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Westminster Whispers

Francisco Garcia's Westminster Whispers

Salacious gossip in the House of Commons, from the lobby's most acerbic wit.

Westminster is a mmmmmurky place. Crammed with secrets, witness to centuries of shady deals and unsavoury compromise. Ideals are crushed. Lofty purpose is consumed by cruel necessity. Our fine journalists have been corrupted into a simpering hackocracy. Truth and honour are all too rare. Yet occasionally there emerges from the squalor someone ready to pour the thick bleach of truth down the damp crevices and blocked pipes where the powerful squat. And the results can be as explosive as you might predict.

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GORGEOUS GEORGE

The former Chancellor gets a sixth job – as an honorary economics lecturer at Manchester university.

George Osborne… bossman of the London Evening Standard… MP for Tatton… sick finance dude… cool bloke… Fun guy… ordinary geezer… is there anything this dude can't do? Aha.
Huge respect to Manchester Uni… pour yourself a Bud Light and chill… you guys merked this! To all these people snivelling about layoffs and "cuts"… give it a chuffing rest. You want to be a Northern Powerhouse yeah? Not a Northern Poopoo house.

This guy is like the Jamie Vardy of economics. No… he's like the Jamie Vardy AND the Stormzy of economics… he's that huge :)

Anyway, George… congrats mate. Don't listen to the crap bro, just be humble and always remember: you don't have to be a legend to work here ("here" being "as a totemic figure in British Public Life")… but it sure as sh*t helps!

IndyRef2Fast 2Furious

Nicola Sturgeon shelves plans for another Scottish independence referendum before Brexit… but says it's still "likely" there'll be another referendum before the 2021 Scottish Parliament election.

I'd like to address you directly now Scotland… hoots baby, let's not quarrel. I don't wanna fight witchoo bro, I'm listening.

Look, I went to the Fringe for a day once. I understand your caraaaazay culture, dude. "Ahm gonae eat yhoo!!" aha… that was a cool film too. But seriously, c'mon g… wise up. I'm all for Indie… Razorlight were were peng, but that Borrell dude… Mama Mia what a fruit.

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Dude, listen though I LITERALLY remember saying we should have an independent Clapton and keep all the scrummy vegan bean bars and groovy pale ales to ourselves :) Go Team London aha!

So yeah, I get it. We all gotta be a bit wild sometimes and or "get a bit crackers after a few Haggis butties" as you'd probably mumble. Fine. But if STILL you don't cease with this devilish cr*p… well, I've got another suggestion for setting our national differences.

Carlisle Tesco car park. Your freshest mob and our wittiest columnists. Muggle rules. Sure, the heart might be screaming Yes… but the computer says no.

Chyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyz.


WATCH: The British Wrestler


PUBLIC ANTIFREEZE

The 1 percent cap on public sector pay is to be reviewed, after Labour's attempt to scrap the freeze was defeated in Parliament.

I knew a girl… lets call her Tori. We met after a particularly woozy bottomless brunch at this groovy little spot I know in town. Chill vibes, sensible brehs, smashed avos, spicy a*s Bloody Maggie's… I'll confess, CCHQ had the pengest munch back then.

Next ting I know… we're pulling up to the curb outside Four Quarters… and there was mischief in the air. Aha… we laughed and danced and gamed that night away. The Unimandem didn't understand… how could they? Like, "don, did you even do PPE?"

But I was young then and my insides were like 100 percent pink fizz. Next thing, me and Tori are cotching at my pad and the whole night's policy was getting a bit wonkish… aha.

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We're just jamming watching Beyonce's Glasto 2011 set… and halfway through the Queens Speech I'm like "more suds Vicar" and she like "sure Daddy-O"…

So, I'm back in the store and my card's telling me "accessed declined… frozen funds."

And yeah, I'm running back to the man cave, like, how am I going to tell this broad the fizz faucets broken… but my keys jam in the lock. And that's when I see her… pressed against the glass… and she's just there… squealing with laughter.

Even now it's tough to tell this story in the public sector… but I'm not afraid… it's time to take to the centre ground and scream… that hacks hurt too!!

PETER BONE

MP Peter Bone: "Just get on and leave the EU!"

Ah Mr Bone… my honourable friend. There was a time I'd have given anything… everything… for just a few choice whiffs on your pipe of common decency and delectable good sense. If Wellington needed a new TX Maxx or yobbo winery… Who was there to shake the farthings from the magic money tree or organise the pengest flash mob in Somerset? Yavulle bae… it was choo.

So to hear you ranting and salivating like Hagrid on a bank holiday mead binge… nah g, you know what… I ain't even gonna go there. There's NOTHING magic about seeing a respected public servant debase himself in front of his peers and Mommy May, screaming blue boll*cked murder for this unsavoury maudness we call Brexsh*t.

Oh Peter, I'm no barista… but I know some piping beans when I see then. Time to get cooling broski. Because politics ain't nothing like a java… frothy hot heads get sent back straight back to sender. Ta ra… W*zzock.

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