with no pubic hair, maybe one or two ill-advised tattoos, fairly similar voices, varying degrees of success with their breast augmentations. The men were ripped, veiny, red-faced as if on the verge of a heart attack. Any foray into the world of British porn would, frankly, disgust me. The actors and actresses shouting "Oi!" at each other, dialogue that would sound more at home coming from Rodney from Only Fools and Horses. American porn takes place in a San Fernando Valley new build, and it shines. Feet are dipped in the pool. British porn is filmed in offices after hours. It's filmed in Premier Inns. Your aunt's mate is in it. A guy your dad knew from a pub he doesn't like to go to is in it. It's grotty and gross.

But then something in me changed. Now I'm in my mid-twenties, something about the sight of two doughy English bodies going at it in the back of a black cab doesn't seem so horrendous. That's kind of where I'm at now as a person. Not a lot else going on.

Rebecca More as Teaser Maynot in 'Hard BreXXXit'

Not only am I lover of pornography, but also of the parody genre. Hard BreXXXit is a porn parody not of a film or a TV show, but in many ways of life itself. It features an ensemble cast of grubby British porn stars pretending to be members of our beloved democratic parliament. There's Teaser Maynot of the Whorey Party, Jizza Cwoarbyn of the Laymore Party and, of course, sneaking about in the side lines, our old comrade Gladimhere Putitin.

Together, they must face the tribulations of running their respective parties (and in some cases countries), but also strum and nosh each other off. At one point Teaser Maynot is trying to deliver a press conference with Tronald Dump, but neither can contain themselves and they end up fucking through a glory hole in the lectern.

A chat between Angular Merkin and Knickerless Virgin of the Scottish PNS party about their incredulity at Scotland leaving the EU turns into, in Television X's words, "A lesson in pounding pussy with a strap on, long tongues and deep delving cunts in an international liaison of sweaty Sapphic muff diving."

It's a shame this production was completed before the general election results, as I'm sure more of it would have been able to draw on hung parliament gags.

But what does Hard BreXXXit tell us about ourselves? To me, it's a perfect example of national togetherness. A Z-list British porn star getting railed by another Z-list British porn star while dressed as the two most prominent politicians in the country is something we can all enjoy, provided we're over 18. Away from partisan politics and votes and hustings and Sun front pages, ultimately we're all just disgusting pigs who want to rub our disgusting pig flaps over each other and crack a couple of topical jokes about it for good measure.

In many ways, life itself is a porn parody. It strips away all seriousness, all pretence and engages a battle of enjoyment over duty. Because while you're parodying, you need to make sure you get the job done – the dichotomy between having a laugh and not having a laugh. It's the yin and yang of existence, the desire for carnality, that very animal of things, and joviality, that very human of things. If you Google "Protagoras quotes" you will see that he once said "man is the measure of all things", which, if by "man" he means "the porn man", and by "measure" means "measuring the penis of that man", you'll notice it all comes back to the porn parody.

Protagoras knew, even back then, in the dusty hallways of ancient history, that Hard BreXXXit was coming to shine a light onto the soul. You can actually Google loads of philosophers' quotes and just fit them to porn parodies. Albert Camus said "integrity has no need of rules", which is also probably about parody porn; the integrity it takes to engage in coitus dressed as Angela Merkel.

I implore you to watch Hard BreXXXit to, like me, be edified about the human condition, and all the beautiful thorns and petals that come with it. Plus, you get a wank out of it too.

@joe_bish

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