Illustration by Sam Taylor
Sex! Fucking! Cumming! Isn't it marvellous? I bet you'd like to be doing it right now, wouldn't you, rubbing your genitals into a sloppy, sticky frenzy, like an eager, rutting animal? I thought I knew everything about sex, but one thing about growing up is realising just how little you do know. You know? Like, when did straight guys become so blasé about analingus? And how do you choose a good safe word? And does anyone, really, like being fingered?
I wanted to look at aspects of sexuality that I'd never heard of before for my new BBC Three series The Paris Lees Sex Show. That's right. The BBC has given me my own show. About sex. I wanted it to be much smuttier and more superficial, but the Beeb insisted we give it an educational spin, you know, for the yoof and that. Public broadcasting innit. But it's still quite slutty, by BBC standards – see how my lady lumps jiggle about in this clip like two big wobbly jelly-filled balloons?
Anyway, VICE wanted to know if I'd actually learned anything from my special investigations and it turns out I did, actually, which, combined with a good decade of being – well, let's face it, a bit of a slag – means I've gathered a fair bit of wisdom when it comes to sex. So, without further ado...
Relax. Take a deep breath, hun. Honestly, if life has taught me anything it's that you can sit on a traffic cone, if you would only chill the fuck out for a minute. #ThisGirlCan
2 GET A SEX DRAWER
I don't care who you are, get a sex drawer. Even if you're hooked on traditional penis-in-vagina sex, cum is gonna fly loose every once in a while, right? Not to mention all those lovely pussy juices. So you're gonna need somewhere to store tissues, condoms, and a hand towel. Handcuffs. Dildo. Machete. All your sex stuff. I'm also a big fan of those Andrex washlets you can get in Boots. They were on offer in Sainsbury's in Hackney the other week so I stocked up on them like a thrifty 1950s housewife. I'm telling ya, these Andrex make you feel super frickin' fresh down below. I swear the aloe vera ones done turned me into a virgin again.
3 VALUE INTIMACY
I've had several truly intimate and special relationships in my life – my manicurist, my hair stylist, the lady who does my eyebrows. But it's only really in the past few years that I've grown the fuck up and realised how great true intimacy can be. Sure, promiscuity can be incredibly fun – and anyone who used to drink in Yates in Nottingham back in 2009 knows I mean that with all my heart – but I doubt it's nourishing in the long run. I kind of think of casual sex as junk food now. And love-making as home cooking. Don't get me wrong – sometimes you just really, really fancy a big fat greasy saveloy from the Turkish chip shop down the road, but it's never going to compete with a meal that's been slowly prepared with herbs and love and shit. Who'd have thought it eh? Me, a romantic...
4 NOTHING REALLY MATTERS
So here's the other thing that my awakening to intimacy has taught me – when you love someone, pretty much anything goes. I'll always have my own preferences and, believe it or not, boundaries, but when you're loved up, you'd kind of do anything for them. And I don't mean that in a weird, degrading, co-dependent way, but in a loving, open and beautiful way. Like when you find yourself doing something you've never really been turned on by before purely because you know that the person you adore finds it hot, but – and here's the crucial bit – now you enjoy it too.
5 NEVER SAY NEVER
I'm "sex positive" but there are things I can't help but have a visceral dislike of – say, for example, people hurting themselves. And I suspect that scat – playing with shit – will always be a step too far for me. But many things that I once thought beyond the pale, or ridiculous, don't seem so bad to me any more. And from personal experience, I know I'm not alone in that. I've met many guys in their 30s and late 20s who are turned on by trans women – whether post- or pre-op – who, at 20, would never have believed that they would 'go there'. But like so many areas in life, your sexual perspective changes all the time, often quite dramatically. And that's OK. I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I've recently discovered I'm in to Furries.
6 FUCK ME WHILE I CRY
Can we all just agree that it's super hot to be fucked while you're emotional?
7 PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES NEED TO CUM TOO
I'm fairly self-absorbed, so it's not something I've thought about a lot before, but since I started filming my show, I've learned that there isn't a lot of porn out there for people who are blind or visually impaired and, well, that sucks. There is a book of braille porn, but you need two hands to read it... so yeah. Blind people need better erotica that appeals to all their senses.
8 FANTASIES ARE FINE
Everyone has a naughty fantasy that they would never in a million years want to enact in real life and that's fine. And I reckon everyone needs to access that fantasy once in a while. Even if you're really turned on by the person you're with, even if you love them desperately and couldn't be more attracted to them, sometimes you will still have to think about Your Thing to get off. I don't want to know what yours is and you sure as hell don't need to know what mine is, although if you really want to know it involves a see through mac and a girl I used to go to school with on a wet and windy night with six rugged, woman-starved firemen and a dog biscuit but that's all I'm saying, OK.
9 THREE'S A CROWD
You always say you're going to have a threesome when you first hook up with someone. You probably won't. I'm not saying threesomes can't be good or that happy couples can't pull them – and a third party – off with huge success, but it's fraught with danger. I reckon you should get the threesome stuff out your system during your slut years, but it's 2016, so do whatever the fuck you like, I suppose.
10 GET TESTED
Lord knows how, but I've never actually had the clap. IKR? Despite doing it unprotected down an alleyway behind Marks & Spencers, twice, with a drug dealer who looked like the one with contact lenses from So Solid Crew. But I'm an idiot. Just use a condom. We don't want you getting some awful sexually transmitted disease, like gonorrhoea, or a baby. Speaking of which...
11 BRITISH SEX EDUCATION NEEDS TO GROW UP
Most sex education does next to nothing to prepare you for the realities and responsibilities of Game of Bones. Oh, what's that you say? You put a penis in a vagina and a woman can become pregnant? Who fucking knew?! There was me thinking the only way to find yourself with child was to fall asleep under a hawthorn tree on the solstice. Yes, kids need to learn about reproduction, but they also need to know about consent if we are ever going to end sexual violence, promote respect for people's personal boundaries and save a lot of trauma and suffering. When I was at school, we watched a film telling us that one day we'd have to wash our armpits more often, grow hair down below and that masturbation could be quite nice – all of which I'd have worked out by myself by the time I was 14, thank you very much. No one ever told us it was OK to be gay, or bi or even not to want sex at all. And they fucking should have done.
12 EMBRACE THE AROMA
Armpits are hot. Don't spoil them with cheap deodorant. Just keep them clean. It's important. I watched a video about that once. Maybe it's just a personal preference of mine, but I suspect the Joy Of Sex was right – we are supposed to like the way other human beings smell. Apart from Boris Johnson. I reckon he smells like spam and failure.
13 STOP BEING SELF-CONSCIOUS
Stop worrying. Your sex partner is with you because they're attracted to you. Or really horny and can't do any better. Either way, just fucking own it – and enjoy yourself!
14 LATEX WORKS
Latex is hot. This was my dress at the beginning of March:
This was my dress at the end of March:
Sorry, Kim West Latex.
15 HEAD IS A SKILL
Blowies. I'm gonna leave the last word with Samantha from Sex and the City: "Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex. And all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breath through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a 'job' for nothing."
And that's it, really. I will probably just keep making the same mistakes over and over again for the next 50 miserable years or so, but I hope that at least some of the knowledge I've picked up can help you. Happy fucking!
Watch The Paris Lees Sex Show here.
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