Advertisement
This story is over 5 years old
Culture

Holy Shit, the New Ninja Turtles Movie Is Really Bad

What the fuck Is going on in 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'?

by Dave Schilling
09 August 2014, 6:51am

If you can believe it, this is the fifth film in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie franchise. No one has ever accused the classic Ninja Turtles origin story of being particularly subtle or clever, but this shameless cash grab remake somehow made the whole backstory of this universe a whole lot dumber. As one would expect, there's a bunch of really distracting shit in this movie, not least of which are the numerous gratuitous shots of Megan Fox's ass. If you've also seen this turdburger (and you should NOT read this if you haven't seen the movie), hopefully you'll find this article as cathartic to read as it was for us to write.

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS

–Why is the CGI so bad on April O'Neil's face? The Turtles and Splinter looked great, but it seems like they barely put any effort in at all when rendering April's face. It was totally un-believable, and barely moved. And when it did move, the expressions did not correspond with what was happening around the character. Did they just run out of money or something? The graphics were better on Lara Croft in the first Tomb Raider game.

–The Foot Clan was "So named because they step over the people of this city with no regard"? Who the fuck gave them that name? That's a terrible name for a gang.

–Was the opening scene an homage to Fruit Ninja?

–Why is Megan Fox so bad at pretending to take notes?

–How come no one in that lab was willing to tell little Megan Fox to stop feeding turtles fucking pizza? 

–Megan Fox went through four years of college and she doesn't know what "froth" means? What did that entire scene mean, even? It's like it was google translated into Japanese and back again.

–How come that dock worker has Skype? Does he have relatives overseas that he needs to contact?

–Does he know that he doesn't have to respond to Skype calls? That he has to be accept a contact request for someone to even call him? That he can block people on Skype? 

–Can someone tell me why Whoopi Goldberg has no eyebrows? 

–How many times do we really need to hear characters in this film use the word "vigilante"? 

–Whoopi Goldberg runs a news channel but is unwilling to run a news story based on witness testimony? No wonder Channel 6 is getting hammered in the ratings, right? Right, guys?

–Wait, what the fuck, Whoopi? She's showing you pretty strong evidence that there's a vigilante foiling crimes (the graffiti at the crime scenes) and you still dismiss her? You need to be fired.

–Why didn't April show Whoopi the photo she had of the four Turtles on her phone that she's totally cool showing to that Sacks dude?

–Shredder referred to people claiming the Foot Clan was a myth, and he would make the world see they were real. Did the crime spree everyone in New York was talking about not take care of that? Like, the Foot Clan and Shredder were on the front page of every newspaper in town. I think the cat's out of the bag.

–Why would anyone wanna be in Shredder's gang? The guy is a total moody dick. 

–April went to the lab while it was on fire to... save her pets? What about her FUCKING DAD?

–Oh, you say that Sacks guy had already shot her dad, and he was dead? I'm still very concerned that her first instinct was to rescue some fucking turtles. "In an emergency, save the turtles first" is not a great lesson to teach your kids, OK?

–Why did April put the turtles in the sewer after saving them from the burning lab? Why not just hold onto them? They were important enough to save, but not important enough to keep? What the fuck?

–Why isn't Krang in this movie? I would fucking loved to have seen a gritty CGI Krang.

–How did Splinter know there was a bomb on the other side of that sewer wall?

–"I guess April arrived early this year." Really? Who talks like that, except for shitty movie villains?

–Does Splinter not have the mutagen in his blood, too? If it's so valuable, why just leave Splinter and Raphael's bodies down there in the sewers?

–Does April's phone not have a video function? I mean, she can use it to Skype, clearly. Also, she's a TV reporter, and a video is probably more valuable. Why keep taking shitty pictures? 

–Couldn't she have bought a real camera?

–"We will drain every last ounce of their blood to get it, even if it kills them!" What does he mean EVEN if it kills them? Isn't that guy a scientist? How does he not know that draining all of their blood will most definitely kill them?

–The weight of two turtles hanging off of it was enough to make that building start to fall apart? That is one flimsy-ass building.

–Why didn't that guy just walk over to April and shoot her in the head in the lab at the end? Why fire into the barrier that she was hiding behind for 10 minutes?

–Why, at the end, were the Turtles falling in slow motion, but Raphael's big emotional speech was regular speed? Was he meant to have said all of that really, really fast or something?

–Why wasn't April killed from the impact of falling hundreds of feet on to concrete? Did that big metal structure she was inside cushion her fall?

–Donatello claimed he had "always wanted" to flip a car using his cool ninja stick while sliding down the side of a mountain. Really? Had he actually fantasized about doing that? That's kinda weird, but I guess it's no weirder than being a seven-foot-tall turtle.

–Why the fuck did Shredder jump off the roof of the building and grab onto the spire with the poison on it? Ostensibly, it was to grab the green stuff from Megan Fox, but he was in a giant robot suit. Pretty sure he could have just grabbed it and kicked her off the roof, she weighs like, 100lbs.

–Seriously, why does Whoopi Goldberg have no eyebrows? It's freaky. She looks like a California Raisin.

–After saving the day, the Turtles reiterate that they would like to remain hidden, and for their existence to not be revealed to the public. Isn't driving around in a garish, unmarked van painted like a turtle shell a truly horrible way to not be seen?

Follow Dave and Jamie on Twitter.