Illustration by Sam Taylor
If you ask me, one of the best things about being a woman in 2016 is having the freedom to get your tits out on social media. Kim Kardashian knows this and so, it now seems, does her friend Emily Ratjkowski – whom you may remember as the brunette hottie from the "Blurred Lines" video. They posted a sisterly tit pic this week in defiance of slut-shaming. Guess what happened next? Well, duh. They got slut-shamed. By disgusting misogynistic dickheads like Piers Morgan. Morgan posted a series of Tweets telling Kim K and Emily that they were "Classy ladies. Real classy" and should "try wearing a little dignity" while calling the pair "tacky". He then posted a pic of himself and Kim K in "Happier, more tasteful days". Class? Dignity? Taste? Time to clutch those pearls, boys and girls! What a shame – for when a man is tired of Kim Kardashian's breasts, he is tired of life.
Emily didn't respond to the moral censure of this great arbiter of taste, but instead tweeted: "However sexual our bodies may be, we need to hve the freedom as women to choose whn & how we express our sexuality." Morgan continued: "Oh Emily, enough of this nonsensical pseudo-feminist gibberish. If not for me, then for Emmeline." Oh. Yes. Feminism. That thing where posh twats shame women over the choices they make about their bodies!
In what parallel universe does a 51-year-old man lecture a woman old enough to be his daughter – almost his granddaughter – on how to be a feminist? Presumably he'd prefer Emily to dress like Emmeline Pankhurst, with long skirts and high necks and maybe some white gloves for good measure? I admire Pankhurst greatly but we're in the 21st century now and women can dress or undress however the hell they want.
"RIP feminism", Morgan finished. The push for women's rights would indeed be in a very poor state if Piers Morgan were its last defender. This is the same Piers Morgan who has spent years expressing his "revulsion" towards Madonna, describing her body as a "gruesome display of muscle-bound pecs-twitching that actually made me physically gag". That particular comment was over Madonna's appearance at the 2012 Golden Globes, when she was there to collect an award. He praised Sofia Vergara's appearance at the same even because "she dresses for men, not women". The same Piers Morgan who wrote last year that Madonna's fall at the Brits was "God's way of telling you you're too old to cavort like a hooker." Make no mistake: Piers Morgan is no feminist. He's an entitled little prick who feels he has a right to comment on women's bodies with disgusting misogyny. He's the claret-lipped uncle at posh family weddings who yells at his sister-in-law in front of the whole family to tell her she's put on weight. He's a hideous pulsating mound of smegma.
I welcome men's voices in feminism, if they actually have something new, interesting and important to say. But here's the thing: in this instance, quite simply, Morgan is wrong.
According to Piers Smegma, feminism is "supposed to be the advocacy of women's rights & equality with men. Not, I dare to suggest, topless selfies." Yes, feminism is supposed to be about the advancement of women's rights, but Morgan should look at the warped logic in his own tweets. Men post topless selfies all the time. Look, here's Justin Bieber with his boobs out. Take a long hard look at it. I have. And here's Tom Hardy. And Drake. Go on. Knock yourself out. If topless men are your thing, there are plenty to choose from on social media. I don't remember Morgan ever telling Bieber or any other male celebrity to cover up. That's more double standard than equality. Take Instagram and Facebook's bans on female nipples - if men and women are to be equal, then men and women's nipples are going to have to be equal too. Morgan can complain about taste and dignity all he likes, but that's the way feminism's going down in 2016.
I've never met Emily but I did have the pleasure of meeting Elle Evans a couple of years ago. She was the blonde hottie from the "Blurred Lines" video. We spoke at the Oxford Union together in defence of promiscuity, a debate we won. I found her to be a highly intelligent, calm and composed young woman. She wasn't some vapid bimbo and there is no reason to believe that either Kim K or Emily Ratajkowski are either. Just because a woman chooses to present herself sexually in the public eye does not mean she's an idiot in need of advice from a scumbag like Piers Morgan. As young feminist and journalist Abi Wilkinson wrote: "I could tweet nudes & it wouldn't change anything about me, my opinions or my intelligence. Piers Morgan's tweets show he's an idiot though."
As ever, this is about choice. And consent. Kim and Emily chose to present themselves that way. That's up to them. I'm sick to fucking death of people who think they have a right to tell other people what they can and can't do with their own bodies. We are surrounded by naked and half-naked women every day in the media, but Morgan keeps quiet about that. Funny how you never see men complaining about Tom Ford adverts, huh? When women are submissive, silent and even headless, Morgan and co haven't got anything to say. If you don't have a problem with naked women being used to sell cars, aftershave or sliced fucking mushrooms but you do have a problem with a woman sharing nude pics on her own social media account, you're a prick. And a hypocrite. Piers Morgan doesn't have a problem with naked women. He has a problem with individual women choosing where and when they want to be naked. And I have a problem with that.
So I say we celebrate Kim Kardashian's magnificent body. She's a beautiful, voluptuous, grown woman who knows she's only on this planet once. Let her enjoy her body any way she sees fit. If you don't want to look at her toned stomach, her soft skin, her proud curves, fine. Don't. But don't go dressing up your moral outrage as feminism because it's not. It's plain old slut-shaming and women have had enough of it. It's prudery.
Laydeez: you don't have to get your lady lumps out on Twitter if you don't want to but, if you do, I say go for it. If it feels good, just do it! I personally love giving the girls an airing on social media.
There are thousands of offensive tits on social media – and the biggest one is called Piers Morgan.
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