Inspired by this summer's must-see comedy, This Is The End (at cinemas June 28), we've compiled a guide to all the kit essential to your survival come Judgement Day.
The thing about weed that anyone who ever learned to stuff a towel under their closet door when they were in high school knows is that it makes literally everything better. This doesn’t just apply to longboarding and Dark Side of the Moon. Literally everything. Things are exploding and people are dying everywhere. You need to search for weapons, water and food. So what? You’re not going to do that sober, are you? Pro tip: if you’re running out of water you can recycle by using bodily fluids in the bong. No one’s going to judge you, it’s the apocalypse.
So it’s the end of the world. Meteors are falling everywhere and wildfire is spreading like wildfire. That spells one thing: production value. Think about it – you could out-explosion J.J. Abrams himself with zero special effects and zero budget. It’s the perfect time to make that stoner movie sequel you and your bros were going to make before you got too high and snorted lines of Dorito powder off your Xbox instead.
The only thing worse than the world ending around you is that moment when you suck on a bong and – shloop! – it’s cleared. Shit. You search desperately for the rest of your lemon diesel but nope, only stems. What are you going to do now, smartass? Make weed-tea? Everyone knows THC isn’t soluble in water. When shit really gets real you don’t just want to be a little bit toasted, or even a little bit baked, you’re going to want to be braised, boiled, blanched, sautéed and fricasséed. This is the apocalypse, bitch; you can’t be having any negative white space in your eyes.
Before you ask “Who has time to masturbate in an apocalypse situation?” let us direct one question at you, Sir. How many times have you jerked it on a family holiday? Or at Grandma’s house? The urge waits for no man, so you’d better get your materials sorted out ASAP. Please remember, though, that that magazine is the closest you’re going to get to a woman for a long while, so make sure your friends treat it with dignity and respect. Nothing kills your schwing faster than patiently waiting your turn for some jugs alone-time only to find that Danny McBride had it last and now all the pages are crinkled and stuck-together.
A Milky Way
Sure, we could be practical and advise you to buy apocalypse-friendly food like rice and canned spam, but let’s remember two things. 1) You’re high, and unless spam comes Dorito-flavoured you’re going to have most unsatisfying munchies in history. 2) When times are tough, you and your friends are going to need something to strive for and look forward to (other than the porn mag), and that’s where the Milky Way comes in. That Milky Way will represent all your hopes and dreams. Or you’ll end up killing each other over it. Either way, Milky Ways are the shit.
The Last Judgement is upon you, and you’re going to have to answer for all your sins. Considering that pornography and marijuana make up half of this list so far, chances are you have more than a few. And yeah, of course no one cool born after 1400 AD actually knows what’s in the Bible, but it stands to reason that it has some kind of solution to escape judgement, right? Also, what if one of you is raped by the devil and you have to perform an emergency exorcism? What else are you going to angrily brandish at Satan? A copy of High Times?
Water is important in Armageddon situations, but it kinda sucks, and it doesn’t really get rid of cotton-mouth. Capri-Sun tastes like sugar, fruit and bikini-tans, and it comes in a silver pouch, which is pretty avant-garde in the world of drink containers and deserves some commendation for its boldness. Oh, and if you do manage to find someone who's survived the apocalypse and is willing to have sex with you, Capri-Sun is a great drink to have on hand for mid-boning sippy-time breaks – which, if you’re Michael Cera, is apparently a completely normal thing.
Whether they come before, after, or during hoes, you won’t survive long in an apocalypse without your bros. The fat one, the handsome one, the “smart” one and the ethnically different one – you’re going to need them all if you’re hoping to get through this alive. Especially when you run out of food and you have to eat the fat one. Just imagine how high you’ll get from ingesting his juicy rolls!
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