As much as it pains me to type these words. As much as I would sooner fling myself into a skip doused in gasoline carrying an open flame than admit what I am about to admit. I think, guys, that FOX News may actually be right about something. I know, I know. But, before you start googling the address of the office to send bags of shit and Tom Odell CDs, hear me out.
FOX News presenter Greg Gutfelt – a man famous for having Objectively Bad opinions, such as "a gun does more for empowering women than feminism ever could" and "progressives, in a way, are like Doritos" – has taken a massive word dump on the legacy of Red Hot Chili Peppers. During a segment titled "Greg's Musical News" – which really should not exist and yet here we are – Gutfelt reported on Koko the gorilla joining RHCP bassist Flea for a jam sesh earlier this week. According to the refined ears of Greg Gutfelt, Koko having a go on the bass (which, with all due respect to Koko, who is smarter than most FOX News presenters, sounds fucking terrible) is a "vast improvement over the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the worst band on the planet." Then he did some ageist jokes before delivering a final blow in the form of "Red Hot Chili Peppers: poor man's Faith No More, don't ever forget it."
Listen, RHCP had a good run. An amazing run, actually. Everything released between the years 1984 and 2002 is a largely undisputed jam (except for this moment, wherein John Frusciante, the greatest former Chili Pepper, fist pumps in a bin). But then again, their current live show is a cringe-worthy mess of kick jumps and self-indulgence, Flea performed The Star Spangled Banner as a bass solo, TWICE, and it sounded like farts, this artwork happened, and, seriously, what the hell does "Can't stop the spirits when they need you / Mop tops are happy when they feed you / J. Butterfly is in the treetop / Birds that blow the meaning into bebop" mean anyway!? Maybe it's about time someone declared them the worst.