Why Mitt Romney (And Every Other American) Will Never Be FIFA President

Darn it.

Mitt Romney for FIFA president. A turnaround artist for a troubled sports organization. A straight-arrow executive who has done this before. It's a great idea. It was more or less our idea. Even Romney himself won't completely rule it out.

Too bad it will never happen.

Nope. Never. As in: no fucking way. And this isn't even Romney's fault. America will elect a black, female, Mormon, gay, divorced, open-carrying, medicinal weed-smoking, Nickelback openly-loving President of the United States before an American—any American—is installed as president of FIFA.

First, let's talk about the rules. As we've already pointed out, the eligibility requirements for a FIFA presidential runs are fairly prohibitive. A candidate has to have been active as a player or official in a national federation, a continental confederation, or FIFA itself for two of the last five years. He also needs letters of support from five national federations.

Right off the bat, that eliminates Romney. But wait: these were new rules for this election cycle, quietly passed last year. As such, perhaps they'll be loudly scuttled during the promised "reforms" that will allegedly take place before the disgraced incumbent Sepp Blatter probably maybe vacates the job sometime between December and March. But perhaps not. Remember, Blatter will still be overseeing some of FIFA's pending governance overhaul, and he's also the guy who oversaw these rules being adopted in the first place. He has no real incentive to review FIFA's electoral process, not when a slew of of randos suddenly wanting to be president already has come out of the woodwork. Even Diego Maradona wants the job, for fuck's sake, and he's the world's least presentable man.

Still, for the sake of argument, let's say change happens. In fact, imagine a FIFA election open to literally anyone, even former candidate and Sports Illustrated writer Grant Wahl. Whatever system is put into place, the voting is still done by FIFA's 209 member nations. And that's where any would-be Romney campaign—any American campaign—would be stillborn. Because the vote in those countries—and every member's vote carries the same weight—isn't arrived at through some democratic electoral process.

Nope, whoever runs the porky soccer fiefdom in each nation gets to make the call. Which means the votes are held by the very men and women who benefit from a crooked president.

Under Blatter, vast sums of money portrayed as soccer development aid—cash that seldom went to aiding local soccer scenes—were funneled to all the member federations. Each country got the same cut. So in many of the world's smaller countries, and there are a shitload of those, Blatter's rain-making kept the federation afloat. It kept the power on and the salaries paid. There were other handouts, too, which probably paid for home remodelings, vacations and cars. The money machine built by Blatter has grown so big that it doesn't rely on his presence. Anyone willing to keep the spigot on will do. And that means Blatter will likely be replaced by the candidate seen as the most likely to maintain the status quo.

Facing a system built to keep outsiders with any fancy aspirations of reform and sound governance out—as former FIFA VP Jack Warner once put it to his colleagues "If you're pious, open a church, friends. Our business is our business"—a candidate like Romney has no chance. Sure, he might appeal to a country that values transparency and accountability, but those aren't the values of the FIFA constituency that actually gets to decide who wins.

Then there's this: ever since the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the Department of Justice began hauling FIFA officials out of five-star hotels early in the morning, a strong anti-American sentiment has taken hold. And why not? American cops and prosecutors are trying to put a lid on the cookie jar. In turn, that hamstrings any American candidate. Even the corrupt ones! Think about it: Whereas our countrymen could once rise to vast amounts of influence and misappropriated funds within the corrupt world of international soccer governance—give "Chuck" and "Blazer" and "cats" and "Trump Tower" a quick Google, if you somehow haven't already—those days appear to be over, because the federal government apparently gives many, many fucks about said corruption.

If you're a opportunistic Trinidadian soccer executive with a penchant for shady bank transfers and televised feuding with John Oliver, or just a lower-profile international soccer exec with a penchant for shady bank transfers that don't end up prompting American indictments, any candidate hailing from a country where the justice system functions like a justice system is not an attractive option. You'd likely rather vote for None of the Above.

The new FIFA president, if it isn't Blatter, certainly won't be Romney. Or any other American, for that matter.