Your Pokémon Go News For the Day: This Sex Shop Is Now a Popular Pokéstop

Your body craves and needs Pokémon Go news.

by Joel Golby
12 July 2016, 10:55am

(via Nintendo)

Here is your Pokémon Go news for the day. You require this news because when you are not playing Pokémon Go you are thinking about Pokémon Go. You are interested in how other people are playing Pokémon Go. Do they have Porygon, yet, the other people? Have they evolved up to Level 5? How about gym training: how far are The Others streaking ahead of you, with your two Spearow and a Pidgey, how far behind the chasing pack are you already? It is impossible, truly, to know, but the mysterious variables at play out there keep you awake at night. We are days into a new world, a Pokémon Go world – a world where the eventual endgame is our lush planet blasted down to the sand, scorched earth, clay crackling under the heat of the sun, and the last few remaining humans, dressed in rags, clatter into each other on vast plains while looking at their smartphones and trying to catch a Mewtwo – and already we are all so hooked we are doomed. Here is your Pokémon Go news for the day. Step up to the top of this slippery slope and allow yourself to tumble.

Hundreds of Plymouth gamers are scouring the city in search of Pokemon as the mobile version of the Japanese franchise is launched - and some of them are ending up at a sex shop.

Local businesses and popular landmarks, including the Private Shop on Princess Street and Goodbody's cafe on Mutley Plain, have been turned into "pokestops" and "training gyms" as part of new game, Pokemon GO!

Plymouth Herald

I think the shock-horror element of this story is meant to be that it's bad you can catch and train rare Pokémon at a sex shop, the intimation being that a sex shop is the absolute worst possible place on earth you could be, a depraved place, a low and vulgar place, a place that emits heavy belch-like fumes of sexual ecstasy that can corrupt even the cleanest and most angelic of youths, and that any children who might inadvertently end up outside a sex shop trying to catch a Pikachu might end up irreversibly corrupted and go immediately to hell, but also I am rendered a bit delirious by the idea of your common-or-garden lone masturbator leaving the shop in his slicker coat with a blue bag of porn and bumping immediately into a bunch of 12-year-olds hunting Pokémon while wearing caps, like: what do you say, in that situation, what do you do.

A member of staff at the Private Shop, situated behind Reel Cinema, told The Herald people came into the store last week asking about Pokemon.

"I have noticed it," the member of staff, who asked not to be named, said.

"There were a few people last week who came in and they were talking about it.

"They came in and I didn't know what they were talking about, as I'm not really into games."

The staff member said no Pokemon-related products were available inside the shop.

Now, two things: i. if you're a staff member in a sex shop, yeah, own it, alright? Give your name to the paper. Don't be ashamed of it. Don't pretend this is just a stepping stone to you ultimately, I don't know, being Prime Minister. Just get over the fact that you work in a sex shop; and ii. am I going to... alright, fine. Am I going to have to be the one to Google 'pokémon sex toys' right now? Is this what it has come to? Is this what Pokémon Go has bought us to?

I immediately regret this.

Well, we fucked it, guys. We fucked the world. Pokémon Go was meant to be the lone chink of light in the darkness of post-Brexit Britain, of pre-Trump nuclear war, a little escape in a world of horror, but no: no, we can't have nice things anymore. You know what I was expecting? I was expecting an intricately-carved but still ultimately quite Carry On Gyarados-shaped dildo. I was imagining a vibe in the classic Pikachu yellow. Maybe a Misty cosplay outfit. Cheeky, you know? The kind of sex toys you could viably bring to a 'romp'. But... no. No. We can't have nice stuff. We ruined nice stuff. We cannot go to hell because we are all already there.

Since Pokémon Go launched there have been various scare stories: a man's life is ruined because his house is accidentally a gym, it made a group of teens walk into the middle of an armed robbery, pale and wan nerds have been seen making friends in public, the whole thing is potentially a massive read-your-email grift by Nintendo, and now this. The world is broken, lads. Catch Zubats in the sun before the heat of the universe consumes us all.


More stuff about Pokémon Go:

'Pokémon Go' Tips and Tricks to Make You the Very Best, Like No One Ever Was

How 'Pokémon Go' Transformed My Daily Routine

'Pokémon Go' Players Are Spoofing GPS Locations to Catch' Em All