The Day I Learned All of Hollywood's Biggest Secrets

When I was in Hollywood a couple of weeks ago I was given a flyer for the TMZ Tour of Hollywood. It read: "The secrets of Hollywood… The places celebs go to party and play… The hotspots where you can mingle with the stars… Immerse yourself in the ultimate Hollywood experience—THE TMZ HOLLYWOOD TOUR."

As TMZ is both my absolute all-time favorite website AND absolute all-time favorite TV show, I had to go and see it for myself with my own two eyes. I took my camera so you could see what I saw.

This was our tour guide. I don't remember her name, but she told us that at one point she was actually on the TMZ on TV TV show. And you could tell, because she was almost 100 percent charisma. The riffing never stopped. Just when you thought there was about to be a moment of totally un-fun silence (lame), she'd be all, "Hey, how many of you guys watch Jersey Shore? Who do you think the father of Snooki's baby is?!"

The thing that sets the TMZ tour apart from the other regular, boring, bullshit Hollywood tours is that they have actual paparazzi footage playing on the in-coach screens. So, not only are you cruising down the street where Cuba Gooding, Jr. ACTUALLY once got drunk, but you also get to see the video footage to prove it. It's basically like being BFF drinking buddies with Cuba Gooding, Jr.

And the tour guides know all the secrets about the different places on the trip. For instance, this place, which may just look like a random building to you and I, is actually a random building where Sam Ronson DJs sometimes. Exciting!

And this El Pollo Loco? Brad Pitt totally used to work here. He probably once walked on that corner right there on his way into the building. Crazy shit.

Next stop, this guitar shop. What makes it so special, you ask? Well, only the fact that Jack fucking Black gets his guitars here.

I'm not sure which it is, but one of these houses belongs to Pauly Shore. Behind one of these walls, Pauly Shore has had some of the greatest and worst moments of his life. Behind one of these walls, Pauly Shore has pooped and masturbated and laughed and cried. Pauly Shore has started friendships behind these walls. And ended them, too. And I saw those walls. With my own two eyes.

This is the hotel entrance where Kim Kardashian had flour thrown over her by an animal rights activist or feminist or something. They can't have like, totally cleaned that shit up, right? And it never rains in LA. I bet there are still legit flour particles that touched Kim Kardashian lingering in the air here. I'm never exhaling again.

This is a restaurant called The Saddle Ranch. But it's not just like the shitty old restaurants plebes like you go to. This is a restaurant where both Fred Durst AND Vince Vaughn have eaten at one point in time. And they are both VERY cool guys.

I shit you not; this is the shop where Britney got THAT pink wig. No, I don't know what pink wig they were talking about either. But Britney Spears was, at one point in time, a mere 20 feet away from where I was sitting when I took this photograph. And she was doing something! You jelly?

This is a car dealership where Cee Lo Green once almost bought a car. We got to watch a five-minute video about it and everything. It was awesome. It totally seemed like he was going to buy the car, but then the TMZ guys went back the next day and the car was still there, so I guess he didn't actually end up buying it. They didn't specify, but there's a chance it was one of the cars you see in this picture. One of these vehicles, at one point, may have potentially occupied space in Cee Lo Green's actual mind. Fuck, that's crazy.

Somewhere around this time, our tour guide performed a rap she'd written about Paris Hilton.

This is the Beverly Hills sign. Which you might recognize from the opening credits of Beverly Hills 90210. Or from the opening credits of the remake of Beverly Hills 90210. The tour guide said that you're not allowed to upload photos of the sign to the internet because the residents copyrighted it and will sue you. I'm not sure if I believe that. Let's find out!

This is Valentino on Rodeo Drive. One time, Jennifer Love Hewitt tried to shop here but she was dressed too casually so they wouldn't let her inside. What a fucking loser. BTW, the girl you can see in the pic is shaking her head while silently mouthing, "Oh my God."

This was outside BOA. Which is a steakhouse where Ryan Seacrest goes when he wants to eat steaks. The guy in this picture is part of the TMZ on TV TV show, too. He just happened to be at BOA when we drove past, so he came over and said hey and gave us all high fives. Everyone on board lost their fucking minds. It was all very exciting.

Remember that time Christina Aguilera got arrested for "public drunkenness"? No, me neither, because I'm not a total fucking loser. I'm not sure where she actually got arrested, but some of the drinks that contributed towards her "public drunkenness" status were consumed right here. In this building. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

And with that, my tour came to an end. Thanks, TMZ! If you're in Hollywood, you should so, so, so do the tour. If you're thinking to yourself: "I could just print out this blog and rent a car and do it myself," you're not just lazy, morally abhorrent, and a worse person than me, you're also totes wrong. I didn't even cover like, a 20th of the shit we saw on here. Like, we saw an auction house where they sold some of OJ Simpson's possessions once, and a restaurant where Billy Crystal ate dinner one time, and another restaurant owned by a cast member from one of those Real Housewives of… shows, and the parking lot of a gym where Steven Tyler and Fabio work out, and the hospital where Britney was held overnight for a psychiatric evaluation, and the hotel where Verne Troyer shot his sex tape and *SHOOTS SELF IN HEAD*

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT

Read about Jamie's other recent adventures in California:

What the Fuck Is a Renaissance Faire?

Tyler Shields Makes Lame Art for Douchebags

Goth Day at Disneyland!

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