Getting High with K-Stew

As a lover of both ketamine and stew, I decided to cook up a batch.

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20 August 2012, 8:00am

I've been hearing a lot about K-Stew in the last month or so. As a lover of both ketamine and stew, I was intrigued to try it, so I decided to cook up a batch. 

Amazingly, I couldn't find a single recipe online. Which is odd, because a Google news search for "K-Stew" shows over thirty thousand results from the last month alone.

I decided to invent my own recipe. Here it is, a gift from me to you. Enjoy! 

Here are my base ingredients. I won't patronise you by talking you through what they are. You're not blind, you can work it out.

In a frying pan, brown the things that need to be browned, then combine in a pan with the stuff that didn't need to be browned.

Add the chopped tomatoes and K Cider. If you're not in the UK and can't get K Cider, you can probs substitute for whatever the homeless drink themselves to death on in your area.

Add some herbs. I have this weird thing where I can never remember which herbs are which, so I just added all the green ones. It smelled kinda like those pizza flavoured crisps you get in Spain.

I was going to toss some green food colouring in, because I Google image searched "stew" and they were all brown, rather than red like mine. But my housemate used all of my green food colouring when he made cakes a while ago and never replaced it. Dickhead.

Simmer for 40 minutes to an hour, divide into bowls and add a generous sprinkling of ketamine to each. It's probably best to add the ketamine after you've bowled it up to avoid any pesky overdoses.

I used ketamine purchased in Hoxton Square at 3AM from some random guy I met in a pub, but any ketamine will do.

Serve to whichever one of your friends comes back from the pub first with a side of bread rolls, and enjoy.

As you can see from his face, it tasted pretttttttttty good!

Allow the K-Stew a little time to take hold. Obviously this is gonna vary from person to person, but I'm pretty sure he was starting to feel the effects at this point because I made a hilarious joke about "high cuisine" and he didn't even flinch.

When high, my friend loves nothing more than to flick through copies of girly gossip magazines. You know, those ones that are full of all the tedious news about the latest celebrity break-ups and stuff.

Personally though I don't see the attraction, they aren't something I waste my time with.

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT

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