How Fast Could Athletes Run if They Were Allowed to Take as Many Drugs as They Liked?

Competing at Olympic level; it’s a hard slog, and I should know, I watched a very in-depth documentary about Usain Bolt who won the 100m on Sunday again. Usain, officially the fastest man to have ever lived, can run at a speed of 27mph, which is almost as fast as a cheetah. But he's not as fast as a cheetah, he's only as fast as a very fast man. Does he not long to go faster?

Imagine an Olympics where you could take all the steroids, uppers and vampire blood you wanted. Heads exploding on top of vein-popping bodies as barely-recognisable-as-human drug-mutants scorch past the finish line in a 25,000m sprint. Zombie swimmers with DIY gills and flippers racing the length of the Thames. Kangaroo hybrid babies smashing the high-jump record as they clear the stadium and land in the car park. All of the above in 3D: now that would be entertainment.

If Usain, or indeed, any athlete were allowed to know the benefits of the vast spectrum of drugs, legal or illegal, that man has at his disposal, just how fast could they go?

Martin, 28 (left) and John, 33, City of London police. VICE: Good day officers, could you help me?
John: Of course, darlin’. How fast could athletes run if they were allowed to take as many drugs as they want?
Martin: Depends which drugs they were taking. Crack?
John: Not very fast at all, darlin'. Believe me.
Martin: A nice bit of Red Bull, that’s all they need. It gives you wings. So does weed. You know, they say "Why drink and drive…"
When you can smoke and fly! Hahaha! I bet you see a lot of that.
John: Flying? No, drink driving.

How fast could athletes run if they were allowed to take as many drugs as they want?
Del, 50, bus driver: As fast as they can. I think they do that already, that’s kind of the whole point.
Well, faster than they can. That’s a bit of an oxymoron.
They are morons if they take drugs all the time. Like Linford Christie. That was a long time ago.
I could go faster than them all in my bus. Jordan, 22, sales assistant: How fast can they run now? Really fast, like 100m in under ten seconds.
That is fast. I’ve run when I’ve been drunk. I fell over. Do you think if the athletes got drunk it would make the Olympics more entertaining?
Definitely. I kind of hate them right now because I live in Stratford and the whole thing is annoying me so much. You could spike the water supply to the Olympic Village.
What with? Poison? I was thinking something less harmful and more fun.
Like LSD? Ah, but then they’d all be mega-slow and the whole thing would last until December and it needs to end. Soon. Jo, 24, artist: Do you want a time? I think double. Do you mean half?
Yeah, half! Not double. Half. So what do you think the most beneficial drug to take would be?
Definitely an upper. A joint, that wouldn’t be good at all, they’d get distracted. That kind of sport requires a lot of focus. You need to be in the zone. Like Ritalin, or a bit of speed. You’d want to push them so it would be epic. How fast could athletes run if they were allowed to take as many drugs as they want?
Vanessa, 21, waitress: I don’t agree with that at all. Actually, I don’t think I’ve understood the question. Well, do you agree with drug taking in general?
If you’re ill. What if the athletes were ill. Should they take drugs then?
They’re ill in the Paralympics. So do you reckon the Paralympians take a lot of drugs?
Some of them must, like, the really ill ones. Sarah, 19: I think they could run really, really, really fast. If they were on coke, or something like that. What kind of speed are you thinking? For the 100m, how fast could someone run that while high on cocaine?
What is the record now? About a minute? Well –
I'd say about 30 seconds… 20 seconds. Yeah, about 20 seconds. That’s really fast. What would you say if I told you Usain Bolt actually runs the 100m in under ten seconds?
You’re lying. Well he did, so did a bunch of guys over the past few decades. In your opinion, have they all taken drugs in order to achieve that speed?
Absolutely. Previously – Do You Miss the Riots?